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Disclaimer: Joss, I broke your dolls.
Rating: NC-17.
Feedback: Is my crack. Hook a sista up? wily_one24@yahoo.com.au
Comments: I'm sure this fic looks a lot better with the proper formatting, but I hope it's not too confusing here. The parts between the double lines and in present tense are flashbacks and one dream.
- DIDN'T MEAN NOTHIN'
"You filthy son of a whore!"
Simon crawled backwards on his elbows, feet scrabbling at the infirmary tiles until he hit the far wall, where he used the leverage of his spine to help him up to a standing position. His fist smeared messily across his blood smeared face.
"You want another go 'round, doc, is that it?" He stepped forward. "'Cause I'll happily blacken the other eye for ya."
"Jayne." Mal's voice didn't change one bit, but it still sounded like he was growling. "Leave this room, now."
"But..." Jayne didn't turn around.
"I ain't askin'. Best not make that mistake." As Mal stepped between them, his hand rested easily above his hip. There wasn't anything big about the gesture, anybody could be forgiven for not even noticing it, but Jayne did, Jayne knew the holster and the gun that lay underneath it. "Just go to your bunk. I'll be wantin' to talk to you about this tomorrow."
"Weren't my fault, Mal." Not that it would do any good, not that anyone would believe him. "He started it."
"I didn't..."
"Don't antagonize him, doc. I'll deal with you, soon." Mal hissed to the figure against the wall before turning back to Jayne. "We got a job need doing tomorrow an' I'll rest a mite easier knowing we got a medic still able to medicalise after we get our asses shot at. Again. Go to your bunk."
"Captain." Jayne bit the words out, knowing they sounded anything but obedient. "Yes sir, Captain."
He made sure to nudge Mal with his shoulder as he turned to the door. Zoe was standing just inside, looking ready as ever to jump in if anyone made trouble. The look on her face was stony. Across the room, River's large brown eyes stared at him, boring deep. He didn't dare look to the other bench.
It wasn't like he cared, not really. It didn't mean nothin'.
Never did.
"Don't." He growled the words out before her feet hit the floor. "Just don't. Climb on back out."
She didn't. He knew she wouldn't.
"You hurt him real bad, Jayne." Her voice shook when she spoke and he cursed himself for making that happen. "Zoe's in there now, sewin' up his face."
"Yeah, well." He hadn't meant to cause anything that needed actual tending. Still. "Boy shouldn't start somethin' he can't finish. Should he?"
"He didn't start nothin'!"
He shrugged, still lying on his back. There wasn't any reason for him to get up, it'd only make it more complicated. The last thing they needed was more complicated. A sigh built up deep in his belly. It felt like a rock. She wouldn't leave without an answer of some kind.
"He made you cry, didn't he?"
"No!" Jayne did look up then, raising his eye brow at her until she blushed. "Well, yeah, okay, he did. But he didn't mean to."
"Never said he did." He did stand up, then, couldn't have the conversation without looking at her. "Don't change the fact of it, though."
She looked at her feet, head down and shoulders drooping.
"He means well, Jayne. He just... he doesn't know nothin' about talkin' to girls."
It made the stone deep in his gut heat up, a smoldering fire of bitterness.
"Any git with half a brain knows that to make girls smile ya don't insult them, Kaylee." He wasn't sure if she meant to shake her head like that, listening to him say the same old words over again. "Guess that means he don't have even that."
It was silent then, both of them stood there and waited.
"That it, then? Is it?" Better to get it over with. "Nice talkin' to ya. Get out of my bunk."
But she didn't move and he watched her fingers curl around the ladder behind her. It made his chest clench.
Clench hard.
"Kaylee." It came out like a long, low moan. "Don't do this."
"I'm sorry." It was whispered to the floor and he could hear the rawness of her throat.
"I can't do it again, Kaylee." He meant to say it like he meant it, but it came out like a plea, like he was beggin' her for his life. "Not like this, not..."
"Please?" That was his undoing, right there, that and her eyes when she did look up at him. "Please, Jayne?"
"Gorram it, girl."
His hands came up and landed, softly, on the curve of her neck. She made a sound in the back of her throat, a small sob, a little sigh. He closed his eyes and leaned forward, just enough so that his forehead touched hers.
"Just like always." He didn't know if he believed his own words anymore, but he knew she did, knew she wanted and needed to hear them. "It don't mean nothin'. Not a thing."
"No." He barely heard her answer.
And just like that, like a dam breaking, his fingers closed in tight, wrapped themselves in the hair at the back of her neck and angled her head up to meet his. It was tight and fierce and they were both hungry for it, both desperate for it. Her hands sprang up from behind her and grasped at his waist, pulling him closer.
Didn't take long at all for their clothes to end up on the floor and their bodies to end up on the bed, grasping and pawing, pulling and touching, squeezing, anything to get closer. It was fast and furious, both of them moaning and grunting, loud and needy.
As much as he tried to memorize every second of it, Jayne couldn't help hating himself just a little bit more for it, couldn't stop hating her. It wasn't how he wanted it, wasn't ever how he wanted it.
She hadn't meant to start it again, hadn't meant for it go that far. It was just... sometimes it was so lonely out in the black. Torn like she was. She wanted everything and nothing, all of it and none of it, all at the same time.
And Simon made it so hard, made it so damn difficult to keep smiling and nodding. He didn't even mean to say those horrid things, didn't even mean to turn around and reject her at every step. She tried so hard and got so very little in return. If only he could see how easy it would be between them.
Sometimes she just had to break down and cry.
That was when Jayne stepped in and that was what made it more complicated. Jayne, who'd made it very clear early on that he wasn't one to mess with, wasn't one to ever stay put anywhere, the big, tough man who didn't have no time for anything 'cept guns and maybe a whore or two. He always seemed to step in and take her side, always pulled Simon's bootstraps up when she didn't have the strength to do it herself.
Simon broke her into pieces and Jayne picked them up.
If she could merge them into one, things would be easier. So much easier.
Her eyes fluttered closed as she felt Jayne's hips press deep into the insides of her thighs, felt his forearms resting beside her head, the bulk of him above her. She felt him and thought of softer skin, of a crisper voice and thinner, darker hair.
"Yes." The word came out of her lips before she could stop it. "Oh, yeah, like..."
It made it worse, so much worse, that thinking about someone else made it better.
"Kaylee." And he always made it clear who he was thinking of, could never let her forget it. "Damn, Kaylee."
"Just... oh..." She was so close, so close. "Si..."
His finger landed on her lips, pressed down hard.
"Yeah, okay." Voice a low scratch in her ear. "If that's what you need, just... just shh."
The salt from his touch oozed into her mouth and she couldn't stop her tongue from poking out to lick at his skin. The moan that escaped his throat rippled all the way through her and she opened her lips, took his whole finger in and sucked hard. It stopped the tears behind her eyes.
"Ai ya, Kaylee."
He had to fist his hands into the pillow beside her face to stop him reaching up and tracing lines down her skin, stop himself running them all over her body. She didn't want that, she never wanted that. She only ever wanted it hard and fast and distant.
It was easier to let him inside her legs than it was inside her defenses.
She always left him aching and empty, always left him wanting more. If only he could be strong enough to push past it, to be soft with her anyway, to show her exactly how he felt. But he was too scared she really would leave his bunk and not come back.
His own desperation tasted foul like stale copper in his mouth.
A low, keening whine rumbled from deep in her throat and he bent his head to suck at it, just hard enough to make her moan louder, just low enough that no one could see it the next day. He could feel the tightening in the depth of his belly, felt it build slowly.
Too slowly, but she was close.
"C'mon." He growled it at her, knew she liked the sound of his voice like that as he pushed harder. "C'mon girl, let it out."
"Yes. Oh god." Her back arched under him and he watched her eyes open to look into his. "Jayne."
And just like that, the sound of his name, his and no one else's, was enough to push him over the edge as well.
"You okay?" He was sure that that one small question was allowed as they both lay back and breathed hard. "You doin' okay?"
He counted to fifteen before she answered.
"Yeah." She said it between pants. "Just... just gimme a minute. Then I'll go."
"You don't gotta..." But he stopped as he scooted to his side, further away from her, because asking or pleading was definitely against the rules. "That's okay, take all the time ya want."
And he waited, waited and watched until her eyes flickered closed, flew open and then closed again, slower and thicker with each time until they stayed closed. His eyes tracked the rise and fall of her chest until her breath came slow and even.
Only then did he lean over and place a small kiss on her forehead, did he run a hand down the side of her face, over the rise of her cheek and down the curve of her neck. He hooked a finger underneath a damp curl of hair stuck to her face and tucked it gently behind her ear.
"You rest, babygirl." He whispered it, almost audible, next to her ear. "I'll watch out for ya."
He always waited 'til she fell asleep, always hoped she would fall asleep instead of getting up and running away, because it wasn't supposed to happen. What they did, when they did it. They always said it wouldn't happen again. Always said it didn't mean nothin'.
Never did.
Kaylee kept her eyes closed, kept her breath steady.
She had to, she had to pretend to sleep so that he'd take all the pieces he'd just picked up and slowly put them back together again. A gentle caress here, a soft little touch there, the feel of his lips on her own that she wasn't ever supposed to know about.
He'd stop doing it if he knew she was awake. That was how they were. That was how it was supposed to be, but she had tried and hadn't been able to stop herself needing to be needed like that. She couldn't make it hard on them all by acknowledging it, by admitting it. It was just easier like this. Easier to let him think she was asleep.
So that he really would fall asleep with his hands on her and she could snuggle deeper, pull him closer, and sleep in his arms.
And be gone by morning, before he woke up.
Because what happened, they'd both made it clear from the start, it didn't mean nothin'.
It never did.
2. NOTHIN' AT ALL
Her fingers stretched out, lightly hovering over his cheek. She'd done this before and it didn't get easier. Simon flinched as her skin made contact with the dark purple bruise that surrounded the line of stitches to the side of his eye. His face was too soft to take a punch like that.
"Ya gotta keep the ice on it for it to work."
His eyes were deep blue when looked at her, head resting on the back of the couch. His hand came up from his lap, clutching at the ice pack. She could see him try not to react when he pressed it back to the wound.
"I think it would work perfectly well if I kept Jayne's fist off it."
Kaylee had to look down at her knees, curled up next to his legs.
"That too."
"Mei mei." They both looked up to see Mal in the door. "Don't you have to see to that thing in the engine?"
"That thing?" As he kept watching her, Kaylee clicked. "Oh, that thing. Yeah, sure, cap'n. I'll just go do that now."
She curled a finger into the hair around Simon's ear, just a second of a goodbye. In her head, she could almost imagine that he'd turned slightly to move with her, to keep contact with her for just a second longer. Her teeth bit into her bottom lip as she skipped out of the room.
The stairs leading up to the second floor weren't all that wide, just enough room for a person to thunder through comfortably, or two people to squish their way around each other if they happened to pass. Which is exactly why Kaylee found herself pressed back against the wall as Jayne barreled his way down the steps.
She held her breath and waited, she wasn't sure why.
"You sure you got enough clips for that thing?" He called behind him. "I know we don't got a lot of ammo for that."
He hadn't even looked at her. Her hand came up of its own accord and pressed into the top of her breastbone. Underneath her shirt sat a deep, purple bruise and the harder she dug in, the deeper it ached. She wondered how a man who could latch his mouth so close to her heart and pull the very air out of her lungs, make her blood rush so quickly to the edge of her skin that she couldn't help but lift her hips to him as if they were on a string, wondered how he could do that and twelve hours later not even blink as he passed her.
"I'll be fine."
Zoe gave her an apologetic smile for their rush past and her voice echoed down and out of the stairwell as they head out to the job. Kaylee, staying pressed back against the rail, was left to look at the empty walls which suddenly seemed too far apart.
It just ain't fair, sometimes it just ain't fair.Kaylee's hand comes out and punches the wall, feeling solid and painful against the edge of her fist. She bites her lip and it's enough to stop the tears that push at her eyes before the deep voice comes from the steps above her.
"You okay?"
Ai ya, but she doesn't need anyone to see her like this.
"Sure Jayne." But he doesn't believe her, she can see it as she looks up to see him staring down at her. His eyes feel like they're flaying her raw. "S'nothin'."
"Bullshit it ain't nothin'." He closes the last few steps between them. "What'd that fuckwit say to ya now?"
"Jayne." She sighs it, can't help herself, and takes the cup he offers out to her. "Don't, okay? Just don't."
