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Title: SOMETHING FROM NOTHING.
Sequel of sorts to "Didn't Mean Nothin'.", but it's not vital to have read that fic at all. This stands alone fairly well. As long as you realize Kaylee left Serenity after an angsty Jayne/Kaylee/Simon triangle.
Rating: PG, but it has incredibly dark themes and maybe a naughty word or two.
Disclaimer: Most of these characters are Joss', I just like to pull 'em apart to see if I can put 'em back together again.
Feedback: I would so love you forever. wily_one24@yahoo.com.au
Comments: Please let the formatting work on this one. Italics and present tense are flashbacks.
Also, a friend emailed me a cartoon, which another friend made an icon from, that relates well to this fic. Visit my website to see it: http://www.freewebs.com/wily_one24/
"You alright, Sir?"
He looked up at Zoe's questioning eyes and sighed.
"Yeah." His hand pinched the bridge of his nose. "It ain't easy, is it?"
"No."
They watched the ramp close and Mal felt no joy in hitting the button that would seal the air lock. He could feel her next to him and knew what she was about to say, he didn't need to hear the words, he felt them in the way her hand came to rest on his arm.
"Wasn't your fault, Sir."
"Tell that to those folk out there with nothin' but a casket, Zoe." He gave it another moment then turned to face his ship. "He weren't supposed to be out on the job."
She didn't answer him and he didn't really expect her to.
"Mal?" Wash's voice buzzed over the com, loud and urgent. "Mal, you gotta come take a look at this!"
"Tian ni gu you xing guan xi yi jiao tang shu (sweet nuns having sexual relations with church mice)!" Mal stared, open mouthed. "What in the gorram hell is this?"
A black, pearly liquid like substance dangled from a pipe, taking its time to break free as one thick drop and splatter onto the floor, joining a growing pool of it.
"It used to be the engine room." Wash answered. "Before you hired..."
Wash's voice dropped off, his usual scorn for the now dead mechanic drying up on his lips. Habits died hard.
"I don't care what it used to be." He bit out. "What is it now?"
"Useless." River peered out from the machine, goggles covering her eyes. "He fixed, but he broke, and he patched and fixed and broke again."
"Don't want to piss on the parade here." Wash spoke up. "But there's no way any sane mechanic is gonna come onto this ship the way it is now."
"Sir." Zoe's calm voice was just behind him, as always. "You know what you have to do."
He bit his lip, chewing nervously on it as he waited for the connection to buzz through.
"Cap'n?" And there she was, god, how he'd missed that face. "Cap'n, that you? It's been a while since you checked in last."
"Kaylee?" It was instinct, that overwhelming sense of worry. "You been eating right? You've lost weight."
"I, uh..." He didn't like the way her eyes shifted. "Work's been harder to get, lately, is all. I eat what and when I can."
"Kinda why I'm callin', mei mei." Mal was ready, had been ready for a long time to beg. He was quite prepared to get on his knees and plead, offer anything he had and a lot of things he didn't. "We need you back."
She didn't even blink.
"All of you?"
"Yeah. All of us, we all want you back. There ain't no grudges here, Kaylee."
"Done."
Mal wasn't sure he was comforted by the speed with which she'd agreed.
"Just like that? You don't gotta check with your folks?"
Her face fell for a second, before she righted herself and met his eyes.
"They're gone. Town got hit by reavers some months back."
"Kaylee." He cursed the screen, for not allowing to reach through and comfort her. Cursed himself for obeying her wishes not to contact her unless they really needed it. "Why didn't...?"
"I got by." She insisted. "People're just startin' to come back through, now, so it's gettin' easier."
His eyes scanned the controls, taking in the read outs he already knew, had already memorized before he'd even moved to see her face again.
"We're comin' to get you now." The words sounded right in his mouth, more so than they had in a long while. "We should be there in about a day or so. We gotta clean out your old bunk, it's kinda free now."
"Mal?" For the first time in their conversation, her voice shook, trembled with uncertainty. "I'm only comin' back on two conditions."
"You got 'em." He didn't hesitate.
"I don't want the bunk." Her eyes haunted him and he found himself wanting her to smile. "I want the second shuttle. Just for now, 'til things are settled. I'll keep it runnin' good an' you can still take it on jobs."
"What's the second thing?" He was almost afraid to ask.
"Time." She shrugged. "Time and space to settle back in, without bein' swamped by everyone. I don't want no questions or fussin'."
"You got it." Good gorram, but she didn't come cheap. "That's all you want?"
Her lip trembled and he finally saw the Kaylee he used to know.
"I wanna come home."
"Whaddya mean especially us?"
"Sorry, am I speaking another language?" Mal stared Jayne down across the table. "I said we've got to give her space, that means all of us, and it sure as hell means you and Simon."
"So, what?" Jayne challenged back. "We can't even say we're glad she's back or nothin'? Talk to her friendly like?"
"Well, I'm sure Mal didn't mean..."
"Jayne knows what I mean, Inara." Mal didn't stop glaring at the mercenary. "Now you an' the doc have come to some sort of truce over the last two years..."
"Year an' a half." Jayne sulked, leaning back in his chair. "Ain't been that long."
"It's been longer than that." Mal took the bait.
"Wanna bet?" Jayne arched his brow. "You think you know better'n me?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Twenty months." Simon interrupted. "You're both wrong."
Everybody looked at Simon and Mal felt his jaw ache.
"As I was sayin', you two've come to some sort of truce or whatever. I don't want you doin' nothin' to mess with that. Do you both understand me?"
"Yes." Simon sighed.
"Yeah." Jayne mumbled as he used the nail of his right thumb to pick at the nail of his left one. "Loud an' clear. Why do you get to be so special, we all gotta keep our distance, but you don't?"
"Someone's got to pick her up, Jayne." He wondered about that himself. "She said it would be better not to land at all, just for me to take the shuttle down near the old shop and she'd meet me there. Town's a mite shaky on strange ships, she reckons."
"I don't like it." Zoe spoke up, finally. "Not wanting us to land. It sounds suspicious."
"'Course it does." Mal let his shoulders fall in defeat. "But it's Kaylee an' she needs us. I don't care if she asked me to walk down the street naked but for Christmas bells hangin' off my bits, I'd do it."
She nearly lost her resolve the moment she saw him. He didn't change, never, not once. Mal could get as tanned, as weathered, as scarred up as the years could make him, but he would never change.
The sight of him nearly burned her eyes, so she kept them on the shuttle instead, let her eyes take in the small, familiar details.
"Mei mei?" It felt so strange to have him stand next to her like that. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah..." Kaylee breathed in, let the dust of the planet settle in her lungs for the last time before she breathed it out. "Yeah, I'll load up, you just set the controls ready to take off."
"I can help..."
But she stopped him, waved him on with a flick of her wrist.
"I don't have much, Cap'n." She could feel her tongue spark up with just his name. "Won't take me but a few minutes."
There was something primal about that first step onto the shuttle. Kaylee felt it tingle from the soles of her feet, up around her calves and through every inch of her. Like something she'd been missing.
It felt like finally being able to relax.
Mal couldn't take the silence, the large, absent way she didn't chatter. They neared Serenity and he watched her face as they got closer, watched her eyes move over the ship as if she was cataloguing each and every mistake they'd made since she left.
"For someone sayin' they didn't have much..." He gestured through the curtain of the controls to the larger room beyond. "...that's a pretty big load you got there."
He didn't miss the way she turned to run her eyes over the bulk of it. It was eerily similar to the way she'd once looked at the ship.
"It's everything I have." She snapped out of it, then, looking back towards Serenity with a steely face. "We still got free run of the kitchen?"
"'Course." He smiled, relieved at the eager look that came over her face. "Though I expect you won't need it tonight. Zoe an' the Shepherd are cookin' up a feast for you. Kind of a welcome back thing."
"Oh." Her face paled. "I don't want..."
"I know, I know." He nodded. "You don't want no fuss and it won't be. Just dinner, like always. We're all mighty glad you're back."
If he had to describe the look on her face, he would have called it tortured.
"I guess, I mean... if we ate in the cargo bay, I could. Maybe. Near the shuttle."
"Kaylee?"
"Just 'til everyone's settled again, Cap'n." She did smile, then. It wasn't bright or big, but he believed it, believed that she trusted her own words. "It's all gonna work out, isn't it?"
"Yes, xiao mei mei." She was close enough to touch, to reach over and cup her neck the way he used to do, pull her towards him and maybe kiss her head or just rest his chin on it. But he didn't. "You're finally back an' we ain't gonna let you go so soon."
He settled for giving her a small, cocky grin and he was rewarded with a smile in return. Small, but real. And grateful.
"I need to speak with everyone." She said when they'd fallen to quiet again. "Just gimme a few minutes to get things right in here and then I have to make an announcement."
Mal felt his nervousness return.
Kaylee slipped out of the door quietly, closing it softly after her. The fingers of her left hand ran down the seam of it, the small sliver of air that separated her new life from her old one.
She closed her eyes and turned to face them.
It almost made her laugh, the way that eight people stood there in a line, trying to look casual, as if they weren't all desperate to talk at once. They were the same, but they'd changed. She could see it.
"Hey." Her feet found the grating easily as she climbed down the ladder. "Hey everyone."
Without looking, her hands found the rails. The ship tickled her skin and she couldn't help but smile at the thought it was rushing to welcome her back as well.
"Kaylee." Inara was the first to speak, a smile large on her face. "It's so good to see you."
"Good to have someone on board who knows what they're doing." Wash grinned.
"We missed you." Book nodded.
"Ya look good." Jayne frowned and glanced quickly at Mal. "In, you know, a real distant way."
She couldn't look at him too long. It hurt her in a way she hadn't been prepared for. His eyes, if only she'd been allowed to forget how blue his eyes were. Even the shape of his neck, the way small tendrils of his dark hair curled into the nape of it.
Kaylee dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands and looked away.
"Welcome back." Simon agreed.
"It's good to have family back." Zoe smiled.
River laughed and Kaylee felt her breath catch in her throat as she saw the girl looking back up at the shuttle.
"Home again." River smiled, dreamily. "Finally found a home."
Kaylee answered with a smile as River laughed again. The sound was a balm to her more than Mal had been, made her think, maybe, possibly, it could work.
"I ain't here to start anything again." She said. "Cap'n said engine needs work, I needed a job, that's it."
It took a great deal of courage to look up and meet both Jayne and Simon head on, but she managed it. She found nothing but warmth in their eyes. Relief surged through her. The one thing she couldn't take right at that moment would be the two of them. She only had room for one man in her life.
"Before you say anything, I got something I need to tell you all..."
But Kaylee didn't get to finish her announcement.
"Mama?" They all turned up to the open door of the shuttle and Kaylee's heart melted. "Ship gonna fly now?"
"Mama?"
He stood just inside the shuttle door, one hand steadying himself on the frame. Dark hair sat plastered against his scalp, stuck down with the sweat of sleep, his cheeks were rosy red and his eyes were wide.
Kaylee took the stairs two at a time.
"Hey sweetie." His pudgy little arms reached up just as she reached down and they both swung themselves into the practiced movement until he rested on her hip. "You awake already?"
She brushed the curls from his forehead and replaced them with her lips.
"Ship gonna fly?"
"Ship is flying, baby." She whispered it like the confirmation of a promise. "We're flying up, up and away."
"Uh... Kaylee?" Mal tapped his foot, she could hear it echo through the bay. "I believe you had an announcement? You can't leave us hanging like..."
"Mal!" Inara hissed and the sound of a hand hitting a shoulder could be heard.
A laugh bubbled out of Kaylee as she turned. She'd missed them, more than she thought possible. Missed them all. It was habit and nothing else that made her cradle his head to her shoulder, made her hold him that much closer, away from sight.
They were all watching her with varied expressions. Mostly surprise and shock and she couldn't blame them. Little fingers pressed into her back, small and hot, holding on as she began the long walk down.
"Everybody, this is James." She nudged her shoulder forward and he took the hint, turning to face them. "James, this is everybody."
Kaylee could feel it in him, in the way his legs and arms tightened around her, the way his fingers curled deeper into her shirt and how his body snapped tighter.
"You had a kid?" Mal asked, his eyebrows skyrocketing.
"He's certainly adorable." Inara added with a warm smile. "Not that he had a choice, with you as his mother."
It was River that stepped forward with a serious expression. She bent her head to look James in the face and offered him her hand.
"I'm River, but you can call me Ray until you get your V's." Kaylee breathed easier when he reached out to grab her fingers and River grinned in response. "Yes, thank you! I agree."
And then she moved away.
"Congratulations, Kaylee." Zoe's smile was warm and genuine.
"Hey, little man." Wash was next, stepping forward fast and it was sudden, the burrowing into her neck. "You like dinos? I have..."
"He's not too good with strangers." Kaylee explained as she struggled to hold him, the baby that climbed her body. "He just needs a little time to get used to you, is all."
Wash made a face.
"He liked River."
"Maybe it's your shirt." Zoe smiled innocently. "'Cause, frankly, that scares me a little, too."
"You've done a remarkable job." Book told her. "I can tell."
"Kaylee." She turned to look at River, holding out her arms. "He wants food. I'll take him."
"Oh, no." It was instinctive, the embarrassed little gush. "It's alright, I'll take him, he don't go to..."
To her surprise, James leaned forward out of her arms towards River. It was a physical flash that caught her somewhere between pride and loss. He was light as a feather, but the absence of his weight was noticeable. Her hand ran from the top of his spine down his back, just that last little touch before she let go.
"It's okay." River told her. "I know."
"Hey." Wash frowned. "I'm just as friendly as she is. Kids love me."
"Don't worry, baby." Zoe patted his shoulder and they both turned to follow the little group made by Book, River and the baby. "He'll warm up, Kaylee said."
"I'll be there soon!" Kaylee called after them.
"He's..." She couldn't do it, she couldn't look up at Jayne when he struggled to get the words out. "He's a fine lookin' boy."
Kaylee swallowed.
"He ain't yours, Jayne." She didn't want to see the look that passed over his face at her words, didn't want to know if it was relief or disappointment. She didn't think she could handle it either way. "His daddy is long gone an' he won't be back."
"Kaylee..." Mal reached out and she took a step back.
"His daddy is gone." She repeated, staring at the floor. "An' I don't need any of you sayin' anything about it 'round him, neither. Just let it be."
She didn't need to look up to see Jayne turn around and follow the rest of them out of the bay. It left the air a little easier to breathe.
"Kaylee." She did look up to see Simon blink, his face was still spread out in shock. "If you need anything, from a doctor I mean, just let me know."
"Thank you." There was something sad in his eyes and she knew what it was. She wondered if the others did, too, wondered how long it would be. "But we're fine, Simon, really."
"Right then."
Simon wiped his hands on the side pockets of his pants and smiled before walking away.
"Well that went smooth." Mal noted.
"Better'n I thought." Kaylee agreed with a wry tilt to her mouth.
"Good thing we have our very own doc on board." He grasped her shoulder, gave it a small squeeze and it was the most she could hope for. "I think the entire crew is workin' to give me a heart attack."
She couldn't disagree with him.
"Come on, Kaylee." Inara took her hand. "Let's go find your son."
Soft fingers closed in around hers and Kaylee looked down at them, surprised. She gave Inara's hand a squeeze, light and grateful.
"Yeah." It was soft. "I'd like that."
"There's something you're not telling us, isn't there?" Inara asked as they walked up the stairs.
"Yes." Kaylee couldn't lie to Inara.
"Will you tell us eventually?"
"Maybe."
Inara stopped and turned to look at her.
"Well, either way, I'm always available if you want to talk." Leaning forward, Inara wrapped her arms around Kaylee's shoulder's and pulled her in for an embrace. "I'm so glad you're back, mei mei, I missed you."
After a pause, Kaylee's hands came up and landed on Inara's back. It was warm and alien and familiar all at the same time. Her eyes closed, heavy, and she could feel exhaustion creep in.
The ship was a cacophony of sound, the daily life she'd forgotten, engines and gears and stabilizers always humming underneath the silence, her ears vibrated with it. But, sharp as a blade, she picked up the small whimper.
Quiet though it was.
"James."
She left Inara on the stairs and sped through to the mess.
"But these are plastic." River explained as she jiggled the triceratops. "They're incapable of harming you."
"River." Jayne growled from the corner couch where he had plunked himself and pretended not to watch them all. "You done just told that boy the damn things would rip his throat out for lunch."
"The real ones." She rushed to explain. "Not these. These are toys for the enjoyment of small children. And pilots."
"Thanks, River." Wash grinned as he hefted the tyrannosaurus and made a grumpy face. "See? Little man, he won't hurt you, look. Rrooowwrr!"
The dinosaur bit against River's neck and she giggled back before she could stop herself.
James' face crumpled, turning red as his lip quivered. Then he began to cry. Loudly.
"Husband." Zoe winced. "I don't know what you just did, but undo it. Undo it, now."
"I didn't do anything!" He exclaimed in frustration, turning on Zoe. "River started it!"
James screamed.
"Wash? Sit down." Kaylee came in, pushing past them all and grabbing her son. His forehead was hot and clammy as she kissed it, fingers brushing his hair back as she cradled his face against her shoulder. "It's okay, sweetie, it's okay. They was just playin'."
"Fine." Wash pouted, but sat down on a chair. "River does it and he just giggles, I do it and it's Armageddon. Kid hates me."
Kaylee ran her hands over the soft, round head. Her fingers knew the grooves of his skull. Her eyes warned Wash over James, fierce and protective, even as her voice was soft.
"Just playin'." The child's back hitched, rising in fits as he choked his tears down. "We're all fine."
Wash poked his tongue out at River.
"James' Pet."
"So?" Kaylee tried to smile. "You promised us food?"
Jayne flicked idly through the gun catalogue, his eyes glazed over the pages and he didn't see a single thing on it. Not that it mattered, he knew this one by heart, coulda told anyone that his own private collection was better'n anything they had to offer.
He'd been about to sharpen his knives when the kid had lost it and Kaylee had come in. When she'd shooed them all away and come to sit down near him, bouncing the kid on her knee, Jayne figured it'd be better to put the sharp things away.
The closest thing that wasn't a weapon had been the old catalogue and he kept thumbing through it to look like he wasn't watchin' the two of them out of the corner of his eyes. Secretly glad they was sittin' so close and the rest of them all just floating about and leaving them alone.
"So?" He saw the way she flinched at his voice. "What's wrong with 'im, anyway?"
"What?" He wondered if she knew her hand kept stroking the boy, wondered if she did it to calm him or herself. "I don't...?"
"Yeah, ya do." He kept his voice calm and didn't look up, didn't catch anyone else's attention. "Kid freaked out over a game, Kaylee."
Kaylee's eyes searched the room.
"He don't like loud noises, is all."
He wondered if this counted as giving her space in Mal's book. Probably not, but he could give a ruttin' damn right now.
"That ain't it an' you know it. River was louder before you got here an' he didn't even yawn."
"Fine."
The boy was sittin' in her lap, a half chewed, soggy biscuit clutched in his fist as he gnawed at it. His sharp eyes kept watching the large room, kept watching the people in it. He didn't even react when Kaylee's hands came around him and squeezed, didn't bat an eye lid when she rested her cheek on the top of his head.
Kaylee looked at him and Jayne felt it hit right deep in the middle of his chest. Her face was pale, drawn out and weary, an' that was if he was bein' kind enough not to mention the fear that hid just underneath. Mal had been right, she'd lost more weight than he was comfortable thinkin' about, but it was her. And she was still beautiful.
"He don't like loud noises when they come from men, is that what you wanted to hear?"
Jayne's teeth ground inside his jaw. No. It weren't anywhere near what he wanted to hear. He breathed through his nostrils and kept a lid on the red that threatened to bubble up behind his eyes.
"Just askin', is all."
It looked like a large trunk, like any other bit of luggage that she'd stowed in the shuttle, but when Kaylee opened the lid, it was a trundle bed. Full of blankets and pillows and everything soft.
"Here ya go, baby."
He fell from her arms and blinked up at her, sleepy and drowsed.
"Renity?"
"Oh." Kaylee quickly scanned the bed and its surroundings, her hand skimmed the mattress and felt underneath the pillow. "Here she is."
His tiny fingers curled around the small, wooden carving she handed him. It was crude and clumsy, lumpy in all the wrong places, and the best she'd been able to do from memory. He loved it and so did she. Her eyes followed the familiar arc of it above the boy's head.
"Ship gonna fly."
"Yes." She held her breath as she wiped his brow again. "Just like I said, ship's gonna fly."
He yawned.
"An' nice people?"
"Yes." Kaylee couldn't stop kissing his face, his beautiful, beautiful face. "With the very nice people."
"An' sleep?"
"Yes." She laughed and kissed him once more, finishing their routine. "And go to sleep."
Kaylee woke up with a start, her heart pounding as she scrambled back and pushed herself up to a sitting position. It took her a second to remember, to recognize the shuttle.
She'd fallen asleep on the floor next to James.
Her eyes sought him out in the near dark and her ears pricked for the sound of air being pulled, noisily, through his nose. He was going to snore when he got older, she knew it. Just like his father.
For the first time in a long time, the thought made her happy.
"C'mon." He was a dead weight when he slept and she concentrated on that to stop her hands shaking. "You come keep me company."