The whisky stings as it goes down, makes her wince, but she relishes the burn of it. Makes her wonder, just for a second, if Simon ever drinks it, if he ever lets go enough to let it take over his facial expression. Probably not.
"He ain't worth it."
"What?" She blinks up at him, not sure she heard right.
"I said he ain't worth it." Maybe the whisky is stronger than she thinks, because she doesn't ever remember him looking so upset about anything that isn't his own guns or his own self. "Don't know what he done now, probably don't want to, but there ain't no man alive worth all this fei oo."
She watches him drain the rest of the liquor and slam the cup down on the banister.
"He is, you don't know." But even she can tell that the way her voice wavers says more than her quick defense of him and it makes her angry that Jayne brings the uncertainty out of her. "What the hell do you know about it? Huh?"
His smile ain't a happy one, it's all sad and resigned.
"I know any man worth your salt would've either cut you loose by now, or told you he felt somethin'." He steps towards her and she doesn't think fast enough to step back. "I know he ain't done neither, which tells me he's a gou tsao de pussy, scared shitless to make a move. Any move."
"Stop it." There's a tear leaking out of her eye, because his words cut home too finely and she knows he sees it. "He's just takin' his time, he's got other things to..."
"You stop it." He challenges her, stepping even closer. "Stop makin' excuses just 'cause the fancy, shiny doc don't have enough sense or balls to ever treat you like he should."
"Right." She has to bring her hand up and push against his chest. "Like you know anything 'bout how a girl needs or wants to be treated."
"Fuck it." Jayne growls and bends his knees so that he can press in and kiss her hard, she's too surprised to stop it. That's what she tells herself. "I know he shoulda done that a long time ago."
"Jayne." She whispers it and it's supposed to sound like a warning.
The way his hand comes up and gently lifts her chin, holds it up so that she can't look away, tells her that her warning didn't work. Not one bit. She's gonna start pushing him away, gonna start telling him no, any second now.
"I know you want him to look deep in your eyes and say 'Kaylee, you got the prettiest smile I ever seen and I don't want you to smile for no one else but me'." She can feel her mouth open at his words, feel the way her body shudders. "I know you want him to do just this."
Then his lips are on hers again and she can't help but grab back at him, sliding her hands up his neck and holding him closer. Because, yes, dammit, that's exactly what she wants Simon to do. That's exactly how she wants him to be, hard and fast and pressing her up against the wall.
Later, when she sits on his bunk and cries, rocking back and forth with the sobs, Jayne's hand slides up and down her back, softer than she ever thought he could be.
"Don't cry, Kaylee, c'mon, don't cry none."
"It's over." She can't help but say it. "I just ruined it. Simon's gonna hate me."
His hand pauses, for an instant, then starts again.
"No, you didn't ruin nothin'." Then he's sitting up and she can feel his body next to hers, warm and comfortable and not the one she wants. "This here? Nobody has to know, if'n you don't want them to."
"But...?" God, the way her voice rises like that, it makes her sound pathetic.
"Kaylee." She hadn't realized how softly he always says her name until he says it now, hard and cold and lacking anything resembling feeling. "You know me, I don't want nothin' from this. Nothin' at all. Just a roll in the sack, a tussle 'tween friends. If you don't want no one to know, they won't. This don't mean nothin' you don't want it to."
His hand disappears and she feels both cold and relieved.
"Nothin'? Doesn't mean nothin'?"
It's a long time before he answers.
"Nothin' at all."
"Well." Mal faced the doc, stretched out on the common room sofas, nursing his swollen face and sat down next to him. "That's gonna grow some mighty fine colors."
"Yes." Simon answered without looking up. "I just can't wait."
Mal chuckled a little.
"I'd prefer you didn't get hit. Least ways, not by Jayne. You wanna split that pretty face, you could start comin' on more jobs with us, make it useful."
"I didn't mean to..." Simon paused. "It's not like I wanted this to happen."
"But it did happen." Mal pushed. "Seems it's happening a lot, lately, you and Jayne."
"Why aren't you having this talk with him?" Simon lowered the pack. "He's the one that does all the damage."
"Oh, don't you worry, I've got a whole discussion planned for him. But this one's for you." He eyed the way Simon tensed, the way he lightly fingered the skin of his face, shining from the bruise and the ice. "You ain't seen any kind of particular pattern about the times Jayne picks fights with you?"
"Yes." Simon sighed. "It seems to happen on the days that he breathes."
"That too." Mal nodded, then chose a different tactic. "What were you an' Kaylee talkin' about before it all happened, lookin' so serious as you did?"
""Nothing." Simon blushed, not meeting Mal's eyes. "We just... uh... we had a bit of a disagreement."
"A disagreement?" Mal prompts. "Huh."
"Yes, I said some things, stupid things as usual and she got upset, then Jayne..." Mal can see the exact moment the realization set in. "Dear god, you're telling me that's what Jayne was ranting about?"
"Seems likely."
A frown edged its way onto the doctor's face.
"You don't think Jayne...? Not Kaylee...?"
"Jayne's a simple man, doc." Mal patted his knee. "He thinks in simple terms. He's hungry, he eats. He's got an urge, he visits a whore. You hurt someone he cares about, he punches you 'til you bleed. If there's anyone on this ship at all that he sees as family, it'd be Kaylee."
"It's not like I mean to hurt her!"
"Never said you did.." Mal stood up. "Kaylee likes you, likes you somethin' fierce, that ain't anything we don't all know already. I think it's time you made up your mind about a few things and let her know."
"Captain, with all due respect." The ice pack was all but forgotten as Simon sat up straight. "I hardly think this is something you can start suggesting..."
"It ain't a suggestion, Simon. I got a ship to run. Can't have my merc always beatin' up on my medic. Doesn't work that way." He paused by the door. "We got a job needs doin' now, guess that gives you time to think."
3. NO HARM NO FOUL.
She's making coffee when he walks into the kitchen that morning. His eyes slide over her neck, over her waist, everywhere his hands and lips were last night. The skin behind her ear is pink, glistening in the steam from the kettle.It makes his stomach tighten, like a fist.
"Mornin'."
He's always been grabby, can't help himself, he loves to touch and feel. And this is Kaylee, nothin' more needs to be said about that. He could stand there and touch her 'til the cows came home. Hell, he'd stand there and touch her as the cows organized a mutiny, broke down the fence, took his guns and ran away.
"Don't."
She hisses it, one word, and steps away from him.
"But..." There's not one other person in the room, no one but them. "I was just..."
"It didn't mean nothin'." Her eyes wouldn't meet his. "You said it, Jayne, you said."
"Kaylee." He takes another step towards her.
She steps back again.
"Can't be touchin' and stuff." She insists under her breath. "Just stop it."
It's the quietest conversation he's ever had, all whispers and hushed voices. She might not be looking at him, but he can see something in her eyes anyway, a sheen of desperation, a plea. Fear. It's a fraction of a second between seeing it and smelling it and he has to step back, has to grab a mug real tight and sit at the table.
Has to bite down real hard when everyone else comes in and she's all bright smiles for the doc, reachin' out to run a finger over his wrist.
"Guess this is it." Jayne stopped in the clearing and squinted up into the sun. "Better place than any, yet. I'll go scout."
"Zoe'll go scout." Mal broke in.
"But she don't know the first thing 'bout trackin', Mal. I'm the merc, whatcha hire me for if ya just gonna get us all shot by sendin' someone else?" He gave a short nod to Zoe. "No 'fense, but I do the trackin'. You're the first mate, you should be... matin'."
"Yes." Zoe gave an amused smile. "That's definitely my cue to leave."
Jayne knew what was coming, there wasn't any way out of it. Truth was, he hadn't really expected to make it this far. There was a beat, silence as they watched Zoe head off to the side and into the surrounding brush.
"I don't expect anything to go bad on this run. She'll be fine, couldn't hurt to expand her horizons." Mal looked off to the east, specifically not looking at Jayne. "'Sides, don't expect you'd be too good at the sharp shootin' right now, what with those split knuckles and all."
"Gorram it, Mal, I told ya he started it."
"That you did, but he's the only one I see busted an' bleeding."
"Ain't my fault he can't fight worth a damn."
"You ever think that this ain't your fight? That maybe you gotta let them take care of themselves?"
"Don't know what you're talkin' about, Mal."
"Sure you don't. And our next pay check is a big fat Alliance reward. I tell you I received a big, fluffy valentine off Niska? He's a sweet, sweet man, that."
"Quit it, Mal."
"No. You quit it. I find myself moppin' up my medic one more time and there's gonna be hell to pay. Kaylee's her own woman, 'less she actually comes to you and says she needs defending, you step the hell back. You hear me?"
"What if she does say that?"
"Then I'll gladly step in and beat him myself. But she ain't said that, so you gotta let them be."
"Fine." He could see Mal's surprise, see the way he'd built up, ready for a fight. "I'll leave Simon alone, but you gotta do me one favor."
"What?"
"What are you tryin' to say?" She laughed, it felt good to laugh. "You wanted 'em to get hurt? Simon, it's good that they don't need you now."
"No, no." He laughed with her and that felt good, too. "It's just, I'm not used to having the afternoon free after a heist. Nobody got shot, we got paid, I'm confused."
They were sitting on the couches again and she'd draped her bare legs over his lap. It was rare that he felt comfortable enough to get that close. Something usually stopped him, made him push her away. He called it being proper. It was different, though, had been different since he'd come to her after lunch.
Like he was finally moving forward.
"So?" Her eyes sparkled as she teased him. "What are you gonna do with all this spare time, Dr. Tam?"
He lowered his eyes and grinned at her, feral, it made her shiver.
"I have a few ideas."
There, behind his eyes, he was so full of light and mischief, she loved his face when it opened up like that, when it showed him as he should be. Loved that it was her that did it to him. Her knees tingled where his hands rested on them.
"Kaylee." His voice had gotten deep and serious.
"Yeah?" She urged eagerly, she was beginning to recognize that tone and it left her breathless with expectation.
"Kaylee?"
Her heart sank and she bit back the curse as she leaned backwards, far enough to see the door to the cargo bay upside down. Her right arm ran along the back of the couch and her hand held onto Simon's shoulder to steady her.
"Yes." She bit out. "Captain?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Now?" She whined.
"Yes, now."
Reluctantly, she stood up, trailing her hand down Simon's arm as she did. It made her heart skip a beat when she felt his fingers twitch against her own. A hopeful, foolish person might have mistaken it for a caress of sorts.
Kaylee felt like she couldn't stop smiling.
"What?" But she still managed to glare at Mal as soon as they were out of sight and earshot. "What's so important?"
"Need your advice on something." He answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "But you can't say anything, Jayne wants to keep it quiet."
"Huh?" That caught her attention.
"He wants to know if there's any way to lock his bunk from the inside that can't be overridden by the main controls." He frowned at his own words. "I think he's twitchy 'bout River getting to his guns again."
But Kaylee had stopped listening, or rather, she couldn't hear over the thunder of her heart, beating viciously and violently in her throat.
"Jayne wants a lock?" Her words came out dull and flat.
"I know." Mal answered, as easily as if he hadn't just sucker punched her. "I told him there weren't no one on board who could override those controls 'cept you and me, but he wouldn't listen."
"No." She couldn't breathe. "It's okay, I'll do it, if he wants... I just... I'll do it."
"Thanks, remember, he don't want a big fuss made." Then he looked at her, looked deep. "You okay?"
"Yes." She swallowed. Hard. "Just shiny."
"What the...?" Jayne stops at the bottom of his ladder. "Girl, how'd you get in here?""Through the door." She sniffles a little.
"Yeah? Then that's how you can leave."
"Jayne?" Kaylee looks up at him and he can see that she's been crying. "I..."
"I don't wanna hear it." He doesn't look at her, knows that he can't look at her and say no. "You made it right clear last time you don't want me to hear 'bout it."
He pretends to pick up laundry instead, but he's just moving clothes from one end of the bunk to the other.
"That was weeks ago." She says, as if he doesn't know. "We ain't been on planet in over a week."
Like he doesn't know that, either.
"You better not be sayin' what I think you're sayin'."
"Why not? If it don't mean nothin', then no harm no foul, right?" It's then that he knows she's serious. "Jayne, I keep tryin' to forget, but I just can't do it."
It's not supposed to give him a little thrill. Maybe, just maybe, she's having as much trouble as he is getting the whole thing out of his head. There's a step and he's fairly sure that she's the one that's taken it. Somebody took it and now they're just that little bit closer.