She carried him over to the bed and snuggled down into the blankets with him. His head smelled clean as she ran her fingers through his hair. Thick, dark curls that tangled as she stretched them out and let them spring back. She hadn't had the heart to cut them herself.
"Kaylee? What in the gorram hell is that?"
She looked up to see Mal standing at the edge of the corridor with Inara. He was frowning and Kaylee had the sneakiest suspicion it was because of the drilling so early in the morning.
She'd forgotten how much of a grump he could be.
"It's a work bench, Cap'n."
"I can see..." He pinched the bridge of his nose and breathed in. "Ain't it a little small?"
"I think it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen." Inara grinned. "Mal, look at it."
"I am lookin' at it and I'm wonderin' why, in all seven levels of hell, you're sittin' there fixin' up toys when the engine ain't holdin' together."
Kaylee stood up and made sure she didn't flinch as she set her face.
"I don't work without my son. I don't take my son into open engine rooms and let him wander. He needs somewhere safe here before I even begin with the mess your man left behind."
"Kaylee." He immediately backtracked. "I didn't..."
"Engine's holdin' fine, Cap'n." She didn't blink. "Last thing I don't ever do is put my son in danger, that includes flying in a ship ready to blow. Which this ain't, I already checked."
As he stepped toward her, Kaylee only hoped he couldn't see how much she was shaking.
"I'm a fool, mei mei." Like she could ever deny that man anything. "You know that, I don't ever think before I speak."
"You gotta understand, Cap'n." Damn it, her chin was trembling. "There ain't nothin' more important to me than that boy. Not me, not his daddy, not you, not this ship and certainly not a... a gorram job. I will... if I gotta... I'll..."
"Kaylee." She couldn't remember when he'd gotten so close, or when his arms had reached out to her, but she found herself buried in his chest. "Oh, Kaylee, what the hell happened out there?"
"Mal, don't push her." She could feel Inara behind her, felt the hand that ran through her hair. "Kaylee, mei mei, it's alright. You're okay now, both of you."
Kaylee didn't cry. Kaylee never cried. She didn't know that weak person in Mal's arms, the alien being whose sobs choked on the way out and whose hands gripped the front of his shirt.
He found River and the boy in the cargo bay.
"James." She held up the triceratops again.
"River, what are you doin'?"
"Expanding his vocabulary. There are very few formative years left." The dinosaur jiggled in mid air. "James."
Jayne huffed as he sat on the nearby weight bench.
"But he already knows his own name."
"I know that." River said through clenched teeth. He couldn't help interrupting her teaching session, sometimes she was an easy mark, just like her brother. "He doesn't know ours. Now let me finish."
"Hey, I didn't do nothin'."
She didn't respond to him and instead waggled the toy for a last time.
"James." She pleaded.
In front of her, sitting on a blanket spread out on the cargo bay floor, James studied her face with a serious expression. His eyebrows crinkled together and his eyes swam between her and the dinosaur in her hand.
"James." He answered.
"Yes!"
She grinned and dipped the toy down, tickling him with it. He had a bright, gurgling laugh that hiccupped throughout the bay. Jayne watched the same joy spread over River's face. He could tell she loved the kid, could tell that bein' with him made her feel better.
"Okay now." She sat back, making her face serious again as she pointed to herself. "Ray."
"I want." His hand reached out to grab the dino and she pulled it out of his reach.
"Me too, but you say my name first." She pointed to herself again. "Ray."
To Jayne's ever lovin' glee, the kid pouted.
"Ray Ray."
"Nearly." She coaxed. "Just Ray. Once. Ray."
"Ray Ray."
Jayne chuckled, couldn't help it.
"You're not helping." She threw at him.
"Whatever." He sneered. "Ray Ray."
"Fine." River pointed over to the bench and grinned at the baby. "Jayne."
The kid frowned again and he could feel see the confusion waft over him, saw him struggle to make the connection River so obviously wanted him to make.
"James."
"No, sweetie." There was a hint of frustration in her voice as River picked him up, settled him in her lap and guided his hand to point over to the bench. "Jayne. Nnn."
The kid pulled his hand out of hers and brought it back to his own face, his finger pulling his bottom lip down.
"James."
"Aw, hell, girl." Jayne sighed as he sank down off the bench and onto the floor next to them. "It don't matter much what he wants to call me."
Big, blue eyes studied little ones as they faced off.
"What do ya reckon, kid?" He stretched his arms out to the side. "Huh? Whaddya think?"
"Big." James answered seriously.
Jayne watched River's shoulders tremble as she tried to hold in her giggles. It didn't work, they spilled up and out of her. Her head fell forward and her hair tumbled after.
"Well ya ain't wrong."
He grinned and took a chance.
The boy was small in his hands as he lifted him up and out of the tangles of long, brown hair. Slowly and softly, he gave the kid every chance to protest. None came. Jayne's arms shook as he held the boy in front of his face. His own large fingers wrapped nearly all the way around the little body.
Small fingers reached out and touched his nose.
"Ray Ray's laughing."
"Yeah." He breathed out with relief. "She is at that."
It was crowded, so very crowded at lunch. Kaylee tried not to notice it, hated noticing it. She'd never noticed before how so many people made so much noise in a small space like the mess.
Mal sat at the head of the table, as always, and she tried not to remember the last time she'd been there. Next to him sat Inara and there was nothing new in that, they'd always sat together, but as wrapped up in her own world as she had been, Kaylee could see that there was something different between them. They didn't fight as much and they didn't walk alone.
Zoe sat on Mal's other side, with Wash next to her. Kaylee found them comforting, knowing that they hadn't changed, that they still cared so much. She found it endearing, the lengths Wash was going to, trying to win James over. And she hoped Zoe would take notice.
Simon kept to himself and she couldn't figure if he'd gotten that way after she'd left or if he was just giving her the space she'd asked for. He was still there, she felt it, felt his quite support and understanding and was grateful. Book sat at the other end of the table, pragmatic as ever, with his kind voice and kinder eyes.
Which left Jayne and River and she couldn't quite remember how she come to sit between them. It had just happened. All she knew was that she'd tried to avoid sitting too close to Mal. It wasn't personal, she just wanted to distance herself from earlier.
River was a godsend, it surprised her how well James had taken to her, but it shouldn't have. She'd been able to set up his little work bench just out the door of the engine room that morning without worrying too much about where he was.
Jayne, for his part, didn't say much to her at all, but she hadn't expected him to. He didn't even look much at her, not that she could see, but he was watching them. She could feel it. It surprised her when he reached over and grabbed the bread basket, bringing it to her just before she'd been about to ask.
She bounced James on her knee, one arm wrapped around his middle as she ate with her other. There was no doubt about it, she was glad to be back where there was real food and plenty of it. Even if she could hear the way they'd all once complained about the never ending protein.
One thing she'd noticed was that no one had made any comments about the lack of choice after she'd eaten third helpings the night before, one after the other, without stopping. She hadn't been able to stop herself, ravenous and relaxed in front of a full table didn't allow her much self control.
Of course, she'd paid for it after, her belly knotting in a hard lump, closing in on itself and grinding, but she didn't think any of them needed to know that. She was just more sensible with it today.
A small whimper brought her out of her reverie in time to see the bread roll James had been gnawing on hit her plate and roll off towards the middle of the table.
"Hang on, sweetie, I'll..."
"Here ya go."
Before she could even put down her own food, Jayne had grabbed it and held it out. Kaylee waited for something, anything. It stunned her when all James did was break out in a grin and take it back.
She blinked and found herself leaning forward, whispering automatically into the small ear.
"What do you say?"
"Ta."
"No problem, kid." Jayne nodded. "I got your back."
"Did you see that?" Wash asked. "He likes Jayne now! Does he like everyone else, too? Am I the only one?"
"He ain't taken to me, either." Mal grumbled.
"Well." Inara nudged him gently. "Maybe if you stopped growling orders for longer than five minutes at a time..."
Kaylee kissed the top of her baby's head, her brain couldn't concentrate, kept replaying the last minute over and over.
"He will."
"Wash?" Jayne stormed onto the bridge. "You turn this boat around, dong ma?"
"Wash?" Mal stood up from the copilot's chair and faced Jayne, his voice carried behind him. "Don't even think about it."
"Mal." Jayne was nearly past caring that his voice sounded like it was pleading.
"I know what you want, Jayne." Mal's voice was steady and his eyes stayed still, forced him to meet them. "And we ain't going back. Not now."
"Maybe you ain't, but I am." Kaylee and the kid weren't anywhere near them and Jayne finally allowed the anger of it, the frustration rise up and bubble in his fists. "I'll take Inara's gorram shuttle if you don't..."
"You won't do a gorram thing, do you hear me?" His voice was steely, but the look in Mal's eyes was nothing but gentle. "She ain't ready. I don't know what happened and I don't even think she knows, but she ain't ready for what you're plannin'."
"I gotta do something." He could feel himself weaken. "Mal, I gotta..."
"You ain't gotta do nothin' but what you are doin', what we're all doin'." Mal placed his hands on Jayne's shoulders and lead him to the now empty copilot's chair. "An' that's just letting her be, letting her get back to normal with us."
"I wanna hurt someone real bad." Jayne may have been sitting down, but he wasn't calming down. "And if I ever..."
"I know." But Jayne didn't think he did, didn't think Mal got the real truth of it yet. "Now you sit there and don't you leave until you're calm again. Wash? You help calm him down."
"Me?" Wash squeaked. "What the hell can I do?"
"I don't know. Anything." Mal made a face. "Show him shadow puppets if you have to. I got stuff to do."
"Did you make these?" Inara's face lit up as she examined the small wooden tools. "They're just gorgeous."
"Me?" Kaylee squeaked as she bounced James on her hip. "Oh, no. I do machines, I don't do carving. I only ever did one, back when I was too big to do nothin' but sit, and it ain't pretty to look at. My daddy made these for him and the bench, too."
"It's an ingenious little set up, I must say."
"Yeah." She couldn't keep the sad, wistful note out of her voice. Three months was too short a time. "James loves it, he sits in there when I work. We work together, mostly, he can stay there for hours if we need it."
Her face paled.
"Not that I let him." She hurried to say. "Not often. Really. There just wasn't anything else to do with him when I had to work."
"I wasn't saying anything, mei mei." Inara smiled. "I can't imagine it was easy for you and I admire how well you've done."
"Yeah." Shrugging it off, Kaylee quickly sat James in his special seat. "We got by, didn't we, sweetie? We've got a routine down pat."
"Judging by the success of this morning, you do realize River would be more than happy to watch him sometimes?" She noticed Inara kept her voice simple. "And I would adore nothing more than spending time with him if you need a break."
"Wouldn't work." Kaylee screwed up her nose. "He don't take well to being apart for long. Small bit, yeah, but he grows real restless. Besides..."
She grinned a little, found the humor in it.
"River was more'n happy to have him until he started to get on the nose, then she brought him up quick enough for me to change him. It'll just be easier if he's here, then I can watch 'im and not worry when I work."
"If that's what you..."
Kaylee interrupted.
"Here, watch this."
She picked up her tool box and the boy grinned.
"What should we start with? How 'bout a wrench?"
"Wrench!"
Inara laughed as James quickly picked up the wooden wrench and held it up. His face glowed.
"Wait, no, what about a spanner?"
Again, he picked out the right tool and held it up. It was obvious he was playing for an audience as he watched Inara laugh again.
"'Panner!"
"Oh, you're the sweetest thing alive." Inara gushed. "There's absolutely no doubt you're your mother's son."
Kaylee grinned. She couldn't help it. There was nothing but pure joy and pride in hearing her son being praised.
"Inara?" There was a tinge of disappointment she couldn't explain as they turned to see Mal peering at them. "Can I talk to you a minute?"
"Of course." Inara gathered her shawl around her shoulders and then placed a soft, transitory hand on Kaylee's shoulder. "If you need me I won't be far."
It was selfish, she knew it, feeling resentful that he'd taken Inara away. They'd been laughing and she missed that, missed having someone to talk with. A smile hovered over her lips as she thought about asking Inara all the old questions about her clients. That old familiar yearning to share the romance, even if she couldn't be part of it herself.
"Guess it's you and me, James." She grinned. "You ready to get to work?"
"'Panner?"
"Might as well." She sighed and looked into the engine room. "I get the feeling we'll be using all of them today."
Jayne stared out into the black as they sat in silence. He wasn't going anywhere, wasn't about to get in the way of anyone when he was like this. That wasn't how it was done. Mal was right, he had to be calm before he left this room.
"Jayne?" Wash finally asked. "How'd you do it?"
"Huh?" He rolled his neck to look over. "Do what?"
"Get James to like you."
Jayne smiled.
"You're too eager, little man. You gotta back off." He could see the confusion, the little frown in the middle of Wash's forehead and the tilt of his head. "He won't be won over with jokes and shiny toys."
"That's all I have." Wash pleaded.
"Kid like that? You gotta make 'em comfortable first." A pause. "You make him nervous, you're gonna make Kaylee nervous. You make Kaylee nervous and that kid ain't ever gonna trust you."
"But..."
"Don't rush at him. Don't speak loudly to Zo' like you were or pretendin' to attack River. You just sit by whenever he's sitting quiet like with his ma, or even River, you let him see that they're comfortable with you first, he'll warm up."
"Jayne?" Wash looked down to the console before looking up. "A reaver attack doesn't do that."
"Yeah." Jayne's fingers curled around the arm of the chair as he looked out into the stars, he could feel the tendons around his knuckles stretch tight. "Don't I know it."
Kaylee felt her eyes droop as she placed the socket wrench in the tool box. She'd been unprepared for how drained she was going to feel, how utterly exhausting changing her routine would be.
She couldn't quite understand the carelessness of a man who would let the engine go to ruin like that. Couldn't quite understand how Mal would put up with it. Serenity was a beautiful ship and she deserved better.
"How you doin', sweetie?"
James looked up at her when she popped her head around the corner. His voice had kept her going, she loved his chatter, even if it didn't mean anything. She couldn't add up all the time she'd wasted sitting still to see if she could decipher any of it. Most of it was nonsense, jumbled sounds that were almost words.
"Yawn." He pointed at her.
"Yeah." She stretched her jaw. "I did, but I ain't sleepy. Not really."
Kaylee sat next to his table and watched him, his busy little hands. Her back rested against the wall and she felt her shoulders grow heavy. It couldn't hurt to sit down for a few minutes.
He walked down the corridor, heading to get a bite to eat when he heard it. Kid was mumblin' to himself, his voice high and soft. Jayne hadn't heard him sound like that before, all comfortable, like he was having a real conversation with someone.
Course, when he peeked 'round the corner, James was sitting in that damned table, playing with some wooden toys and mumbling things to himself that weren't real words. Least ways, not words Jayne had heard before.
Kaylee was lyin' on the ground next to him and even Jayne could see she was asleep. He walked softly, slowly towards them.
"Hey kid." James eyed him warily. "What's up?"
Jayne squatted down, rested his wrists on his knees and pretended to look bored.
"Mama's sleepin'."
"Yeah, I see that." A nod. "You think we should move her?"
The little face went wide.
"Mama's workin', stay put." He frowned. "Mama's sleepin, stay put."
"They's good rules." Jayne ran a thoughtful thumb over the bristle on his chin. "Your ma ever let you sleep on the floor like that? Where it's cold and uncomfortable?"
He watched the boy turn to look down at Kaylee and frown, then turn back and shake his head slowly.
"You want your ma sleepin' down there?"
James looked down again and frowned even more.
"Tell you what, we'll make a deal. How 'bout you scramble on up my back, hold on 'round my neck and you can watch over everything from up there? I'll carry your ma." Jayne winked. "Hell, tell you what, you think I ain't gettin' it right, you can even kick me. How's that?"
It was too ruttin' damn cute, the way the kid's brow wrinkled up like that, as if he was makin' the most serious decision of his life. He held his breath until he got a small nod as an answer.
"Come on then."
Jayne lifted him out of the bench and stayed still as he climbed up, digging small shoes into the back of his kidneys. Small hands loosely gripped him 'round the neck.
"Well, that ain't gonna do. It's a long way up." Jayne carefully took hold of the hands and wrapped them tighter, steeling his throat against the grip. "Yeah, that's better."
Only then did he turn and look at Kaylee curled up on the floor. Her face was evened out in sleep, he hadn't even realized how tense she'd been, how ever alert she'd kept herself until he saw her there.
His hands slid underneath her shoulders and her knees, gently pulling her up and taking her weight. Whatever there was left of it. He'd carried Kaylee before and in his memory, she weren't ever as light as this.
It wasn't easy going, keepin' steady with Kaylee in his arms while a kid was hanging off his neck, but Jayne managed it. Kept them all from falling in a heap as they made their way down the small staircase and into the common area.
It would have been closer and probably easier to take her into the mess, but that was too crowded, people goin' by all over the place". At least down there, she could sleep on the couches while he kept the kid busy in the cargo bay. And the kid could still keep an eye on her.
When he lowered her down, her hand trailed over his shoulder and down his arm and Jayne closed his eyes for just a second. He shifted the muscles of his back, twisted them 'round so James could slide right off.
"Hang on a sec."
There was a blanket thrown over the back of the couch and Jayne pulled it down, covered her with it, and gently tucked it up around her shoulders. There was a mumbling sound in the back of her throat.
For his part, the kid stood next to the couch, watching every move Jayne made intently as his hand came out and touched his mother's cheek.
"Ship gonna fly."
"Yeah, kid." Jayne sighed. "Your momma makes the ship fly real good."
"An' nice people?"
"If you say so."
He watched as the boy leaned over and kissed the top of her head.
"An' sleep, Mama."
-Shh. Come on, it's okay, shh.- She brushes the hair off his forehead, runs her hands over the side of his face, her voice is whispering. And pleading. -Shush, James, it's okay.-
He's digging his hands, claw like, into her sides, and she's got him wrapped under her clothes. Holding him tight, holding him like the lifeline he is. Her fingers press his lips together, slide against her own sweat slick on his face.
-Hey.- She jumps when there's a voice near her, his breath rank and rotten. -You keep that brat quiet, you hear me?-
Kaylee nods, eyes wide.
-You shut him up.- He shoves something at her side and waits until her free hand closes over it. -Or I will shut him up for you, do you understand?-
She keeps nodding, closing her eyes so she can't see anything. It doesn't help. There are still screams on the outside, the horrible, tearing sound of flesh and terror.
-This ain't a game, little girl.- They're only whispers, but they feel like they're going to scald the skin right off her neck. -Those're reavers out there, you know it? They find us an' we're all dead, baby or not.-
Dead. Kaylee's hand presses the cloth over James' mouth. Dead, just like her daddy who pushed them into this vault and then turned back to fight. James struggles for several long, excruciating seconds. Dead, just like her momma who was stayin' at home and too far to go back for.
Her heart stops the second James does.
He's limp against her. His small, impossibly tiny body hanging loose in her hands. Her nostrils twitch with the acrid scent of chloroform, but she doesn't think that's why the tears stream down her face.
-Happy birthday, baby.-
"James?" Kaylee jerked straight up, hands patting herself down to check for him, before her head swung wildly and her eyes blindly scanned the room, searching for movement, some tiny little body somewhere. "James?"
"Kaylee, it's alright." Inara rushed over. "He's fine, I promise. You were just sleeping."
"But..." She forced herself to breathe, the common room coming into focus around her. "But... I..."
There was a blanket twisted around her, stilling her, making her skin itch. She tugged on it, needed to get it off her, away from her, needed to move. A hand came out to brush the hair out of her eyes and Kaylee pulled back sharply, threw herself backwards to escape it and her head hit the wall.
Inara blinked in surprise, but covered it quickly.
"You have to come and look at this, mei mei." Inara smiled calmly. "It's too adorable for words."
Kaylee stood up, dropped the blanket on the couch and walked over to the cargo bay. Her legs shook like jelly as she stood next to Inara. The two of them peered around the door and Kaylee stopped still. It hit her deep low in the belly, like a twisting of her womb.
"Oh, Inara." She couldn't find the right words. "Oh, just look."
There, in front of her, Jayne lay back on the weight bench, hefting a large iron bar with both weights removed, his legs were steady on either side and his arms bulged as he lifted. Lower on his chest, spread out over his abdomen, lay James on his back.
Lifting a wooden broom handle.
"They're so sweet together, aren't they?"
Her knees gave way and she felt herself sliding to the floor.
"Kaylee?" Inara knelt down next to her. "Are you alright, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." It came like a sigh. "Oh, nothin', not no more."
"But...?"
She leaned around the doorframe to catch another glimpse of them.
"Oh, 'Nara, it's so good." She took a breath and looked back into confused brown eyes. "A boy oughtta get along with his daddy."
"Kaylee!" There was a pause. "Kaywinnit Lee Frye!"
Sometime later, Kaylee found herself sitting at the common room table as Inara poured tea with trembling hands. She frowned as she watched them, Inara was always so perfect, so pristine in her rituals.
"You ain't surprised, Inara, you can't say you are. I know you can count."
"Well, no." It was the first thing Inara had said since she'd helped Kaylee up off the floor. "I can't say I wasn't expecting that. What I am surprised about is that you would lie so blatantly, you stood right there and told him outright that James wasn't his. And you've been lying ever since."
"I had to."
"Don't you think you're being awfully unfair? To Jayne and to James?"