"You already told me how it's to be, Kaylee, and I don't recall you an' me alone together as part of it."
"All's I hear is you tellin' me how it should be, how he ain't, how he'll never be."
Jayne gives up all pretense of ignoring her, her eyes are little pin points when he faces her. Little laser beams of questions and pleas and need. He bites his cheek to keep from reaching out to touch her.
"S'at what you want? 'Cause I ain't doin' that again, I ain't playin' that game, Kaylee." God, it's so hard to stay strong. "I ain't gonna keep showin' you what you want the doc to be, how you want him."
"No." Her voice is tiny, but it's firm. "I don't want that either. I want you to make me forget."
"What?" Something in her eyes makes him shiver. "What do you mean, forget?"
"Make it hard." It's a whisper, but it makes him groan. "Make it real hard, just do something."
"Kaylee?" Simon held his breath. "I think, that is, I've been meaning to ask..."
Her face glowed, it physically glowed. Against all laws of physics, he was sure that her cheeks alone would throw out enough heat to keep the ship warm if the power went out again. It made him hold his breath. Surely she knew how he felt, how much he wanted to keep making her smile like that.
"Yes?" She nodded at him, her eagerness made him laugh. "C'mon, Simon, don't stop there!"
She was something different, different to anything he'd ever known in his life and it made him ache just a little bit that that fact was true. He had never known anyone to not only experience the best out of life, but to spend so much energy looking for it.
"We've been spending a lot of time together, gotten to know each other..."
"Simon." Her eyes rolled and she leaned forward. "You do it like this."
Her fingers hooked under his chin and before he knew it, she was kissing him. He stopped thinking.
"Hey, hey!" Wash barreled past them. "Not in the hallways. Mal catches you an' that'll be the end of it. You don't want to ruin the whole thing for those of us legally married, do you?"
Simon could feel himself blush. It frustrated him no end that he couldn't control it, that his face infused with color and the more he tried to push it down, the worse it became. Kaylee giggled, folding her arms in and leaning against his chest, and he could see she was thoroughly delighted with the whole thing.
Nothing embarrassed her and that was part of why he felt so strongly about her.
"C'mon, Dr. Tam." She nudged him. "We're gonna be late for dinner."
"Yes." His hand felt right, resting on the small of her back as he led them both to the mess. "Wouldn't want that, would we?"
Dinner was strange and tense, Simon could feel it, but he couldn't figure out why. Kaylee was subdued and less cheerful than he had seen her in a long time, she sat next to him and concentrated on her food. He wondered if Mal had said something to her as well.
He did the only thing he could think of to make her feel better. Ran a hand over her shoulders, along the back of her neck.
"You two seem awful snuggly." Wash commented with a grin. "Something happen we don't know about?"
"Wisdom in humility." River spoke from underneath her curtain of hair. He could feel her eyes watching him. "Less said the better."
"I think it's wonderful, mei mei."
Inara smiled across the table at them and Simon could feel the surge inside Kaylee, knew she was smiling even without looking at her.
"About time, doctor." Even Zoe smiled, albeit pointedly.
"Must be somethin' in the water." Kaylee finally spoke and he felt her hand on his, soft and rubbing circles on his skin. "I mean, what else could it have been? I didn't think anything was gonna make him step forward."
"The water." He knew it, he knew he was doing it before the words came out of his mouth, he didn't need the sudden warning glare from Mal or the stricken look from River. He just couldn't stop himself. "Or the Captain telling me to."
Silence.
Simon briefly considered ramming his head into the table top.
"What?" Kaylee turned to look at him, taking her hands away, severing all contact. "I'm sorry?"
"Um..." There was just no backtracking from that. "No, Kaylee, that's not..."
"Not what?" Her eyes were angry, but worse than that, they were brimming with tears. "Tell me that Mal didn't give you some stupid gorram order to be nice to me."
"That ain't it, Kaylee." Mal said from his end of the table.
"I ain't talkin' to you, Captain." Kaylee didn't take her eyes off him. "Tell me that ain't so, Simon."
He couldn't meet her eyes.
"That's not why I..."
"Oh my god." She gulped. "It's true?"
"Kaylee, please...?"
He reached out to her, but she pushed her chair back and stood up.
"No. Don't, okay?" Even mottled and scrunched up the way it was, her face was beautiful. "I don't want to talk to you right now."
Simon scrambled out of his chair, but he was too late, she'd already run out of the room. He could hear the faint echo of footsteps leading all the way to her bunk. Nobody said anything as looked helplessly back at them.
There was a sudden screech of wood on tile and Simon felt a stab of shame that he flinched away from Jayne as he stood up.
"Jayne." Mal warned, deep and low.
"I ain't..." Jayne paused, looking straight at the Mal, he didn't look at Simon. "I'm goin' to my bunk, less'n you want me to break that promise on the first day."
Simon couldn't breathe until after the man had pushed his way past.
He couldn't think straight. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the whole scene play out in his head. Kaylee and that useless doc, flirtin' and gigglin' and touchin' each other, settin' his teeth on edge, 'cause there weren't much in his gorram miserable life Jayne wouldn't give up to be able to do that. And there's no way in the 'Verse she don't know it, no way she can't see how much he wants that. Least, that what he told himself anyway.
He'd worked long and hard not to be weak like that in front of her, if'n she didn't see the truth of it, he had no one to blame but himself.
Simon just didn't know what the bleedin' hell he had. Sittin' there all happy as he pleased, touchin' and bein' touched by her, havin' everyone else smile at them, like it was some gorram miracle. Like none of 'em knew how much he hurt her, like they'd never seen how badly she hurt after him. Then he just had to go an' ruin it, had to do what he usually did and be careless about it.
Ai ya, but Jayne would gladly step back and let Kaylee have what she wanted if'n Simon just stopped bein' such a fuckin' idiot about it.
Instead, Jayne was left to sit in his bunk, furiously cleaning his guns to stop himself goin' out to tear Simon a new one. A couple of new ones.
"I ain't doin' it." He didn't even wait until her feet hit the floor of his bunk. "I mean it this time, Kaylee."
"Jayne." She'd been crying and he didn't look up.
"Don't. Whatever you're gonna say, just don't." There wasn't anything up there, in her face, that he hadn't seen before. "Get the hell outta here and stay out."
There was a long pause.
"Captain asked me to make you a lock. It'll be done by morning."
His hand stilled on his gun.
"Gorram it. I told him not to say nothin'."
"Who else was he gonna ask, Jayne?" She hadn't made any move to leave. "He thinks you want to keep River out. 'Course he was gonna ask me."
"I didn't mean..." But there wasn't much to say after that.
"Yes, you did." Her voice was strangely flat and he wondered how long she'd been crying, if she'd stopped even once in the hours since dinner. "You wanted to lock me out. You wanted to hurt me, well, congratulations, you did."
"Hurt you?" He couldn't control it, then, couldn't stop the anger from surging up as he threw his guns to the floor and stood up, turning on her. "I ain't never wanted to hurt you! Not once! It's you, you're the one that..."
He stopped, unable to complete that thought.
"That what?"
Just for a second, one brief little second, Jayne closed his eyes and let himself believe she seriously wanted an answer to her question, that she was ready for him to break down and tell her. That she might smile at him in response and let him reach out and touch her. That she'd actually look at him and see something she wanted half as much as the doc.
Then his brain finally caught up with reality and he let his voice freeze over cold as he turned away to pick up the weapons lying on his floor.
"Nothin'. Believe me when I tell you, Kaylee, this ain't happening again. Now turn around and get out, 'fore you regret it."
He heard the cries start over fresh and couldn't bring himself to watch her leave. His bunk was too loud and silent in the wake of it, he couldn't breathe. He'd done right, he knew it, weren't no way in the 'Verse they could continue the way they were.
Didn't stop him from hurting none.
"I told you stay outta my bunk, girl." He made sure his voice didn't shake as the hatch opened again. "Now get out afore I change my mind about not hurtin' you."
"Talk like that to me on my ship again, Jayne, and it won't be your bunk much longer."
Oh, merciful Buddha, like he really needed that.
"What do you want, Mal?"
"You wanna tell me what made Kaylee come runnin' outta here, cryin' her eyes out?"
"Not really."
"I think you better, 'cause it might look to some people like you were takin' advantage of her when she was feelin' bad over the doc."
A sound came out of his throat then, a garbled little choke of bitterness.
"Some people'd be wrong, then, wouldn't they?"
"Would they?" Mal didn't back down. "Why else were you threatenin' to hurt her when I came in?"
"Didn't take no advantage of her, Mal." Jayne squared his shoulders, brought himself up to his full height. There was nothing left to do but take it like a man. "She was cryin' like that 'cause I told her I wasn't gonna take advantage of her. S'that what you wanted to hear? 'Cause I wouldn't make her feel better when the doc made her feel bad."
"Wuo de ma." He could see the instant realization hit on Mal's face. "That's why you wanted the gorram lock, isn't it?"
4. COMFORT.
There was a knock on her door, hesitant and nervous.
"Kaylee." Inara smiled and it was genuine. "Please, come in."
She watched with interest as the normally bubbly mechanic walked into her shuttle with small steps. Usually Kaylee would bound in, her energy eager and endless, her eyes wide and taking in as much detail as humanly possible, cataloguing anything new, seeing if anything had changed, mentally trying to come up with impossibly detailed, romantic stories about whatever client may have given them to her and why.
This time she stepped slowly, barely moving forward enough for Inara to close the door behind them.
"Yeah?" Kaylee turned quickly, eyes bright and rapid, as if she was expecting a trap. "Inara? Cap'n said you wanted to talk to me?"
"That I...?" She bit off her reply, mentally trying to soothe her hackles down. Already she could tell this was going to take effort. "Kaylee, Mal hinted that there might be something you needed advice with, he asked me if I had the time, but he never told me what it might be about. You don't have any idea?"
There was a brilliant, almost fluorescent color that sped up Kaylee's neck and over her cheeks. Her right hand fiddled with a lock of hair behind her ear and she wouldn't meet Inara's eyes.
"No."
It sounded more like a question, the way Kaylee's voice rose at the end.
"Well, then." Inara just smiled. "It looks like the two of us have some spare time, would you like me to fix your hair?"
"Oh, no." Kaylee rushed in to answer. "I don't wanna be a burden, 'Nara, if you've got somethin' else to do..."
"Nonsense." She tusked gently. "It's been a while since the two of us have spent any time together. I've missed it and I couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing right now."
Except, perhaps, ringing Malcolm Reynolds' scrawny, weaselish little neck for pushing the girl into her shuttle and not having the courage to talk to her himself.
"You know, 'Nara." Twenty minutes in and Kaylee was already more relaxed and open, settling into the easy routine of being pampered, giving in to the calming effects of the sandalwood and rose oils. "There has been somethin' I've been a bit confused about, lately."
"Yes?" She regulated her voice so it sounded just this side of interested, but not too eager.
"Well, see, just say someone had a crush on someone else..."
"Are we talking about someone in particular?" She teased.
"No." Kaylee was quick to answer. "Just... people is all. Anyways, so this person has a crush, real bad, see, and they really like this other person, but that person is just so rich and fancy. And sometimes it seems like things are moving and then nothin'."
"Kaylee." Inara threaded her fingers through the strands of hair before her. "Does this have anything to do with what happened between you and Simon last week?"
"What?" She could feel Kaylee tense through her scalp. "Oh no, no, I ain't talkin' about me. No, it's a man. This man, he's got a powerful crush on a woman who's just so much fancier than he is, he pines somethin' awful, but sometimes he doesn't think he's ever gonna be good enough for her."
She had to remind her fingers to relax. These someones seemed to be a trifle familiar.
"Well, I'm sure this woman, whoever she may be, isn't thinking that at all. Maybe she's waiting for him to make the first move."
"Oh, but he has, 'Nara! He keeps doin' the stupidest things, just to get her to notice him." At the very least, Inara thought, Kaylee certainly was descriptive. "Just when it seems like things're moving along, she goes an' hides behind rules and protocols and bein' proper."
Closing her eyes for just a second, Inara breathed in deeply and gathered herself. It wasn't like there was much to lose.
"It's entirely possible that she's just afraid, mei mei. Sometimes people are so afraid of losing something that they don't, or can't, reach out and take it in the first place."
"Yeah, I thought so." Came the reply, casual and dismissive. "But that ain't even the confusing part."
"It isn't?" Her surprise was completely genuine.
"No, see, there's someone else."
"Someone..." Inara wasn't sure she heard right above the growling pit of inexplicable jealousy. "... else?"
"Another woman." Kaylee whispered and Inara was grinding her teeth to the point that she nearly missed the miserable note of her voice. Suddenly, she forced herself to pay closer attention. "He didn't mean it, didn't even know what was gonna happen, really, one minute he was all hurt and upset over that first woman and then the second one was there and... and..."
"Things developed from there?" She stopped playing with Kaylee's hair altogether.
"Yes." It was desperate, that little sound coming from Kaylee, as if she'd been holding it in for a long time. "It wasn't supposed to mean anything, they both said it, it was just..."
"Comfort?"
"Yeah." Kaylee sniffled. "At first."
"At first?" Inara had to sit down, she brought another chair across to sit in front of Kaylee. "What do you mean at first?"
A companion learns early to control any and all emotion. Sitting across from Kaylee, watching her so obviously distraught and miserable and even, if she was forced to name it, broken made Inara clench her fingers into her palms tightly. This would have to be handled gently, expertly, if she wasn't going to scare her away. There would be time to deal with the other parties later.
"It was just like they said, comfort and nothing else and then things started to get weird and she tried to stop it, tried to tell him it wasn't going to happen anymore, but he... he doesn't want it to stop."
"Mei mei." Inara kept her voice steady. "If this woman doesn't want anything to happen, then it doesn't have to. Surely you know that?"
There was something wrong and Inara wasn't sure what it was. It was obviously not what she'd thought when Kaylee had first started talking. She'd immediately assumed the girl had been talking about Mal, but that couldn't be it. Mal was many despicable things, but he wouldn't ever cause this amount of pain in Kaylee.
"Oh, I know, I know." Kaylee nodded up and down. "But I don't know if she really wants it to stop. And I know he doesn't, but he also still really likes the first woman and he's all guilty about that, it's just... why? Why would anyone stop something they don't want to stop?"
She thought it over, thought about it seriously, trying not to let Kaylee's tears cloud her judgment. Had one of her clients come to her with the same story, she would have had advice for them, surely. Something other than 'tell me their name and point me at them'.
"The only reason I can see to end such a... mutually beneficial... arrangement like that is if it was no longer beneficial to one or both of the parties."
Delicate, distant words.
"Like, like she just didn't like him no more?" Kaylee peered at her, looking crestfallen. "Like she was just sick of him?"
"From what you've told me, it sounds like both of them entered into this with no particular regard for each other, that wouldn't have changed." She breathed in. "It's entirely possible she's developed an affection for him and it's just too difficult to keep up the appearance that she hasn't."
"Oh." A pause. "I hadn't thought of that."
A picture was starting to develop in her mind.
"Do you think it's possible at all that this man feels the same? That he likes this second woman more than he wants to admit?"
"Maybe." But then Kaylee shook her head. "I know he likes that first woman, though, likes her real hard. If she just admitted that they had something, then they could be so happy. But she never does."
"One doesn't necessarily preclude the other, Kaylee." She saw something flicker behind the girl's eyes. "It's possible that these two are using the first woman as a catalyst, a reason to continue what they're doing while minimizing any guilt about it."
"Ain't that mean?" Kaylee sniffed again. "I don't think they want to be mean."
"No, I'm sure they don't, they probably don't even realize they're doing it." She laid a hand over Kaylee's and looked her in the eyes. "I think this man, whoever he may be, needs to sit down and think about what he's doing, why he's doing it and what he really wants out of it."
Kaylee just nodded, Inara stood up and busied herself tidying up a perfectly tidy shuttle to give her time to reorganize. When she was certain that Kaylee was ready, Inara lead her to the door, one hand over her shoulders.
"If you need to talk about this again, I'm always here, okay?"
"Thanks, 'Nara." It was still miserable, Kaylee's whisper, but her eyes were thoughtful and already sifting through things. "You been real helpful."
"Anytime, mei mei." She waited until Kaylee had disappeared over the gangway and up through to the staff quarters before she turned back to the cargo bay. Her smile disappeared from her face and she set her chin. "Malcolm Reynolds, I need to see you in my shuttle. Now."
"How'd it go?" He barreled in, not meeting her eyes. His shifty movements told her he knew exactly what he'd done. "Did you talk?"
"Yes, we talked." Her voice was icy and she was impressed she managed to keep it at that. "It would have been nice to have had some warning as to what I was going to be talking about."
"It's complicated." He wheedled. "If Jayne knew I'd told you..."
"Jayne? She's sleeping with Jayne?" She nearly choked on her shock, before calming down. "I knew it! Kaylee is the man!"
"Huh, um..." Mal got a funny look on his face. "Inara, I honestly didn't ask him about that part of it..."
"What?" Then it hit her. "Oh, god, Mal. I didn't mean that. It was just, Kaylee was playing with pronouns."
"Yes, yes, of course." He was blushing, the illustrious, unflappable Captain was blushing. "I was just teasing."
They pretended to glare for several moments and Inara found herself remembering the first half of her conversation with Kaylee and her own reactions to it. She found herself blushing and tried to find something to occupy herself. It didn't work.
"So?" Mal asked eventually. "What happened? How is she?"
Inara sighed.
"Confused." She answered simply. "Hurting. Close to breaking point. I think if she doesn't work things out soon, it's going to tear her in two. But we can't push her into anything."
The rest of the sentence hang in the air, unsaid, but she knew they were both thinking of the week before. Mal's spectacularly unpopular decision to push Simon.
"So, we just gotta let them be for now?"
Inara looked sideways at him.
"You'd trust Jayne with her?"
Mal didn't blink.
"Yes. So do you, or you'd've said somethin' stronger by now. 'Sides," He sighed. "was Jayne who tried to end it. I don't think he'd hurt her. Not anymore'n she's hurting herself already."
Kaylee's about to catch the ball when two large arms come around her and she goes sprawling to the ground in a mess of limbs and tangled clothes. She hears it bounce to the left of her head and sees more feet rush past her. Her hand reaches back and finds the sensitive spot underneath his ribs and digs in deep."Gah!" Wash yells and lets her go. "That's not fair. Zo? Did you tell her 'bout that?"
"Not me, husband." Zoe grins as she stretches out a hand to help Kaylee up to her feet. Teammates have to work together. "Must have been someone else."
"You wait." He huffs as he scrambles up, glaring at them both. "You're not the only one with insider information. You're going to wish you..."
Kaylee stared down at her plate and tried to choke a mouthful of protein down. It wasn't working. She could feel half the people at the table desperately not looking at her and the other half watching her like a hawk.
It had been like that all week.
Jayne wouldn't look at her. Mal wouldn't stop. Simon kept trying to get her attention and she kept avoiding him. Since their talk that morning, Inara had joined Mal in watching her, searching her every movement. It made her want to shrink into nothing, to shrivel up into a little ball and just roll away, forgotten.
"Little Man!" Jayne yells, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "I'm free! Over here, I'm free!""So I've heard." Simon mumbles under his breath.
Jayne catches the ball and his grin is feral as he slams it into Simon's chest.
"Sorry, teammate?" He asks with a glint in his eye. "You say somethin'?"
"Not a thing."
Simon spins on his feet and aims for the hoop.
It was like a thick coating of gravel over his tongue and he had to swallow hard before he could speak.
"Jayne, can you please pass the bread?"
There was a grunt for a reply, but no words and no bread was passed his way. He swallowed, opened his mouth to ask again, when the basket landed in front of him.
"There, doc."
Mal sat down again and Simon frowned. He'd had to stand up and lean half way over the table to do that. Why he'd put himself out like that when there were several other people sitting between them made Simon wonder.
"No." Mal glares at Kaylee, despite her pout. "I said no.""But, Cap'n." She whines. "They're winning."
Like he doesn't know that as she stands there all akimbo, hands on her hips and chest heaving. Her and Zoe are facing off with him and Book. Across the cargo bay, he can see Wash, Jayne, Simon and River huddle. Well, the three men are, River is trailing around the group.
"Sir." Zoe entreats. "It would give us an advantage."
"Fine." He glares. "You want her on your shoulders, go right ahead, but I like my spine intact."
Zoe raises her hands and backs off.
"I'm afraid that's a little past my expertise as well." Book adds.
"Fine." Kaylee glares at them all. "That's why I'm always..."
Mal counted to sixteen before his brain screamed with the silence.
"Wash?" His voice sounded harsh and too loud, even to him. "We set for Three Hills?"
"Be there tomorrow." Wash agreed, his voice too cheerful. "No sweat."
"Good." He looks back down at his plate. "That's good then."
It's grown into a wild, untamable thing, this silence and tension that runs through everyone. Even those not affected have noticed the strain. Wash and Zoe tend to sit as close as possible to each other and further away from everyone else. Even Book sat at the edge of the table, poised as if ready to run whenever the inevitable explosion occurred.
Because that's what they were all waiting for. For something or, more like, someone to explode.
She found him in the infirmary.
"Simon?"
After a week, the sound of his name felt strange in her mouth. He turned quickly, dropping a small container on the bench so that it rolled loudly. Glass on tile, over and over as his eyes searched hers, blue and eager.
"Kaylee?" So eager, like a little dog. "I've been meaning to talk to you..."
"Kinda hard." She let him off easy. "Seein' as I've been avoiding you."
Inara's words echoed in her head. They'd been doing it all day long. She honestly didn't think Simon was merely a catalyst for something else, she couldn't remember any time since he and River had come aboard that she didn't like him, didn't want him in such a visceral way that it made her ache. It was funny, she hadn't even realized how lonely she was until someone she liked didn't seem to like her back.
"Well, yes." He smiled softly. "I had noticed."
It was strange, how much was offered and given in the little silences, in what wasn't said as he stepped towards her. She couldn't help but look at the little jar, teetering slightly on the bench, left abandoned on its side.
He never would have done that a month ago.
"After what happened." He continued. "I wanted to apologize, it wasn't supposed..."
"Simon." She broke in, suddenly tired. "We do this, we always do this. You're gonna say something real sweet and pretty and I'm gonna get all happy and get my hopes up and then you're gonna say something else, somethin' real stupid and I'm gonna be crushed."
"No." But it wasn't a denial, not with the way his eyes pleaded with her. "It won't always..."
"But it is." She insisted, not sure exactly why she felt the need to hug her elbows, clutch her arms in front of herself even as she stepped closer to him. " And I can't do that. I can't..."
Kaylee bit her lip. Simon breathed in to speak, but she cut him off.
"Just... just don't say anything." It was harder than it should have been. "If you really like me and you want this to work 'tween us, don't say anything else, just kiss me."
She let him, then, let him reach forward and take her face in his hands, let herself relax into him as he leaned forward and their lips met. Her arms fell down to her sides and her spine untwisted, uncoiled into something like a moan as she felt the spark rise between them.
There was something reverent in the way his hands cupped her chin, soft and awe filled. It made her shudder. Even as he turned them around, resting back on the bench and pulling her closer to him, Kaylee had to curl her fingers into her palms. Her eyes opened, looked straight up through the infirmary windows into the cargo bay and it felt like a physical blow.
The fire in Jayne's eyes made her whimper.
5. BACKLASH.
"You know what else?" His words are slurred and he's past caring anymore. "Scars, women like scars."He raises his mug, drains the last of the whisky, then lets it fall back to the table. Mal and Zoe are long gone, back to the ship. They've left the babysitting to Simon, a bit of a bad choice from both of them, but it's an even poorer choice for the two left behind.
"Jayne?" Simon looks all manner of uncomfortable sitting in a bar like this, surrounded by people who all blend into each other, 'cause they haven't spent an hour each day scrubbing their lily white skin. "Shouldn't we get back now?"
He's well past drunk and he doesn't care. It'll probably be better for all concerned if he drinks himself into unconsciousness, because it'll stop him saying something he'll regret later. It'll stop him picturing Kaylee pinned underneath him and pining for someone else, stop the taste of her on his tongue.
"I bet you ever get close enough with Kaylee, that scar on her belly's a real sweet spot."
Gorram it.
"That's enough, Jayne." Simon sighs. "Come on, I'll help you back."
"Mal." He'd just finished his tea and had been about to rinse it out, put it away and go to his bunk. "Mal, can I ask you somethin'?"
He should have drunken it faster.
"Yes, Jayne."