"Fair?" It rose bitter in her throat. "There ain't nothin' fair about any of this, Inara, nothing at all."
"No, I don't suppose there is." She could see the disproval in Inara's face. It surprised her that it didn't hurt, surprised her that it didn't even hurt not to hurt. "But you have a responsibility, at the very least, to Jayne."
"It ain't about Jayne. And it ain't about me, either." There wasn't any other way she knew how to explain it. "Everything I do is about my son, Inara, this is all for him."
"Well, then, wouldn't it make sense...?"
"To what? You've seen him." It was hard, sometimes, not to slip right into defensiveness. "Inara, he can't even hear Wash laugh without bursting into tears. Wash! The man plays with plastic toys, Inara, he don't scare anyone."
She waited for Inara to interrupt, but that didn't happen.
"What do you think would've happened? I come back on board, hand Jayne a baby and say 'here's the boy I been keepin' from you for near on two years. How've you been keeping? Just dandy, me too'."
It came out, like releasing infection from a wound.
"I couldn't do that. I couldn't let the first thing James see in him, be Jayne yellin' at me. Or takin' his anger out by punchin' the wall or whatever else was close. He never woulda gone near Jayne again."
"I understand that, I do." Inara paused. "But don't you think you're underestimating Jayne a little?"
"I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it, Inara." The tea was warm in her hands. "An' it might hurt Jayne, I know it's probably gonna hurt me, but I couldn't risk messing it up for my son. I already did that plenty."
"You do realize that Jayne most likely assumes you were with someone straight after you left? Simon too. The timeline..."
Kaylee shrugged.
"The timeline don't work any other way, 'Nara, hell, even Simon knows that. I think he does, anyway. I couldn't've been any more'n three months when I left, though I didn't know it, 'cause that's all that me an'... well, anyway..."
Thinking back that far brought back memories she'd tried hard to bury.
"I had James not five months after I'd been planet side, he was early. Doc said he was real tiny, but he's caught up now. Fact is, he's mighty smart for bein' fifteen months."
There it was again, she couldn't help it, that spark of pride that welled up in her voice whenever she spoke of him.
"And hell." She sighed again. "Jayne can think what he likes about me, he can accuse me of sleepin' with the whole gorram 'Verse, as long as he treats our son the way he is now."
Our son. The words should have stuck in her throat, they didn't.
"I still don't know..."
"You look at them, Inara." She pointed back into the bay. "You look at Jayne with his son and you tell me I done wrong."
"Aw, hell kid." Jayne wrapped one arm around James and anchored him down as he sat up, bringing the two of them upright. "I think that's enough."
"Buildin' muscles?"
"Yeah." He laughed as he picked the boy up and spun him around so they were face to face. "Big, strong ones. Like me."
They were bright, clear eyes, those little ones that stared back at him.
"I don't care what your mama says, kid, she's gotta have her reasons." Jayne leaned forward, nudged the small brow with his own. "That right there is your granddaddy Cobb's nose. There ain't no mistakin' that."
Tiny little footsteps ran up to her, she loved hearing them echo up off the ship floor. It sounded right, so very right. It looked right, too, seeing his face flushed red with excitement.
"Mama!" James ran right up to her. "Mama, Grandpa comin' back?"
Her throat closed up and she took his hands in hers.
"What?" Kaylee spared a puzzled glance up to see Jayne in the door before looking back down. "No, sweetie, no. We talked about that, remember?"
It hurt, seeing the light in his eyes dim that little bit.
"Grandpa?"
"Grandpa's gone, sweetie." She'd thought, at some point, that the words might have gotten easier over time. They didn't. No matter how many times she said them. "He's gone."
James' bottom lip pouted.
"Grandpa gone bye bye? With Nanna?"
"Yes." She kissed his forehead. "They're gone and they ain't comin' back."
He fit against her so easily, shapeless little barrel torso pulled up against hers as she wrapped her arms around his waist. His chin rested in the hollow of her neck and she felt his hot breath puff out over her skin.
When she was sure James couldn't see her face anymore, Kaylee looked up at Jayne. Anger wasn't high up in the list of things she did well, but by the look on Jayne's face, she'd gotten her expression to say exactly what she was feeling.
"What did you say to him?"
"Oh, Kaylee." He held up his hands. "I didn't say nothin'."
'Kaylee?" Inara leaned forward. "Why don't I take him for now?"
Her hand cupped the back of James' head as she stood up, her other hand holding him just below his backside. She could feel him tense against her, felt him shuffle to look at her face and she tried to make it calm.
"Kaylee?" Inara stood up, somewhere in the back of her mind she was aware of it. "Kaylee, why don't you give him to me? He doesn't need to be here for this."
She forced her limbs to remain pliant as she felt Inara's hands slip between her body and James, forced herself to let him go even as his hands twisted in her hair and his legs clung to her.
"Mama?"
"It's okay." Kaylee smiled, she wasn't sure how, as she untangled herself from him. "Mama's gonna be fine. You go with Inara, now, okay?"
It felt strange that she could stand there and not take her eyes away from Jayne, not look away from him once, and still follow every movement, every step that Inara took, carrying her struggling son.
She waited until they were gone.
"What did you say, Jayne?"
He just about broke her heart when his face went pale and wide, when his eyes wouldn't meet hers and his brows rose high. He was about to deny it, about to deny knowing what she was talking about.
She knew that guilty face, the face that screamed he was about to try and plead his way out of trouble. She knew it well.
"I didn't say nothin', Kaylee, I swear it."
"You tellin' me he just got excited all by himself about his dead grandpa comin' back? Is that what you're sayin'?" Her hand came up and she pressed her fingers to her forehead. "I swear to god, Jayne, it was hard enough the first time, tryin' to explain to him why they weren't comin' back. I don't need it again."
"Well. Long as you get what you need, ain't that right? Damn everyone else, just like always, huh?"
She flinched at the tone in his voice.
"I deserved that."
If she'd been looking, she might have seen the flash that came over his eyes.
"Dammit, Kaylee, that ain't..."
"I deserve whatever you've got." She did look at him then, looked him right in the eye. "But that boy don't. I told you when we first came on board not to go sayin' stuff about..."
"You're so worried about what I said?" He came a step closer and she could see him straining. "Maybe you should worry 'bout what I didn't say."
"Jayne..." But he wasn't stopping and Kaylee held her ground.
"I didn't say, kid, your momma ran away an' left everybody who cared about her, 'cause she couldn't handle things when they got hard. I didn't say, kid, your momma's been lying since she got here."
"Jayne." She made to touch his arm, but he pulled it out of her reach and the movement made her step back. "Jayne, please."
"Ya know what I didn't say most of all? Kaylee? Ya wanna know what someone needs to say to that boy?"
She shook her head, as if she could stop him saying it out loud.
"Kid, that woman you been clingin' to, the one that tucks ya in at night? She ain't your real ma, she ain't nowhere near it." The words hit her like a slap in the face. "'Cause your real ma, wherever she is, she don't lie, she don't run away, she laughs a whole lot and smiles a lot more. Your real ma wouldn't stand for half the stuff this woman does."
Kaylee felt all her energy leave, felt it all just drain away.
"Your ma, she wouldn't jump at her own shadow and she wouldn't look people in the eye and tell them her baby's daddy ain't really his daddy."
The air sucked into her lungs, loud and sudden.
"No." All the words she'd used to explain it to Inara, they all left her and she couldn't think of anything to say. "Jayne, no, that ain't it. I didn't..."
"You didn't...?"
Kaylee didn't move fast enough.
His hand caught her forearm and turned it over, his other hand pushed the sleeves of her coveralls up and she felt his fingers pressing into the flesh there even as she tried to pull away.
"Jayne!" He didn't let her go, just threaded her body through his grip like she was nothing until he could feel over her other arm. "What are you doing?"
"Looking." It was said firmly, matter of fact, like she'd just asked him what day of the week it was. "I'm looking."
"For what?"
Although she had a pretty good idea as she stopped trying to twist away from him, just stood still as he pulled the collar of her shirt aside and ran his eyes over her neck, pulled the back of her shirt up and ran his fingers over the bones of her ribs and spine.
"Jayne?" Her voice was flat. "What are you lookin' to find?"
"Something." He gritted out. "I wanna see what makes that boy jumpy round men, what makes you jump every time someone speaks loud. I wanna see what he did to you."
"Jayne." She said it softly. "You ain't gonna find anything. There's no 'he', there's never been a 'he', not like that."
His hands stilled on her lower back and she slowly lifted her head, turning around to look up at him. It caught her unawares, being so close to him after so long. Her hands came up to sit over his as they rested on her hips.
"But...?" His face scrunched into itself.
"You think I'd do that?" That, perhaps, was what hurt the most. "You really think I'd let someone do that to me?"
He let go, pulled free of her touch and stepped back.
"Better women than you have, Kaylee. They just sit back and don't do nothin' as their bodies are broken and their minds're torn down, they don't..."
She wanted to touch him again, reach out and take his hands, but he was coiled, ready to strike and she wondered who he was speaking about if it wasn't her.
"I didn't."
Two simple words, but the truth of them was bitter.
"I don't believe you." He looked her right in the eyes as he said it. "You been lyin' about everything, Kaylee, an' I got eyes to see. You give me one good reason I should believe what you're sayin'."
"You want a reason?" Perhaps it would have been easier to let him believe what he wanted, he didn't know what he was asking, didn't know how much it hurt. "You believe I'd let that happen to me? Then I'll give you a reason, Jayne. Our son is a reason. James is your gorram reason! There's no way in the 'Verse I'd let someone near him that was..."
Was what? She tried not to ask herself. Obnoxious and mean? Spiteful and cruel, someone who took pleasure in the pain of others? Someone whose very voice still sent her nerves screaming when she heard it in her dreams?
"Then why?" He demanded. "Why is he like that, Kaylee? If there weren't no one hurt you..."
She saw the way his face darkened, saw it boil up in him and was truly scared for a second.
"No." She said it clearly. "No, Jayne. No one hurt me and I swear to whatever gods are listening, no one hurt him. I promise you that. I never let anyone near him. Tell me you heard that."
"I hear ya, I do, but..."
"Look at him, Jayne." He had to believe her, or he was gonna do something stupid, she knew. "Just look at the both of us, really look, and you gotta see that we got out of there alive. Me an' James both, we got out."
Jayne looked at her without blinking.
"Got out of where, Kaylee? That's the big question, ain't it? What were you gettin' away from?"
Her knees ache. She's been leaning against the wall for what seems like days now, but it's still dark, the sun hasn't come back up, so it can't have been more than twelve hours. It's just too cramped in here.
Everyone's ears are pricked, listening hard for any sound from outside.