"Well." He stood next to the table, but didn't sit down. Mal watched him wring his hands together. "I was wonderin', tomorrow, when we stop... an' I know I ask all the time, but this time... I mean, I gotta... can I... tomorrow..."
"Jayne." It wasn't unkind, Mal's voice, as he gently urged him on. "Get to the point."
"I need some time." Jayne rushed the words out in one breath. "I need to go visitin'."
Mal blinked.
"Visiting?" The term struck him as almost quaint. "You mean...?"
"Yeah." Jayne frowned. "I gotta get outta here."
He chose his next words carefully.
"You haven't been visiting in weeks, Jayne."
"I know." And then Jayne did sit down, heavy and solid, landing with a thump. "I just gotta get out, get real drunk, maybe start a fight or ten. I need to hit somethin' real bad. Mal, you gotta gimme some time."
"That's not a bad idea." He hesitated. "What about...?"
Jayne looked at him and his eyes were big.
"She made her choice, Mal."
Kaylee's spine hits the wall hard and she gasps as his hands grapple with the front of her coveralls, yanking them off her shoulders and down past her hips. In turn, she slides her hands under his shirt and begins pulling it up over his head. She needs skin, hot, sweaty skin on hers, sliding against each other, pushing so hard it leaves them both breathless."Jayne." She moans it low and long. "God, Jayne."
Simon's hands guided her down to the mattress, it came up all around her, the softness of the pillow, the plush blanket. His lips followed her down, landing lightly on her cheek then spreading slowly over her jaw. She couldn't control the gasp as one of his hands made it up under her tee.
"Simon." She panted. "Simon, please."
Jayne's hands hold hers to the side of her head, holds her still as she writhes under him. Her skin stings with the force of it, the energy with which he sucks at her throat, her shoulders, his mouth pulling out of her all the frustration and anger that's been boiling up for so long.
She could feel the flow of cold air hit her skin as Simon pulled her shirt up and over her head, lowering himself back down to kiss her mouth again. His back was finely muscled and she dug her fingers into the grooves of it, felt him bunch and shift under her touch.
Kaylee throws her head back, hitting the wall, and bites down hard on the moan that wants to scratch its way out of her throat. Jayne's mouth is doing criminal things to her breasts, making her nipples ache, making her want to crawl out of her skin. Her shoulders twitch, straining against her arms being held immobile. It's all pooling, hot and liquid, between her legs.
Simon's hand kneaded her right breast as he kissed under her ear, his mouth wet and loving. It made her hips shift, made her whimper with it as he took his time. He knew what he was doing, that was obvious, enough to make her wonder why he'd taken so long. Her fingers curled into his hair, fine and dark, cupping his scalp.
Kaylee gasped as his head slipped between her fingers and dipped lower.
Jayne's tongue slides across the curve of her waist, leaving her little choice but to whimper her need, to push it at him with her pelvis. She hears his chuckle, low down and grumbly against her belly, and it sends shivers through her. Even before he does it, she knows what he's about to do, feels his mouth, hot and wet and open above the dent in her skin, feels his teeth, feels his tongue, feels him close down and suck so hard she cries out and her hips pump even further forward.
"Simon." She moaned softly, hardly able to believe they were finally there.
She could feel him everywhere, his whole body nestled between her legs, his hips pressed her thighs open and his right hand fondling her left breast. Kaylee ran her thumb over the back of his neck, felt the knobs of his spine as he kissed her navel.
Her hand splayed over his shoulder blade and she felt him move down further, felt him close his mouth over the depression there. Before she could push him away, he blew lightly over the puckered flesh and licked at it.
"Oh, god, Simon, yes." Her hips jerked under him. "Right there."
Simon stopped moving.
Jayne strapped the holster to his hip early the next morning, jerking the leather tightly, checking to see how much give it had. They were close to landing and he wanted to be ready, he couldn't wait until his feet touched earth. Real, hard packed, dry and dusty earth under him. Land as far as the eye could see, space enough to start walking and never stop, never turn back.
"Ni zang ta ma de!" It came out of nowhere, the fist that split his cheek open. "Tai mu chuo xiu niu rou gan!"
"Simon!" Kaylee shouted from somewhere above them. "Don't!"
"Yeah?" Jayne rounded on him, spun around with one hand holding on to the side of his face. "Well, guess she learned it off yours then."
"Don't you dare..."
Simon's face was red and angry as he pushed right up into Jayne's space.
"You wanna step back, doc." He growled. "I ain't in a forgivin' mood right now."
Jayne forced his hand up between them and gave a hard push, throwing Simon back against a crate. His body as good as bounced, it hit that hard. He could see the twisting of the man's face, saw him swallow the groan of pain that had to be in there.
"Mal!" He heard Kaylee shouting, running out of the bay. "Mal!"
It was less than a second before Simon came rushing back at him, fists raised.
"You ain't gonna win." Jayne had to play fair. "I'm lettin' you know that now."
"Stop it!" Mal's arm came straight down between them. "Simon, step back, do it now."
They must have run all the way from the bridge.
"But!" Simon protested.
"That's an order." Mal growled.
There were several seconds of silence, with both of them breathing hard and not taking their eyes off each other. Mal finally pushed Simon back, following him, keeping his hands on Simon's shoulders. Jayne looked up to the gangway to see Kaylee standing there, her face was red, but it wasn't anger. She'd been crying.
And her eyes were puffy enough to tell him that she'd been crying all night.
"What'd you do now?" He stepped closer to the two struggling men. "What the gorram hell did you...?"
"Zoe." Barked Mal. "Grab Jayne. Take him... just get him out."
"C'mon." There was a hand at his shoulder, on his arm, pulling him back. "Jayne, we still got a job to do. I'll patch you up."
"I ain't..." He tried to shrug her off.
"Yes." She had strength in her arms and wasn't about to let go. "Yes, you are."
As hiding places went, the engine room wasn't the most inspired choice she could have made. They found her when they wanted to.
"Secrets." A small voice shattered the silence underneath the thrum of the engine. "Boiling up. Can't stay hidden."
"I'm sorry, River." Kaylee sighed. "I'm real sorry."
"Not to me." She didn't look up, but she felt the hand on her arm. "Didn't do anything to me."
"You'd be about the only one." There was something protective about the machines turning above her, something safe. "How'd it all get so complicated?"
"He's small inside." River spoke to the walls, she didn't seem to need an answer. "Very scared. He has a lot to give and wants to give it. Hasn't had the chance yet. Pulls back, doesn't want to be burned."
"I know and I messed it up." As if she hadn't been saying the same thing to herself for months, as if she hadn't repeated it over and over again. "He's real sweet, Simon."
"Simon?"
By the time Kaylee worked up enough courage to look out, River had gone. She let her head fall back down to the ground.
"You still in here?"
"Cap'n." She made herself scoot out, made herself look him in the face.
"Well, well." He sat down, back against the wall, and faced her. "This is a fine mess, isn't it?"
"I didn't mean it. It wasn't supposed to go that far." He didn't blink and Kaylee bit her lip. It sounded young and immature, even to her. She looked down to her hands. "It's all my fault."
"Now, I didn't say that." If only he'd yell at her, order her off the ship, something. Anything, anything other than the calm, understanding voice. "There are three people involved here."
"And two of 'em didn't ask for this!" She had to hiss it out, it was the only way to stop the tears. "They didn't..."
"And you did, did ya?" He challenged her. "This is what you wanted, is it?"
The fight drained out of her as quickly as it had come.
"No."
"My ship's fallin' apart, mei mei." Mal sounded so tired. "I got a medic who won't leave his bunk, a merc who hasn't been back on the ship for two days and is probably passed out drunk somewhere, gettin' himself robbed blind and you."
The quiet, worried and vaguely disappointed tone in his voice cut deep.
"Kaylee, have you slept at all?"
"Yes?"
"No, you haven't." He kept pressing. "And I know you haven't been eating."
"I can't." Simple words and they meant so much. Can't make it better. Can't ever make it right. Can't ever say sorry enough. Can't go back in time. Can't look anyone in the face again. Can't look at food, let alone eat it. Can't... "I just can't, cap'n."
"So you just gonna stay in here, then, are you?" He stood up and she felt alone. "Work yourself into a coma? We gotta take off tomorrow, 'cause the rest of the people on this ship like their food, like to be able keep clothes on their backs. We gotta take off, merc or no merc, but we need a mechanic. You tell me now, do I need to find someone else? You gonna let Serenity down?"
The word 'too' hung in the air and she nearly choked on it.
"No." It was a whisper. "No, I'll be good."
Kaylee wiped her eyes and breathed in deep.
He woke up to feel hands patting his side down.
"Hey." His fist wrapped tightly around a wrist that had been heading to his shoulder. "You don't feel like no whore."
"Oh, isn't that sweet? I think it's the nicest thing he's ever said to me."
Jayne blinked.
"Little Man? S'at you?"
"And me, son."
The sunlight made him groan out loud when he tried to keep his eyes open. He decided to sit up with them closed. It was harder than it sounded, 'specially when some moron kept spinnin' the room around.
"Sheppard? What's goin' on?"
"Serenity's about to leave, we have to get you back to the ship before Mal hauls anchor."
Huh?
"So, I ain't bein' robbed?"
"Nothing more than your dignity." Wash's voice grated. "You're too heavy, you'll have get up and walk."
"I don't wanna."
"I don't think you heard." That had to be Book's hand, resting softly on his shoulder. "Serenity is about to leave this planet without you."
"Oh." He swallowed, tried to loosen the coating inside his mouth. "S'at it? 'Cause I still don't feel like leavin' yet. Nice knowin' ya."
"Jayne." Wash gave a nervous little laugh. "You're not going to make me go back without you, are you? 'Cause Zoe told me, in detail, what she was going to do if that happened, and I don't want..."
"Listen son." Book broke in. "I'm not giving you a choice. You're coming back to the boat, if we have to knock you out and carry you between us."
"Please come?" Wash pleaded. "I don't wanna have to carry you. You're a very heavy man."
He made sure to stay out of the way when Wash and Book helped bring Jayne back, dragged him up the stairs and poured him into his bunk. Kept himself busy, inside his quarters, by staring at the wall, folding and refolding the few clothes he had.
It was easier than staring at his bed.
Imagining her body there, under his, the two of them half naked and the way she'd smiled at him. The way she'd looked, as if her eyes were practically screaming 'finally, it's about time', as if it was something they'd always supposed to be doing.
He could remember the feel of her skin, so very hot under his, every muscle moving under his fingers, the divots of her ribs, the slide of her abdomen. Could remember the way her hands grabbed at him, trying to pull him closer and closer. As if their skin touching just hadn't been close enough.
Simon could remember the scar down low on her belly, could remember that it tasted like salt and soap, like the rest of her.
More than anything, he could remember the images that came into his head, could remember Jayne's voice weeks before and the way she hadn't been able to say anything to stop them. She'd cried and he should probably be used to making her cry, but this time it hadn't been him.
He'd had to brush his teeth over and over again after she'd left.
Her skin tasted like salt and soap and Jayne.
"Simon." He looked up to see Inara standing in the doorway. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine." But he knew she wouldn't be brushed off, not like the others. "Just brilliant."
"He's a boob." River's voice came from the corner, where she had firmly ensconced herself. "Stubborn and unrelenting."
"Most men are, sweetie."
Inara smiled, gesturing for River to leave. He half expected her to ignore Inara as much as she had him, tell her off like she had him when he'd asked her to leave, when he'd begged her to find something else to do. To his surprise, she got up without a word, taking her pad and pencils with her.
"You can't blame yourself."
He snorted, Simon actually snorted.
"I don't." His hands clenched and unclenched in front of him. The knuckles of his right hand were swollen and sore. "You don't need to worry on that account."
She gave a polite, attention getting throat clear and he looked up.
"Please." He knew he was being peevish, but he couldn't help the overly grand gesture. "Do sit down. Make yourself welcome."
She did.
"You can't blame her, either."
"What?" He had second thoughts about inviting her in. "Then who do I blame? She... she... oh god."
"She slept with another man, yes." Her voice didn't waiver. "Something, I might add, she did when you two were not officially an item."
"But..."
"But, what, Simon?" Her eyes were steady. "Did you think that she was going to wait for you forever? That you could keep brushing her aside, time after time, and not expect her to get lonely? Kaylee's a very special person and part of what makes her so special is the amount of love she gives and not only expects, but actually manages to bring out of other people in return."
He kept noticeably silent.
"She's human, Simon, only human. Just like the rest of us. She needs contact, probably needs it more than anyone else on this ship. She spent a year trying to get that from you, only to be repelled time and again. And now you're going to punish her for actually finding it somewhere else, when you'd given no sign that you were ever going to change?"
"I wanted to!" He clenched his hands again, felt the swelling strain and almost wanted the skin to split. "But I've had other things to... River..."
"I'm not saying you didn't have reasons, Simon." Her voice hadn't changed tone or pitch, not once, but he could hear a thousand different nuances. "I'm asking you to see hers."
Mal sat in the pilot's chair, absently turning a small, plastic piece of crap over and over in his hands. He thought it was supposed to be a tree. Or, possibly, a spare dinosaur leg. Whatever. It was just one of the things that made his ship 'quirky'.
Not smooth running, oh no, couldn't have that on Malcolm Reynold's ship, that would be too easy. No, he had to have pilots with a fetish for plastic toys and offensive shirts. And crazy, violent girls who may or may not be able to read all their minds and then kill them for what they were thinking.
He was beginning to think he should have listened to Zoe way back when and just left the Firefly sitting in the dust.
"Hey now." His hand smoothed over the controls as the ship gave a lurch. "I was bein' all rhetorical, baby, you know that."
But it jerked his awareness back to the moment, back to scanning the radars and read outs. That's when he heard it.
A voice.
Which brought him back to the very thing he'd been trying to forget, ai ya, forget for just five minutes please. Everybody else was supposed to be sleeping. Well, those that could. The others could at least close their eyes and pretend. If they had manners.
Mal walked to the door and was about to call for quiet when he saw Kaylee at the far wall.
"Jayne." Her voice was just cracked enough for him to know she was still crying. "Jayne, please."
She whispered it into the com on the far wall and got silence in return.
"I can't sleep." She pleaded. "I haven't slept for days."
More silence and Mal looked to the lockers, checked for the blanket that should be there. He was going to go talk to her again, try to get her to see reason.
"Jayne?" He could hear the painful sob. "Please?"
There was a loud buzz and Mal recognized it as a lock being released.
He turned away so that he didn't have to see the relieved way she rushed to Jayne's door.
"You had me scared, Jayne." She rushed the words out as soon as she was at the bottom of the ladder. "I didn't know if you were comin' back."
He watched her, watched the way that she stood there, and took in the bags under her eyes, the sallow tint of her skin and the way her eyes kept jumping back and forth as she tried to wipe the tears away.
"Didn't have no choice." He kept his voice neutral.
"I'm glad they brought you back." She stepped closer to him. "I don't want you to leave 'cause of me."
"Leave? Why would I leave?" Jayne didn't even blink. "Nothin' matters, does it? Don't matter a bit."
"Yes." She stopped looking at him, looked down at the ground instead. "It doesn't matter."
He waited, stood there and waited to see what she would do next. She didn't look up at him, but her hands came up and lifted her shirt over her head.
"Don't." The material floated to the floor and he watched her come to a complete still. "You want this to happen? Then it's gonna happen my way."
There was a slight bunching of her muscles and then she nodded.
"My way." He repeated and walked towards her, reaching out to lift a lock of hair out of her eyes. "You do what I say."
A shudder went through her, he could see it.
"Yes." She agreed and lifted her eyes to meet his.
"Good." He dropped his hand and gestured to the bed. "Now lie down on your stomach."
"What?" Her eyes flickered down and then up again. "Jayne?"
He didn't answer. She bit her lip and obeyed, cautiously lowering herself down. As if she were waiting for something to come out and attack, as if she were waiting for the catch. His eyes traveled the skin of her back, saw her muscles stand out in stark relief as she waited, tense and tight, her arms drawn in close underneath her chest.
"Good."
Jayne easily stretched himself over her, careful not to touch her as he settled himself down next to her on the bed, his back pressed up against the wall. He could see the uncertainty in her face.
She jumped as his hand came into contact with the top of her neck, but he didn't pull back, just let his fingers glide softly and slowly down her skin.
"Jayne?" Her voice was close to breaking again.
"Shh." His hand repeated its stroke, from the top of her spine to the small of her back. "I ain't gonna do nothin'. You just go to sleep."
He watched as she shuddered under him, kept watching as she slowly unfurled, the tightness leaving her and her breath coming easier and easier. Watched as her fingers slowly unclenched, her shoulders spread out and her face relaxed.
By the time she fell asleep, her skin undulated under his, just as he always thought it would.
6. SLEEPLESS.
She woke smelling him.
His pillow was pushed right up into her cheek and every breath she took was drenched in Jayne. It was strange how many times she'd been down in his bunk, been in his bed, and never noticed such a small, obvious detail.
The quiet hum of the engine on automatic told her they were still powered down. It had to be early.
"Don't." His voice grunted into her ear before she'd even had a chance to move. "You ain't goin' nowhere."
Her fingers curled into a fist under the pillow and then relaxed.
"'Kay."
She'd woken under him.
His hand was on her back, fingers splayed across the whole of it, and his shoulder sat heavy over hers. His hip nudged against her thigh and his whole body was warm, so warm she could feel the radiation pouring off him.
He was hot all over, but it wasn't the searing heat she'd come to expect.
Jayne had come to her, she couldn't stop telling herself that, he'd come to her first. He'd kissed her, he was the one who'd slid his fingers in under her clothes and whispered dark, dirty thoughts into her ear. She hadn't gone to him, not at first.
But she'd let it happen.
"One night. S'all I want." He whispered it to her in the dark, like he and not River could read her mind. "Just give me one full night."
And she hadn't stopped it.
"Anything." She whispered back, soft and so close to being silent.
Didn't know if she wanted to stop it.
His hand snaked over her back, slipped over the curve of her hip and around her waist. Kaylee fell pliant to his touch, let herself be scooped up in his hand and pulled up against his chest. His legs came up and nestled under hers and his hand curled itself against her stomach.
She'd made a beggar of a thief.
"Anything." It came out like a tear through her eyelid, like the press of full, thick lips to the back of her neck. "Anything at all."
And he was being gentle enough to break her.
Simon woke staring at an empty ceiling.
"What? Simon, what's wrong?""Did you...?" But the words won't come as he trails his thumb over the edge of her hip. "Why would...?"
She reaches up to brush hair out of his eyes and he jerks his head away from her. It makes her flinch.
"Simon?" She sits up, pushing herself up on her elbows to look at him.
"He knew." The words crystallize in his head, turning sour in his mouth. "Jayne knew about the scar."
Her eyes widen and his thumb presses down harder. He doesn't even feel it, because he's looking, looking so hard for her denial, looking for her to laugh at the suggestion. At the absurdity of him even thinking about it.
She doesn't.
It was never fully dark in his room, there was always the hint of light streaming in under the sliding doors. The auxiliary power that ran the ship. He'd gotten used to sleeping in dim shadows, barely even noticed it anymore. Except when he couldn't sleep, except when the silences woke him up and he had no choice but to see shapes in the shadows that sliced over his walls.
"It didn't mean anything!" Her face is white."It didn't...?" He's not sure what to think. "Is that supposed to make it better or worse?"
"That's not what I meant." She's crying as she sits up, slides her legs out from under him. "Simon, don't..."
He shakes his head.
"When?" Such a loaded question.
"Simon, please, it doesn't matter."
She won't look at him and, for some reason, that makes the question more urgent.
"When Kaylee?"
"Three months." They way she gasps, you'd think her words were punching her in the gut and not him. "It started three months ago."
"Started?"
Her moan is strangled in her throat and she looks miserable.
He rolled over and grasped the blanket, pulled it high up under his chin and brought his hands up close, huddling into himself. There wasn't anything he could do to stop the ghosts of it dancing around his brain, her voice, his voice, their pain.
"How could you, Kaylee? How could...?""Please." She's begging again, reaching out to take hold of his hand, but he twists out of her reach, backs up and away from her. "Don't be mad. I got lonely, I was upset..."
He holds up his hand. To stop her words, to stop her tears. Just to stop her.
"I get that. I do." He swallows and tries to make sense of the million things rattling in his brain. "But all that time, you still came to me and we joked, we flirted, and you didn't say anything. Not once! You looked me straight in the eye and never once said 'by the way, I'm sleeping with Jayne'."
Her eyes are huge and he doesn't ever remember seeing them wounded like that, even counting when she was shot.
"Every time he came and picked a fight, you didn't say a thing!" He felt his hand at the side of his eye, at the faint line of dissolving weaves that were no longer needed to hold his skin together. "He could have hurt me and you didn't tell me why!"
"I wouldn't have..." She stumbles over her words, pushes them through the sobs. "... let him hurt you."
"How can I ever trust you, Kaylee?" He can see the words hit her physically. "How can I believe a word you say after this?"
He remembered the first thing that drew him to her, that big, bright smile in the dust of Persephone, her endless enthusiasm among people that looked like they couldn't remember how to smile. Simon hadn't been able to recall seeing someone smile so sincerely, so without artifice, since before River had been sent to the Academy.
No matter what happened, even when she was shot, even after she'd been scared and pushed to her limits, Kaylee had smiled and found a bright side to everything. She was always there, always the one trying to cheer everyone else, trying to make things that much more bearable for others.
There were several times in the past year alone where he'd been ready to give up, ready to just throw in the towel and admit defeat. Kaylee had been there, each and every time, gently reminding him to look for the best. She'd always been able to find the good. No matter how hidden and small it was.
Suddenly, in the front of his memory, Simon began to see the last few months as they played out in his head. That Kaylee wasn't boundless, wasn't bright and eager. Her eyes were haunted even as her smiles were broad. She'd lost weight.
She didn't laugh as loudly as he remembered.
"I'm sorry." She's reduced to begging. "Simon, I'm so sorry.""I don't..." He bends down to pick up her shirt, tossed across the room in the middle of their passion, and gently runs the material over his fingers. Just barely stops himself bringing it up to his nose and smelling her in it before he tosses it to her. "I need to be alone."
"What are you going to do?" The hesitation in her voice makes him wonder if she really wants an answer to that.
"I don't know." He tells her truthfully. "I don't know what to think. Please leave now."
He doesn't have the energy to watch her walk away.
Jayne couldn't sleep.
He lay awake and cradled her in his arms, felt her breath come slow, deep and steady as she lay there.
She made a man tired, made him bone weary, but she was worth it.
7. DOORS.
She's stretched taut, teetering on the edge of a knife bade and waiting to fall.Jayne is behind her, she can feel his large, naked chest holding her up, pressing in against her shoulder blades as his mouth works along her jaw. Kaylee leans her head back, lets it rest on his shoulder, opens her neck to him and groans when he sucks at her pulse.
His hands come up and around her, palming at her breasts, rough and insistent. Long fingers tweaking her nipples, stroking the rounded flesh, pulling and pushing and shaping, it makes her ache, makes her hungry, makes her open.
"Simon." It comes out of her lips without notice.
"Right here."
There are hands at her hips, wrapping down around her thighs and lifting them, dragging them up and apart. Then he's there, hips bruising the delicate inner skin of her legs as he pushes right in. Her back arches, pushing her closer to Jayne even as she thrusts at Simon.
She can't even see the ground, let alone feel it, they've got her strung between them.
They're everywhere, too much, all at once. Hands and mouths and hips and legs and necks and eyes. Her arms come up, lift behind her head, and grab Jayne's neck. Her fingers close around hot, heated skin and pull him closer, force him to bend down and it feels as if her body is going to bend so completely she'll flip right over him.
"Jayne." It's a long, low moan.
"I got ya."
Her throat is raw and scratched, heavy with it.
"I can't..." She finally gasps out.
"Of course not." Simon whispers to her.
"Not like this." Jayne agrees.
Simon makes another thrust, deep and hard, his hands grip her waist, and then lowers her to the ground, steps forward while he's still insider her. They're all pressed together, closing in tight. There are hands at her back, stroking her spine, calming her shivers. There's a mouth on hers, soft and full, carefully containing her moaning, the cries.
"You're so beautiful." Simon whispers over his tongue and onto hers.
"So gorram beautiful." Jayne echoes as his hands slide over the flesh of her arms.
"Please." It's all she can say. "Please."
Fingers close over her wrists and Jayne lifts her hands, places them up and around Simon's neck. She gives into it, doesn't have any choice as she falls forward and drapes her head into the crook of his shoulder. Her lips ghost over the pulse she finds.
"Right there."
She can't even tell who it is anymore as four hands slip around her breasts, slide over her ribcage and down into the curve of her waist. Four hands, twenty fingers, heat multiplying against heat, grind against grind, one to the other.