-He yours is he?-
Kaylee breathes out through her mouth and she clings the still form to her belly, rubbing warmth into his limbs. He's not far from waking up, she knows, she's felt the odd twitch now and then.
-Pity.- Comes the voice again, quiet, barely there, a whisper in her ear. -Takin' you outta action for so many months.-
All the screaming, the ripping sounds of struggle and terror have stopped. At least, in theory. Kaylee doesn't think she'll ever get them out of her head. She's just glad James was out for the worst of it.
-You leave her alone.- Comes the slight hiss around her. -Just leave her be.-
-It's alright, Geoffrey.- Kaylee soothes the boy next to her, he's still in his teens, pale and terrified and lost. -He's just scared, tryin' to make himself feel better is all.-
-Scared?-
Kaylee hisses as her head is pulled back, fingers twisting painfully in her hair. She has to bite down on her tongue to stop herself from making any sound. Her hands cover the body she has scooped against her.
-Who's sacred, little girl? It ain't me.-
-Please.- She whispers as she tries to gesture to the other two in the small cupboard like vault. -They're just kids.-
Her neck feels like it's about to snap as her back arches down to compensate.
-Let her go.- Hisses Geoffrey again.
-What's this?- The voice sounds more amused than anything. -Looks like you got a fan club. She slippin' it to you, too, is she boy?-
-No, no, no.- Becca's voice is little more than a moan as she shakes her head back and forth. Kaylee remembers her walking down the street with a younger sister. -No, no.-
-You hurt Miss Frye an' I'll...-
Kaylee bites down hard on her tongue when her hair is pulled harder. She can taste blood.
-You'll do what? Scream? Shout? Make the slightest bit of noise. Go ahead. I dare ya.- There's a silent standoff. -No, I double dare ya.-
All four of them jump when a loud crash sounds close by. A muffled scream is next, long and drawn out, punctuated by growls. Kaylee closes her eyes and tries not to identify the voice of the screamer.
They all fall quiet and the hands slide away from her hair. Kaylee stands up straight.
-Miss Frye, huh?- But it starts again soon enough. -You're little baby Frye? Yeah, I heard you was back some time ago. So you ain't married to his daddy, then?-
She rolls her shoulders along the wall, twists them so that she can turn away and ignore him. It doesn't help, his voice comes, hot and sticky at the back of her neck.
-You even know who the daddy is? Or did ya just lose count? Was that it? He a town baby?-
James whimpers and twists against her. She hefts him up closer to her chest.
-Well, don't that beat all? An unwed mama?- Kaylee doesn't feel the finger that trails down her spine, she doesn't. -Loose and available. Two things I like in a woman.-
Jayne watched her face crumple.
"It was just hard, okay?" There was so much tension in her body. "After the reavers hit. More'n three quarters of the town was killed that day. My family, Jayne, all of 'em, gone."
"Kaylee..." He tried to stop her, but she shook her head.
"We had..." She paused and he wondered if she realized why. "They... they had these sealed vault things all over town, but they don't hold many. 'Bout thirty or so people made it out in all."
There was something odd about the way she was sayin' it. Like she was sayin' the words, but seeing something else.
"There weren't nothin' but stains left, Jayne, everything we knew, gone. All of us, we were left to clean up. Weren't no one else gonna do it."
He thought about the gun fights he'd been in, the close calls, the bodies he and Mal and Zoe had left behind. He'd never really given any thought to who picked 'em up.
Just a week ago, it'd been him and Mal carryin' back Zeph, body full of holes. Stupid gorram mechanic. None of 'em really liked him much, but he'd done his work. Least ways, they'd thought he'd done. An' he'd kept clean and kept to himself.
But Jayne'd never had to use the word clean when it came to dealin' with bodies. Never had to use the word stain, neither. It made his skin crawl, just thinkin' on it.
"Why didn't ya call us, Kaylee? Why didn't ya let us know?"
She gave a little laugh with her shrug, but it weren't the kind of laughin' he'd meant earlier.
"What would you have done, Jayne? Rode in on a big, steel horse and shielded me from seein' ugly things?" Her eyes were sad. "Wouldn't've been no use, not by then. I had people needed me."
"What about you, Kaylee? Who'd you need?"
He watched her shrink before him, watched her close herself up and her eyes fall to the floor. He knew whatever she said after that would be another lie. It made him grit his teeth, made him want to shake her by her shoulders, but he didn't. That wouldn't help her any at all and she'd already opened up plenty.
"You don't know, Jayne, you don't know what it's like. The whole town was gone an' not just the people. Everything. And there weren't nothin' and nobody to help fix it."
She didn't flinch away from him when he put his hands on her shoulders and guided her to the couches.
"How many times has Mal decided not to go someplace 'cause it'd been hit by reavers? There ain't nobody gonna land after that. Nobody. No help, no food, no parts to repair cortex links, no parts to rebuild anything."
He didn't let her go and she didn't move to get away.
"It's just you, you and those thirty other people, day after day, and you can't get away from 'em. 'Cause you're all stuck and there's nothin' to do but scavenge off the rubble of everythin' else. Nothin' to do but pick off the dead."
"Mal got through to ya just fine."
"Yeah." She said carefully. "And if he'd tried a week earlier, he wouldn't have."
"You don't have to do this, Simon, really."
Kaylee tried to pry the little fingers from around her neck, but James clung desperately. He'd latched on the second she'd entered Inara's shuttle to get him and he hadn't let go since.
"Yeah, he does." Jayne stood in the doorway.
"That's okay." Simon gave a patient smile and shifted around the little body that tried to shift away from him. "Though, I have to tell you Kaylee, he looks fine to me. He's bright, energetic, alert..."
"His learning curve is worrisome." River added from the side bench.
"He's fine." Simon insisted as he pressed the stethoscope to James' back. "But I'll be the first to admit, my area of expertise was never pediatrics."
"Well, you're gonna learn, doc."
Simon's eyes met Kaylee's over James' head.
"I take it he knows, then?"
She nodded.
"Gorramit, kid."
Kaylee tensed under the engine for a second, until she heard James giggle. It made her smile. It also made her feel foolish. She shouldn't have worried, not about Jayne.
He hadn't said much to her, but they'd been more comfortable since their talk earlier. It felt better, easier somehow, now that she'd talked about some of it. It made her wonder if she'd ever tell him, or anyone, what really happened.
And he had been nothing but nice to James.
"See this? I told ya, it's called a holster. Now, you don't need to know what it's for, just yet, reckon your ma'd kill me if I showed you those, but this? Holster."
There was a pause.
"'Panner."
"Yeah, just great kid." A sigh. "But you ain't listenin' to me. Holster."
Kaylee's shoulders began to shake when she heard the sigh echoed by her son.
"Pannnn." It was drawn out slow. "Nerrrrr."
"Holster, kid."
"'Panner!"
"Hol... You know what? Fine. If that's what you want, fine. It's a spanner. It's a very nice spanner. Hope you an' your gorram spanner have a great time together."
There was a moment of quiet and Kaylee could all but picture the smug little face that accompanied the next word.
"Holser."
"Ha!" She heard the skid of knees jumping up off the floor and knew Jayne was peering around the door. "Did ya hear that, Kaylee? Huh? He said holster!"
"Yes, Jayne." She grinned up into the engine. "You sure showed him."
-They're dead, they're dead, they're all dead.- Becca whispers it over and over, rocking back and forth, she's been whispering it for hours now and her voice is getting higher. -They're all dead.-
-Shh.- Kaylee hums it between her lips, alternating between her and James in her arms as he gnaws compulsively on the biscuit she shoved at him from the bare supplies to keep him quiet. -It's gonna be fine. Shh.-
-Shut the hell up.- Whispers the voice behind her. -You're gonna get us killed, kid!-
-Would you leave her alone?- Kaylee's had enough and she bites down on her own fear. -Can't you see she's scared out of her head? Isn't it bad enough all her family's out there, everyone she knew? You gotta yell at her more?-
-Oh, right, sorry.- But he doesn't sound it. -Thought I was tryin' to keep us all from bein' eaten. Which includes your kid an' you know it. She needs to fuckin' shut up, right now.-
James whimpers and digs in closer to her, fingers of his free hand clawing at her side.
-They're dead!-
-Geoffrey.- Kaylee pleads. -Do something? Okay? You're closest. Calm her down.-
-Come on.- Geoffrey whispers frantically as he tries to hold the girl's head still and look in her eyes. -You gotta be quiet. We're all fine, if you're just quiet. Just shh. It's been hours since we heard anything, we'll be outta here before you know it. It's okay.-
-Yeah, right.- It's almost like silence behind her and she knows the two kids can't hear them. -Gorram reavers, they're learning you know. They don't just eat and run. They hang around, waitin', hiding, 'til people start crawlin' outta their hiding spots.-
Kaylee kisses James' head and covers his ears.
-Anybody goes out there now and they'll be ripped apart, poked more'n a half price whore. They're not waitin' for food, no more, they've eaten. They just wanna play now.-
-Please.- She begs. -Just stop.-
-They're dead, they're dead!- Becca's voice rises again, perilously close to be audible outside their sanctuary. -And we're next! They're gonna...-
-Boy!- An arm pushes past her and catches Geoffrey on the side of his head. Kaylee's face is pressed into the wall and she hollows her body to protect her son. -You shut her up.-
Becca starts screaming.
Mal walked the ship, thinking over everything that had happened. Ye soo, but his crew don't ever let up on the dramatics. It was worse this time, he knew it, but he didn't want to admit it. Didn't want to admit how different Kaylee was.
She was still his mechanic, still his bright, shiny Kaylee.
All he wanted was to make it better, but he knew it wasn't going to happen like that, she'd backed herself away from everyone. It didn't matter that she talked to Inara, that she cried in his arms. Didn't matter a bit. She still didn't trust any of them.
And that was going to take time.
"This your idea of givin' her space is it?"
He stepped into the bay, coming to a stop on the catwalk where Jayne was sitting, his legs hanging over the edge. It was a rare thing to see Jayne so beaten down as he sat there, running the edge of a knife over a piece of rawhide. Over and over again.
"It ain't like I'm inside her gorram shuttle, is it?"
"You're supposed to be in your bunk, sleeping, like the rest of us. You wanna tell me why you went and did exactly what I told you not to do? Confrontin' her like that before? I got a mind to..."
But Jayne didn't let him finish.
"That's my son, Mal."
Holy hell. He buckled his legs underneath him and joined Jayne. They sat together, facing an empty bay.
"You sure about that?"
"Yeah."
There was a long silence.
"Mal?"
"Yeah?"
"You ever held a baby?"
"I tried to hold him just today, you saw..."
"No." Jayne shook his head. "A real baby. When they just been born. They're so small. Gorram heads fit right in the palm of your hand."
As he watched, Jayne put the rawhide down and lifted up his hand, opening his palm and spreading out his fingers. Mal couldn't help looking at the lines of it, the deep grooves of the man's life, the tiny space it contained within.
"You can hold 'em with one arm, their little heads just sittin' there and their legs barely reachin' your elbow. Just trustin' ya to keep 'em safe."
"Jayne." There wasn't much else to say, what could a man say to that?
"I didn't get that, Mal. I didn't get that with my son." Jayne's fingers curled back up into nothing but air. "She took that from me."
It was sorrow he was hearing, Mal knew it, and usually it would have seemed out of place coming from the big man next to him. But this was different. If there was one thing Jayne Cobb treasured, it was family.
"That don't tell me why you're sitting out here in the middle of the night sharpening knives outside her door."
If he had thought about his words at all, Mal would have ducked at that moment or, better still, not said them to begin with.
"Just keepin' busy, stayin' awake." But Jayne didn't seem offended, just lost. "But there ain't nobody gonna keep me from him no more. I ain't gonna miss any more of his life."
"But he's sleeping right now." Mal pointed out. "I might not have spent much time around them, but I'm fairly sure you're allowed to sleep when babies do."
True to form, his crew continued to make a liar out of him and Kaylee began to cry out.
"Kaylee!" Jayne had dropped his knife, pulled himself back up to the catwalk and was running before Mal had even looked over. "Kaylee!"
"Jayne." Mal called after him. "Jayne, her door's locked."
"Not to me, it ain't."
He saw the strength with which Jayne's shoulder hit the door and winced, that would smart come morning. The man took several steps back, clutching his arm as he surged forward again.
"It's metal, Jayne."
"Then you open it!" He yelled as he backed up a third time. "You get it open or I swear..."
Even Mal could hear them both now, Kaylee screaming and James wailing underneath it. But that wasn't what made him move, it was Jayne's face turning red.
"Okay, okay." He punched the codes into the wall. "Let's hope she didn't change nothin'..."
"Change?" Jayne rounded on him, but before the torrent of abuse could start a small buzzing sounded and the little light flicked green. "Kaylee?"
It was instant, the streaming into the shuttle, Jayne pausing to look down at the red faced, bawling boy sitting up in his trundle, only to rush over to the bed. Mal didn't give one frilly heck for the boy's sensibilities as he bent over to pick him up.
James struggled against Mal as he brought him up to his chest, hiccupping with panic.
"Kaylee." He turned to watch Jayne approaching the bed. "Kaylee, come on, wake up."
He'd seen Jayne move like that before, sleek and seamless, slow and not making any unnecessary movements, as if Kaylee was a wild horse needing to be coaxed. As if she was an armed man and Jayne was trying to get close enough without spooking her
"Kaylee."
Her name over and over again, soft and insistent.
They all saw the moment her eyes snapped open, felt it in the way her chest expanded with the sudden breath she took. For one brief second, Mal was scared what she would do with Jayne leaning over her so close like that.
Then she broke, just shrunk into a ball, curled herself up into his arms and sobbed.
"It's okay." Jayne murmured it into the top of her head as he twisted them around so he could hold her. "C'mon, Kaylee, we're all here."
"Mal?" He turned to find Inara standing there, a gown thrown wildly over her shoulders and her eyes puffy from sleep. "Here, give him to me."
It stunned him and he let his arms go slack, let go of the crying child and frowned. He'd never said anything, always tried to remain distant from the personal lives of his crew, but he'd never understood it. Never really realized why, if Kaylee had needed comfort so badly, she had turned to Jayne.
Now, watching him cradle her, Mal knew.
"We don't need to be here." Inara whispered to him. "Let's get him quieted down."
"Wasn't her fault." Jayne finally made sense of her words. "It wasn't her fault."
He ran his hand over her hair and down the curve of her back as she curled up into his side, her hands holding tightly to his ribs. The bed head bit into the back of his skull as he leaned against it, but he didn't mind.
"She didn't mean it."
"I know she didn't."
He agreed softly, though he didn't have one ruttin' clue who she was or what she did or didn't do. As he kept stroking her back, he felt her trembles slow down and it made him ache, made him remember.
"Jayne?" Her quiet voice surprised him.
"He's fine." He shushed her. "'Nara and Mal took him out."
"You're good with him."
It was a simple statement, a compliment even, and they didn't always come hard and fast with Mal. Still, she knew an exit line if she ever heard one from him and it made her weary.
Inara smiled at him.
"He's just scared." Her hand cupped the back of James' head, the soft, silky down of his hair. "Aren't you, gorgeous?"
"I don't know what to do." Mal paced her shuttle, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't know what to do about her."
She watched him stride back and forth as she sat down on the edge of her bed, carefully juggling James and all his careless limbs. It wasn't difficult to soothe him, but she did, it just took time and patience.
"Maybe you're not supposed to do anything." She kissed the warm, clammy forehead, but her eyes angled upwards to watch Mal. "Maybe you're supposed to let them find their own way."
The look he shot her was priceless.
"Yeah." He said. "It's that kind of thinking that started this whole mess in the first place, ain't it?"
"It doesn't matter right now, does it?" In her arms, James stopped hitching his breath long enough to yawn long and loud, Inara sympathized. "Jayne is coping just fine with Kaylee and you and I are supposed to be coping with James."
"But..." There was a pause there, she recognized it, knew the words that would follow. "... you seem to be doin' just fine."
"He's going to like you." She insisted. "Just come here."
To his credit, Mal barely even made a face as he obeyed. It was hesitant, those first few steps. She didn't know what had happened and that would come with time, but for now Inara took her cues in dealing with James from Kaylee.
The woman knew how to deal with her son better than anyone and she'd watched Kaylee soothe him, settle him before introducing him to them, constantly reassure him when dealing with Mal or Wash or Book.
"Okay." Mal nodded as he gently sat down. "What now?"
Their knees were touching.
"You pet him." She said softly, patiently. "Let him know it's okay, let him know you're okay."
James yawned again as Mal's hand landed on the top of his head, dragging the hair backwards clumsily. Inara suppressed her smile at the awkwardness.
"He don't like me." Mal stated. "He's never gonna..."
"Shut up, Mal." Inara felt the slide of her jaw as she hid her own yawn. "And keep doing it."
She'd been woken from a deep sleep. Her instincts finely tuned to wake her up at the slightest disturbance and, she had to admit, all the shouting and crashing and screaming outside her shuttle had barely been slight.
Now that it was over, she could feel it coming back on her and she let her eyes fall like the rest of her, slowly, softly, to rest on the blankets. Just for a second. Not long. Not long at...
"What are you doin', Inara?" He asked nervously.
"Settling him down." She replied innocently.
As innocently as she could, anyway.
Simon sat at the table, idly spooning something he assumed was food into his mouth. Truth was, he didn't really care, it wasn't like he could taste it. It wasn't like he wanted to taste it.
"You're sad."
"Really?" He couldn't help the small smile as he arched his eyebrows. "Did you use all your skills to determine that fact, mei mei?"
"Brat."
She poked her tongue out at him as she picked her way around the table and sat down, bringing her toes up to the seat of her chair and hugging her legs to her chest.
"Me?" He had to smile larger as he pushed the bowl away. "I thought you were?"
"James is not your son."
He wasn't expecting her words.
"No." He sighed. "No, he's not."
"But you wish he was."
"River." Simon looked down at the table. "You know he's not. Besides the fact that he looks entirely too much like Jayne, Kaylee and I never slept together, not like that."
There, he'd earned the look again. The one that told him he was being completely asinine.
"Doesn't stop the wishing, though."
"No." He sighed again. "It really doesn't."
He'd made mistakes, he knew it. Had known it for a long time. Kaylee's leaving had hit him hard, at first because he felt that he hadn't had a second chance, not really, to make up for everything he'd done.
The more he'd thought about it, the more he'd realized that he'd had his second chances and third and fiftieth chances. It was never Kaylee's fault that he'd pushed her away. Only her fault that she'd left.
When she'd come back on board, he'd seen her with her son and known that he would never get another chance. Known that it wouldn't be fair to even ask that of her.
He wondered, briefly, if perhaps he had reacted differently and things had worked out between him and Kaylee, how he would have reacted to the news of her baby. Of Jayne's baby. He liked to think he would have acted with finesse, that he had learned his lesson the first time, but he couldn't be sure.
It was difficult to know how he would have felt about living in such close quarters with Kaylee, her son, the father of her son and himself. With no leeway, no avenue for any of them to have their own real space. Simon wasn't sure if he wanted to know.
They were happy now, at least reasonably so. He could tell, they all could, that something had happened, that something haunted both of them. But if he had learned anything at all in the past few years, it was to trust River.
And River wasn't worried.
"No." She smiled as her arm curled up to play with her hair. "I'm not."
"Not what?" Wash asked from the doorway as he and Zoe entered.
"The Captain." Zoe supplied. "Or Jayne. Have either of you two seen them this morning? They're not in their bunks."
"They're okay." River replied dreamily. "They're sleeping. Happy. And warm."
Silence. Book coughed quietly.
"River?" Simon finally asked. "You don't mean...?"
River just rolled her eyes.
"Jayne is in Kaylee's shuttle. And Mal is with Inara. They're snuggled up with the baby."
The silence reigned for at least twenty seconds before anyone moved.
"Huh. They're so cute. Couldn't you just take a picture?"
"Shh. Husband, don't wake them."
"Shouldn't we give them their privacy?"
"Yes, Book is right, I don't think we should be in here."
"It was useless to knock, Simon, sleeping people can't let you in."
"Can't fault her logic."
"Yes, wife, I think we can."
"I will dump all your asses on the next gorram planet." Mal murmured without opening his eyes. "If'n you wake either of them up."
He was fairly sure he'd imagined the brief twitch of Inara's soft fingers over his as they both cradled James between them. A brief, momentary fantasy as everyone's footsteps echoed away.
"It ain't nothin'." Jayne frowned and tried to move away from her, but she pressed him down into the chair. "Kaylee, you don't gotta..."
Her fingers trailed softly over the purple shoulder, his skin swollen and shiny. She did that to him, it was the last in a long line of things she'd done. The muscles shifted under her touch and she looked up to see him clenching his jaw.
"Don't be such a jing xiao gou, Jayne."
He glared and pouted, but sat still anyway as she applied the salve. It was automatic, the soft humming as she did it, the way she blew air through her lips to cool the sting.
Behind her, she could hear the soft, melodic sound of James talking to himself. It amused her, how easily he took to the ship, how much he'd made the shuttle home in just a few days. He busied himself checking all the nooks and crannies.
She'd gone straight to Inara's shuttle as soon as they'd woken up and found them sitting up in bed, playing some game with their hands. It was still hard to accept, the realization that he didn't need her so much, even if that was what she wanted. Wanted him to be able to spend more than twenty minutes away from her without worrying.