Energy is something foreign to her, she's boneless and fluid and unable to hold herself up. Jayne grips her hips and suddenly lifts them up and backward and onto him. Her gasp is swallowed in the vast expanse that is Simon's neck, Simon's skin, as she's impaled again.
They fall to their knees, the three of them, pushing and pulling and taking.
"Oh, god." Words that rasp out of her mouth.
"God ain't got nothin' to do with it, babygirl."
Simon falls back, or she pushes him, or it's just inevitable, she can't tell anymore. And she's pulled on top of him, straddles the length of him, even as she's crushed by Jayne at her back, on top of her. Her hand stretches out, reaches up and away from them, scrambles for purchase and nearly finds one.
It's Simon that captures it and brings it back.
"I want..." She pants it. "I need..."
"We know."
Jayne pulls out and Simon pushes in. Kaylee's eyes roll back in her head. Over and over again.
"Please..." She manages, finally, with a violent shudder. "Please stop."
They're going to tear her apart.
"Kaylee?" Jayne ran a hand over her shoulder and down her back. "Kaylee, c'mon, wake up."
He could tell the moment she drifted from sleep into wakefulness, felt it in the snap of her body, in the sudden stillness and the way she stopped moaning in that god awful way. The way that made him want to hurt someone real bad for whatever they'd done to make her sound like that. Even if he had a sneaking suspicion he was part of that.
"Jayne?"
It was wrong, just plain wrong for Kaylee's voice to be so broken down.
"I'm here. I got ya."
He thought, maybe, she'd settle back down, thought she'd lie there for a while until she could breathe without it hitching in her throat. He certainly wasn't expecting her to bring her knees up to her chest and roll over, nestle down deep into his arms and bury her face into his neck. His hand came to rest gently on the curve of her back, rocking with her.
A small, soft hand came up and landed on his chest, fingers curled into the hair there and it felt like she was trying to draw him closer.
She cried and he kissed the top of her head while her knees poked him in the belly.
Simon drew the sheet up, perfectly pin tight and stretched over the mattress.
It was strange how empty his bed, his whole room, seemed in just one week. He'd slept alone for the whole time he'd been on Serenity, had slept alone for a lot longer than that, and made a personal space out of the four walls.
He couldn't quite forget the way she filled up a room, no matter how large it was, the way she always seemed to have to squish herself down just to be contained, like she'd just burst free if she was allowed. It made the lack of her all that larger.
"Simon! C'mon, there's something you gotta see!"The door bursts open and his heart jumps up, scared into his throat. He can't help the rapid, thundering pulse in his ears. It startles him into a curtness he doesn't mean, something he wants to push down and override, but he can't seem to do it.
"Kaylee!" He can feel his voice go cold, just so that he control his nerves. "You should have knocked. You have no idea what I could have been doing in here, you..."
"Oh." She breezes right over it. "I don't care none about any of that."
"Well I do." It's a little sparkle that goes out of her eyes. "And so should you."
She'd only been in his bed once, just once, and nothing had even happened, not really. Yet it was big without her, too big, and he couldn't help but think on what Inara had said. She'd tried so hard to get close to him and Simon knew that wasn't an easy task. He knew that he'd built up boundaries and defenses.
It had taken him a long, long time to feel comfortable on the ship, to feel comfortable with the people on it and the work they did. Kaylee was the first thing he could remember actually liking about Serenity, the first thing that made him feel like they could all get out of this with some measure of life and hope. He couldn't imagine the effort it took to keep that brightness, that determination against his shell. She'd finally broken him down, had gotten past all of it.
And now he couldn't help but think about all the times she'd sat with him, joking and laughing, trying to make him smile. All that time, each and every time, she'd had it in the back of her head, in the feel of her skin, the knowledge of what she'd done.
He hadn't thought she knew how to lie like that. Not Kaylee. She showed everything right there on her face, at least he'd thought so. Thought that if she looked at him with a sparkle in her eye, then that sparkle would be for him.
Now he couldn't shake the feeling that he would always wonder.
She had asked him, once, not that long ago, if there was anything on board Serenity that he was glad of, not for River, but for himself. He'd wanted to say 'you', wanted to say her name, but something stopped him. He'd seen it in her eyes, he'd known for a fact that she'd wanted him to say it, too. It would have been so easy to let the words come, to give her what she wanted. But he hadn't, he'd been too scared. That seemed almost laughable to him now, the thought that he could hurt her just by finally taking a step and reaching out for what he wanted.
He wondered if she asked the question again, he'd want to give the same answer.
His eyes strain hard at the screen. He's been staring at it for so long that he's getting a headache, a fully blown migraine surely isn't far behind. There's a vein that throbs just behind his right eye. If only he could see into the scan and find the answer, see it written somewhere in the broken, scattered patterns of River's brain."Simon? You still in here?" He hears Kaylee behind him. "We're gonna start a game of cards, wanna play?"
"I'm sorry." He sighs it. "I'm busy right now."
"Busy?" There's a tone of disappointment in her voice that he tries so hard not to hear. "You been looking at the same thing for hours. If you haven't found what you're lookin' for yet, you ain't gonna find it. At least take a break."
It sounds too much like a dismissal, like giving up on ever finding the proper help for River.
"Kaylee, please." He won't give up. "I don't have time for games right now."
Simon wasn't fooling anyone. Of course he would, of course he'd want to give the same answer.
It would be hard, he knew, he wasn't even going to try to pretend otherwise. It would be very hard to push past it, to look at her and not see Jayne lurking in the shadows, but it wouldn't be impossible. She was worth it, if he could put in the effort, she was worth it.
He just had to pluck up enough courage to tell her that. It was still early, early enough for everyone to still be asleep. With any luck, he could catch her in her bunk, speak with her before anyone else interrupted. That's the one thing they had precious little of on this boat. Privacy.
He hoped she was still there.
"You want some help?"Simon bites on his bottom lip, trying to concentrate on getting the stitches just right. Not that Mal would mind, he's sure, but he still takes an ungodly amount of pride in his work. As if he's still got supervisors looking over his shoulders, clucking at the tiniest, minutest little detail gone wrong.
"Not now, Kaylee, I'm just finishing up here."
"I could help." There's a bit of wounded pride in her voice. "I could at least hold something, if you wanted."
"No." He sighs it. "It'll just go quicker if I do it myself."
As he stood outside her bunk, looking at the absurdly bright nameplate, hand poised and ready to push the rung, Simon knew he was always closing doors on Kaylee.
He intended to start opening them.
8. SMALL VICTORIES.
Serenity, for all that she had been patient and indulgent in the midst of Kaylee's personal hell, would not wait for ever. Kaylee yawned as she tightened the last bolt on the engine casing. She wondered, for a brief second before she dismissed the idea out of hand, if asking Mal for engine parts right now when he'd bend over backwards just to keep her happy was a mite manipulative.
She stretched her neck, rolled it back and forth until the kinks were gone. It surprised her how easily she'd slept the night before, even given her bout of nightmares and restlessness. Surprised her how many times she'd woken and, feeling herself surrounded, felt relieved.
Now, apart from them both, she felt torn.
Simon was everything she'd always wanted. Smart, funny, swai, tender. Everything he did had a purpose, his whole career as a doctor was about helping people, about healing them, and he'd given everything he had to help River and he still did.
She saw it, now and then, saw in him that all the things she liked there would be exactly how he'd treat her. Simon would cherish her, she'd known if he ever got past what had held him back, she'd known it. And he'd proved her right, that night there in his bunk, it had been like she always thought it should be.
She'd wanted Simon for so long and she finally had a chance to make that possible.
Then there was Jayne. Rough around the edges, crude as all get out, selfish, mean Jayne. Yet, he wasn't, she was beginning to see, not really, not to her. He was gentle with her, gentle in a way she hadn't seen before and it had nothing to do with the way he touched her, in the way most would look and judge.
The way Jayne was gentle had nothing to do with caresses and holding doors open or carrying her things from one room to the next, that sorta thing wasn't him at all. No, he was gentle in the way he watched her, the way he always seemed to know just what she wanted and gave it to her.
Whether it was soft or not.
Kaylee could have hit her skull into the bulkhead over and over again with the confusion of it all. She'd never wanted to hurt anyone and now she was hurting them both. It didn't matter which way she turned after this, she'd hurt someone.
If only she could stand still, shut her eyes tight, and hope it would all go away.
"I believe in miracles." She whispered the litany of her childhood, fervently hoping that some of that magic would fly up into the black and find her all the way out here as she made her way to her bunk door. "I believe."
The lights that surrounded her bunk seemed to mock her and she frowned at them.
"I believe..." Her voice trailed off the lower she got.
There was something different, something not right about the feel of her bunk. Her eyes scanned the room, scanned the bed with its floral cover, the bright and cheery items she'd stuck all over her walls, the fluffy pink dress she'd started to see as taking up too much space she could use for more important things, instead of the possibilities it had once brought her.
She couldn't place it, couldn't place what felt wrong.
"Hello?" But there was no answer. "Anyone in here?"
As her foot reached the floor, her hand brushed up against something wound around the ladder. Whatever it was stung her and she bit her lip, bringing her finger to her mouth to suck at the drop of blood that welled there.
A dried rose, one of the ones she usually had pinned up next to her bed, was sitting there, waiting for her. Her eyes rose, looked up, as if she could see whoever it had been standing there, even though she knew there hadn't been anyone when she'd walked from the engine room.
"Wo bu xiang zhe." She couldn't stop herself climbing the ladder anyway. "Chi shen ji."
With a growl of frustration, Kaylee reached up and tore the cheery lights from her door, tossing them in a tangle all the way down to the floor of her bunk. She had a sneaking suspicion she knew who'd been there.
And why he'd left.
Jayne pumped the weights with fierce determination. Up, down, up, down, again and again. He ground his teeth against the burn in his upper arms. It was better to keep busy, to keep himself occupied. There was very little to do, trapped inside the ship like a bunch of sardines packed into a tin.
Up. Down.
Weren't nowhere to go that he weren't followed by people. They were startin' to drive him nuts. Stickin' their noses where it didn't belong. Man couldn't turn around without someone there. Made him want to zip up an EV suit and just float away from it all.
Up. Down.
Hell, maybe it'd be worth it to just jump out the airlock without the suit.
It drove him up the bend waiting for the hammer to fall. They all knew now, he was sure of it, but ain't one of them said anything to him. Not really, not the way he'd thought they would. He was waiting for the dull thud of something hitting his skull, or the sharp pains of a blade in his skin.
But nothin'.
Up. Down.
Not even any cryptic crap from River. It made a man wonder why they'd all gone to so much trouble to bring him back on board. Why they hadn't just left him there. Woulda been a kindness, to let him just drink himself into unconsciousness until he'd forgotten where he was and why.
"You look like you need some help, son."
"Not." He strained, gritting his teeth. "Now. Thanks Sheppard."
Up. Down.
"You keep up like this and you're going to work yourself into the ground."
Up. Pause. Down.
"Maybe that's what I need." He mumbled it to himself, surprised at the bitterness in his own voice, and wondered if Book had heard him. "Look, I ain't much company right now."
"I doubt you need all the punishment you seem to be dolling out." Damn, he had heard. "Why don't you take a rest? I don't need much in the way of company, but I think you might."
Up. Down.
"A man like me needs a lot of things, Sheppard. I don't think I'm gonna find any of 'em in the bible, or from a man of god."
Up. Down. Up. Down. Shake. Up. Down.
"You'd be surprised what those things can offer you, sometimes, if you let them, but I wasn't talking about them."
Breathe. Up.
"I done bad things, surely you know that." Down. "Book, even if you ain't speakin' as a Sheppard right now, I don't think I'm the one you oughtta be wastin' your time with."
A hand came out, above his head, and grasped the bar. Jayne thought about fighting it, about trying to keep the weight as long as he could.
"Who said anything about wasting it?" He found himself giving over the bar. "Jayne, you gave someone what they asked for when they asked for it, more importantly, when they needed it. Nobody can begrudge you that."
His fingers flexed, empty, in mid air. Yes they could.
"Hey." Jayne trails a thumb over her forehead, pushing away a strand of hair that's hanging in her eyes. "How're you feelin' this mornin'?"Her body stretches in a yawn, arching against him. Jayne closes his eyes and tries not to feel the softness of her chest against his, her legs lying flush against his own, her head cradled in the crook of his arm. He could stay here all day, if she'd let him. He wants to.
"Sleepy." She admits as she blinks herself awake. "In a good way."
"Kaylee..."
He's not sure what he wants to say, but it's something. Something, anything, to keep her there. He knows what's about to happen and wants to stop it. Even as she sits up, her eyes already scanning the floor for her clothes.
"I gotta go check the engine." It's a brush off, he's had enough of them to recognize it. "I have to."
He can't stop her, she's already given him what he asked for. One night. His fingers curl over the whirls of her spine, in the hollows of her lower back. He watches her slip her clothes back on and wonders how long it will be before she's back.
How long until he's in a position to ask for something further than one night, knowing that's the only time she'll agree.
When Jayne finally finds the energy to leave his bunk, he sees Simon climbing out of Kaylee's. It makes him grit his teeth, makes him curl his fingers, the very same fingers that so easily touch and soothe Kaylee, into a fist.
"Is she in there?" It's Simon that steps forward and speaks first. "Is she in your bunk?"
Strange, that discovering he's shit poor at one thing, will make a man more adept at another. Looks like Simon has discovered his balls and the ability to start fights. Jayne briefly thinks about all the ways he can make this worse.
And there are several.
"She ain't here." He says finally. "Not in my bunk."
A flicker in Simon's eyes tells Jayne that his words aren't exactly taken at face value. It gives him a slight sense of satisfaction. He holds the door open and raises his brows, challenges Simon.
"You wanna check?"
Simon bites his lip.
"No."
Jayne watches him spin on his heel and walk away.
Mal sighed and tapped his fingernails on the tabletop.
"Well." He spoke and his voice sounded loud in the silence.
He looked at the table and they looked at him. Three chairs were empty.
"That's it." Standing up, he made his way to the com unit by the wall. "Attention crew!"
The way his voice echoed around the whole ship would usually have made him smile, but not now. The five remaining people at the table winced. Quite possibly this was overkill, but he didn't care.
"We have sit down meals together on my ship. And if you haven't noticed, the next designated meal is now. From this second, all access to the kitchen stores are revoked, except for communal meal times. That means, you don't show up, you don't eat."
That should fix it.
"You all got five minutes to show up. I mean it!"
He kept his back straight and his face calm as he walked back to the table and took his place. His eyes looked straight down at his plate as he delicately picked up a napkin and spread it out in his lap. Nobody spoke.
Footsteps heralded the first arrival and he looked up to see Simon hovering in the door.
"Nice of you to join us, doc."
Everyone looked down at their plates as Simon settled himself into the chair next to River. Mal lifted the water jug and filled his glass. Zoe took it from him and he prayed for someone to speak. To say anything. Nobody did.
They had three minutes left. He was counting, if they didn't...
More footsteps and Mal didn't have to look up.
"There's a seat next to Wash, Jayne." He said. "Take it and shut up."
He continued to count.
"She'll show." River whispered.
Kaylee made her way into the engine room. Mal thought he had everyone pegged, thought he was gonna force 'em all to face each other before they were ready. Well, he hadn't figured on her. She wasn't as easily manipulated as they all thought.
She spent a lot of time in this room and she'd made it very comfortable indeed.
A hammock to sleep in if'n she got tired, a cheap romance novel she'd never admit to owning if anyone ever found it hidden in among her tools in case she got bored, small trinkets that made this room more her own.
Not to mention the small stash of supplies she kept hidden underneath the hammock, her own secret supply of chocolate supplement, dried fruits and packets of snack foods. It would keep her happy for as long as she needed. At least a day or two until she could get things sorted out with the others.
Kaylee lifted the bag out from the stacks and tested the weight of it in her hand. A self satisfied smile played on her lips. The small victories were important, sometimes.
River nodded in the silence, sneaking a look up to the captain. His jaw was clenched tight and he was staring at the doorway with an intensity that bordered on frightening. Beside her, Simon kept starting at any noise, even the little ones.
She could feel the change in the room's vibrations and turned her head to give a small smile to Kaylee as she walked in. The smile was not returned as Kaylee slowly walked all the way up to her chair and held out her hand.
"Thanks, River." Kaylee said through gritted teeth.
"You're welcome."
She continued to smile as she opened her fingers and watched Kaylee drop the jacks onto them.
9. CHOICES.
Kaylee sat at the head of the table. It felt strange, so very strange, to be sitting in the seat that was universally Mal's. Her hand clenched and unclenched on the table top and she watched her fingers curl into themselves, unfurling open and empty.
Her head was loud, full of a thousand thoughts and recriminations. The room was loud, full of confusion and resentment and the rest of the crew taking their places at the table, their eyes boring into her. It was all loud, but she was stuck in silence, the inability to swallow, the distaste in her mouth.
When her eyes rose, she made sure they focused on one person and one person only. His blue eyes watched her with something she couldn't believe was anything other than disappointment. Those eyes, that had taken one look at her and seen something worth trusting, seen somebody worth hiring, behind the prairie harpy he'd almost dismissed her as.
Kaylee loved those eyes. They helped her stay strong as she cleared her throat.
"I have an announcement to make."
If she'd thought it was silent around her moments before, she'd just been proven wrong.
"I've made some mistakes, some pretty bad ones." Her mouth was too dry and she clicked her tongue to loosen it, wished everybody's stares weren't so heavy. "An' I've finally come to a decision."
Watchful eyes and careful maneuvering have made sure she can waylay Kaylee before she slips out of the mess and into the bowels of the engine, not to be seen again for the rest of the night."Kaylee. I have the sudden need to play chess. Would you like a game?"
"Zoe." And Kaylee bites her lip. "You always win. I ain't that good."
She smiles, gently.
"Maybe you'll learn something." Her hand comes up to, very carefully, very particularly not forceful, guide Kaylee by the arm to the cushioned chairs in the mess. "Indulge me?"
Kaylee's not wrong. She's a very average chess player, broadcasting her moves three plays ahead, too cautious to really advance anywhere. It's not the sort of game Zoe likes, it doesn't hold the challenge and she always ends up feeling as though she's cheated.
Zoe watches her hand waver between moving a rook and a bishop, her teeth chew on her lip as she does. It's almost frustrating, because she knows Kaylee will eventually settle for moving one of her pawns and the whole deliberation will have been for nothing.
"Do you remember when Mal and Wash were taken by Niska?"
"Huh?" Kaylee looks up at her, eyes widening as her hand slips on the pawn. "'Course I do. I ain't like to forget it in a hurry."
"Do you know why I chose Wash, when Niska gave me a choice?"
Kaylee blinks and Zoe can see the surprise and confusion on her face.
"'Cause Mal's stronger and can last longer bein' tortured?"
"Yes." That really does surprise Zoe. "But that's not..."
"Because Niska cared more about Mal and wouldn't've tried to wake Wash up if he went and died like Mal did?"
The answers have taken her a little off guard, Zoe hadn't thought Kaylee had understood so much of the dilemma that she'd been faced with. Didn't realize that Kaylee had thought so much about the motivations behind her actions.
"Yes, that's part of it." Zoe eyes the board and keeps her voice neutral. "But, also, because if I walked in there and showed one sliver of weakness, that both of them were equally important to me, Niska wouldn't have let any of us go. If I didn't choose, he would have kept me and used me to break the both of them."
Color drains out of Kaylee's face as Zoe leans forward, easily nudging her knight forward.
"But..." Kaylee stutters. "But what if you couldn't choose between 'em?"
Zoe watches as Kaylee bites her lip, as she tries not to jump at the board, where Zoe's knight is now a sitting duck and prey to whims and mercies of Kaylee's remaining bishop. She sighs as her knight is taken.
"I had to choose." She says simply as she moves her Queen out of hiding, places it square in the middle of the board. "I had to risk sacrificing one of them. Because, if I didn't, I would have lost them both."
Zoe uses the tip of her fingernail to tap Kaylee's King over.
"This ship is like my home." It hurt her, physically hurt her to say it. "An' everyone on it is like my family. We been so close and now, 'cause of me, that's gone."
Nobody disagrees with her. She didn't really expect them to.
"I'm sorry." She tried, tried so hard to stop the tears, but she couldn't help it. "I didn't want..."
"Mei mei." Inara is the first to come over, to lay hands on her shoulders and she's grateful for that. "Don't do this to yourself."
"I don't know what to do, 'Nara."It's a sanctuary of sorts, Inara's shuttle, a small piece of the ship that she can come to and not feel inundated with everyone. There's few of those spaces left and she desperately needs somewhere to think, somewhere the rest of them won't follow.
"What do you want to do?" Inara's voice is, as always, the calming balm it's trained to be.
"Simon, he's everything I been wanting, and now he wants me. He's ready to try and make things work. He said so, said he wants to take things to the next level, whatever that is."
Kaylee feels, rather than sees Inara urging her to continue.
"And Jayne, he's been nothin' but sweet to me. An'... I don't know, it's like he's everything I didn't know I wanted. He wants me to be more'n just a one night stand, I know it, I guess I known it for a while, and I can't help but see what he means, too."
"Kaylee." Inara takes her chin in both hands and forces her to meet her eyes. "I asked you what you wanted. I already know what Simon and Jayne want."
"That's just it." It's a wail, held deep and secret. "I don't know! I can't think about anythin' else, everywhere I go, it's Jayne and Simon. I just don't know what to do."
"Yes you do." River's calm voice floats out of nowhere and they both turn to look at her. "Deep down. You know what you need to do."
"I'm not sure I understand." Book broke the pause.
Kaylee looked up at Mal in desperation, pleading with him to take over the conversation, to lead where she obviously can't. He shrugs at her, unwilling to help or aide her in this. He's already spoken his piece to her, told her what he thinks, and it's not the most supportive he's ever been.
Across the table, two pairs of eyes on either side of the table bore into the woodwork. Neither of them look up, neither of them move. If it was any other situation it would have tickled her, amused her to see them so similar.
Anything else, but this.
"I had to make a choice." She said it simply. "So I did."
"Jayne?" Her voice waivers, breaks in the middle. "Jayne? Say somethin'."He looks up and his eyes are ready to kill.
"What do ya want me to say, Kaylee? You made your choice, didn't you?"
She can only nod.
"An' there ain't nothin' I can do to talk you out of it?"
She shakes her head and wills her eyes not to cry.
"Kaylee."
He stands up, stepping towards her and there's no way to hide the flinch she gives or the way she steps back. His eyes widen and his mouth falls open. She can see it in his eyes, the way his anger drains away, replaced with something else.
Something too much like pain.
"Kaylee." He says it again, but this time his hands have fallen down and crept behind his thighs. His whole posture is supplicant and it makes her even more sure of herself. "This isn't how I wanted it."
"I know." It's all she can give him.
"I could..." His voice is strained. "I could be anythin' you wanted..."
"No, Jayne." He has to understand. "I can't do that to you, not anymore."
Wash is the last one to enter the room, happily unaware of the tension he was about to break. They could all see the moment it hit him. The way his head twisted a little to the side as he looked at everyone, sized up the situation, then went to stand behind Zoe.
"Is it done?" Mal asked, his mouth drawn tight.
"Yeah." He frowned, puzzled. "We're set. Shouldn't take longer than a few hours to get there."
"We've changed course?" Inara sounded surprised. "Where are we going?"
"Nowhere I know." Wash answered. "I'm just the pilot. You wanna ask the Captain."
"This is what you want, isn't it?"Kaylee thinks it's the softness in his voice that will kill her. She'd waited for so long to hear him like this.
"Yes." She swallows. "Yes, Simon, it is."
"We're going to Salisbury." She whispered it.
Inara gasped beside her.
"Kaylee! No."
"Yeah." Jayne finally stood up and walked out of the room. "That's what she said."
"Sir?" Zoe glared. "You knew about this?"
"Girl made up her mind." Was the only answer Mal gave. "She knows what I think of it."
"I'm still not sure I understand." Book cut in.
"I'm going home." Kaylee told him. "I'm leaving Serenity."
THE END.
Random translation: Tai mu chuo xiu niu rou gan = Your mother sucks rotten beef sticks.
Please post a comment on this story.
Title: Didn't Mean Nothin'
Author: Jacqui [email] [website]
Details: Standalone | NC-17 | het | 113k | 03/22/06
Characters: Kaylee, Jayne, Simon
Pairings: Jayne/Kaylee, Kaylee/Simon, Jayle/Kayle/Simon, Angst/Jacqui.
Summary: It didn't mean nothin', , nothin' at all, never did.
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