But then he'd looked up and she saw everything in his face as she'd swooped down and gotten him in a cuddle. Felt it in the way his hands both swatted her face away from his tummy, but held on like he didn't ever want to let go.
Kaylee didn't know which one of them needed the other more.
"Uh... thanks."
She looked down at Jayne, sitting there with his sleeve rolled up and his shoulder bruised. He was a large man, always had been, and she wasn't stupid when it came to his life. She knew what kind of violence he'd done.
Those arms alone could crush her without thinking, squeeze her until there was no air left.
"You're welcome." She gave a small smile. "Really."
He did think, though, she knew it. She could remember so many years ago, lying in his arms, how gentle he'd been then. Remembered how much he'd given her, how little he'd asked back.
"You want 'Renity?"
Kaylee laughed as Jayne frowned.
"Huh?"
"He wants to know if you want to hold Serenity." She explained. "To help you not cry."
It broke her heart, watching the way Jayne nodded seriously to her son. Their son. The way he took the small wooden toy and held it gently in his hands. Like he cared as much about it as James did. As if it really would stop his tears.
"Ow, Mama."
James looked at the shoulder.
"Yes." She nodded. "Big ow."
Little eyes blinked, wide and curious.
"Gonna kiss it better?"
Big eyes blinked, wide and curious.
"Yeah, you gonna?"
"Don't know about that." She laughed. "I don't think it's that big an ow."
James nodded his agreement and wandered back over to inspect the rest of their belongings that they were trying to unpack.
"So, uh." Jayne grinned. "Just how big an ow we talkin' here? I gotta go get myself shot?"
Kaylee patted the bulk of his arm, large and soft all at the same time. Her fingers slid around so that she held his elbow for a second, just a second, then she let go.
"Thank you, Jayne. I mean it."
"Yeah." He looked at her. "I know."
She bit her lip and looked off to the side, wondered if he really did.
"Kaylee?" His hand circled her wrist and she looked back down at him. "You can tell me, you know. Anything."
"Maybe." She sighed. "Not yet."
Jayne nodded.
"I can wait."
They stayed still for a moment.
"If you wanted, though?" He asked. "Promise me one thing?"
"What?"
"Don't lock your door no more. That things hurts like a mother..."
They laughed over breakfast. She loved hearing them laugh.
"No. No." Mal held out his hand, urging them to stop it. "It weren't nothin' to be lookin' at."
"I disagree, Sir." Zoe's face remained expressionless, but her eyes shone. "You looked mighty cozy on that bed."
"A little too cozy."
Inara supplied as she straightened her back and made her voice crisp, but Kaylee could see the glimmer of her eyes as Mal raised his eyebrow at her, she saw the look that passed between them.
She waited for the usual remark from Mal, an easy opening for a vicious dig. It didn't come and the next time she looked up, Mal was smiling and his hand rested on the table, sitting close to Inara's.
"How bad's the damage?" Mal asked. "On the engine?"
"Ain't gonna lie, Cap'n." She answered. "It ain't good. That mechanic didn't know nothin' 'bout Serenity. Be a while 'til I got her runnin' smooth again, but she's flyin' just fine as we are."
"Ship's gonna fly." James told them all seriously.
"That's right." Kaylee kissed the top of his head. "Ship is flying."
He nodded his agreement.
"An' nice people." His head tilted back and his eyes looked up at her. "Nice."
"Very." She agreed.
"He callin' us nice?" Mal grinned. "I think there's hope for him, yet."
"Go on." Kaylee urged James. "Tell them, tell them who's nice."
"'Nara." He pointed as everyone grinned. "An' Ray Ray."
"Ray." River insisted with a sigh as everyone turned to laugh. "Just once."
Kaylee whispered in James' ear and he pointed again.
"An Cap'n. An' Book. An' the shy man."
"What?" Simon blinked.
"No, sweetie." Kaylee blushed. "It's just Simon."
"Gotta admit, doc." Wash grinned. "You were pretty backwards in coming forwards when you first got on, I reckon the kid's got you pegged."
"An So!" James wasn't about to have his audience stolen. "An' Wash!"
"An' you was worried about his learnin' curve." Jayne made a face at River. "So there."
"I was obviously wrong." She poked out her tongue. "Big."
"Yeah." Jayne stopped grinning and looked down at his plate. "Whatever."
Kaylee frowned.
"C'mon, sweetie." She nudged James. "You can say Jayne."
"S'got a Cobb nose."
The table went silent. She saw Jayne's shoulder's shaking, then heard a little whistle of escaped air. It wasn't long before it turned into a chuckle. Then everyone was laughing again.
Kaylee missed family.
She kneels in the dust, not that it matters. She's got dust everywhere, it's coating her skin, layers of it stuck in the cracks of her elbows, in the creases between her breasts, in the shell of her ear. Caked on with sweat.
Her hands are raw as she dips the sponge into the bucket of water and slaps it back onto the wall, dripping. If she looks hard enough, she can see the skin of her hands cracked and bloated.
But it's getting dark and Kaylee just doesn't have enough energy to care.
Her muscles ache and her belly grinds into itself with hunger, her neck screams. They spent all day hauling bodies to the edge of town. James wouldn't let her go and she ended up wrapping him around her back in a sling made from the canvas of what was once a storefront.
It's almost laughable, that first hour. The tears, the shock, the horror, the inability to look at a hand as she picked it up between her thumb and forefinger and held it as far away as possible. Lightly adding it to the carefully set out space.
They'd had to get over that sensibility quickly enough, all of them.
Kaylee doesn't ever want to see any more death, for as long as she lives. All she wants to do, all she should do, is curl up in a little ball, hug her son and sleep. Sleep until there's nothing left to do but wake up. The town still has many things to do tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that.
But there are stains on her father's wall tonight.
-Hey, little boy.-
Kaylee drops the sponge as ice shoots up her spine, she hasn't seen him all day.
-Stay away from him.-
It's only a second, five steps, five little steps from washing the shop wall to tugging James up from sleep, from his safe little haven inside the cot. He shifts restlessly in her arms.
-Well, well, Mama Frye, knew you wouldn't be far away.-
-Don't.- She can't stop clutching James to her chest. -Just don't. It's over, okay? It's done, it's over. Leave us alone.-
Something flickers in his eyes and the muscles of his jaw twitch.
-You shouldn't be out here.- It confuses her, the sudden step back. -So late. Shouldn't you be lookin' after him?-
-I... I am.- Kaylee doesn't know what to say. -Just... I was.. I had to...-
She can see him eyeing the small progress she's made.
-Be easier to paint over that, wouldn't it?-
Her throat closes up and she can't do this, can't stand here and have a normal conversation with this man. She wonders if she can have a normal anything again.
Her brain interrupts with an image of drawing a brush over the wall, thick with fresh, glistening paint. Covering it, taking it away from sight with the barest of strokes.
She imagines trying to come back here day after day knowing what was just underneath and it twists in her gut.
-I don't have paint.- Kaylee says instead.
-I do.- And there's something there, something in his voice that makes her stand up straighter, makes her pay attention. -I got a whole heap of it, if you were to play nice.-
-No.- Her fingers strain not to clutch too hard at the bundle in her arms. -That will never happen.-
-You sure?- He steps forward and she steps back, feels the edge of the workbench hit her hips. -I got a lot of things can make it easier for a mama and her kid. Especially a mama like you.-
A thought splinters her brain and she nearly chokes on it.
-That's where you...? You plundered the town while we was cleaning it?-
-I got what I needed to get by.- He shrugs, but there's nothing casual about his movement. -You remember that when three dozen of you are fightin' over rations for eight and your boy here is crying 'cause he's hungry.-
He's close enough to lay his hands on the bench on either side of her and she can smell him as he leans in.
-We're not in that vault no more.- She reminds him. -And I will scream.-
It makes him laugh.
-We're all in the same boat now, little girl.- But it's not funny. -Vernon, next door? He's got two girls left and a powerful need to feed 'em. You think he'll take your side over mine? You sure about his loyalty, are ya?-
She really isn't and he knows it.
-Why me?- It bubbles up, like air in a pot of water. -Why?-
He laughs again, low and throaty.
-I like you, Mama Frye, you got fire.-
She doesn't feel that way, standing there shrinking away from him, her arms wrapped tight around the only thing she has left. Doesn't feel anything but cold as he reaches up to play with her hair.
-You look after your boy, now.- Her eyes widen and search his, trying to find the threat she thinks she's just heard, but she can find nothing except a smile and it scares her. He pushes back and away from her with a little flourish. -And you let me know if you change your mind. My offer still stands.-
"Jayne." He felt her hand grab him in the hallway. "About before..."
"It ain't nothin'." But he wasn't sure if she believed him or not, wasn't sure if he believed himself. "Don't matter what the kid calls me."
Her eyes were wide when she looked up at him.
"Yes, it does." She insisted. "I just didn't teach him your name, 'cause... 'cause I didn't know what you wanted him to call you. I didn't want to make another mistake."
"I..." His throat closed up. "Whatever he wants."
"Jayne." She glared.
"I'm his daddy, Kaylee." He ran a hand through his hair. "But he don't know that. So why don't you tell me what he's supposed to call me?"
"He could." Her voice was hopeful and he couldn't breathe. "He could know, if you wanted. That's what I'm askin'."
"James? James, come here."
Jayne tapped his fingers nervously against his thighs as he waited for Kaylee to swoop down and pick up his son. The very words rang through him. He had no idea what to expect.
"James, sweetie?"
Kaylee kissed the top of his head and moved so that they were both facing him. Jayne could see it, the two of them together like that, their faces so close. He knew, just by looking, that James took after him, there weren't no way to hide it, but when they were so close like that, well, there weren't no mistakin' who that kid's mother was.
"James, Jayne here, Jayne's your daddy."
He waited. He didn't know what for. Something. Slowly, James' eyes traveled up to the top of his head and down to his feet, then back again. Jayne felt like he was being scrutinized.
"He... he don't have the option to say no, does he Kaylee?"
"Shoosh, Jayne." She laughed.
The small, tiny hand of his son wound its way into Kaylee's hair and played with the strands there. Jayne watched James lean in close to her ear.
"Daddy in the ship?"
Jayne bit his lip and drummed his fingers some more.
"Yes." She whispered back. "Your daddy."
Slowly, but surely, James began to smile.
-You doin' okay?-
Kaylee lifts the huge machine onto the bench, it's been killing her back all morning bending over to reach it on the ground and she's grateful for the help. Even if it's only the pale, scrawny kid in front of her.
-Yeah.- Geoffrey answers as they set it down, but he doesn't meet her eyes. -I'm okay. It's getting a bit tight over at the hall, but we're managing.-
Of course it's tight, Kaylee thinks, it's getting tight everywhere. Food especially. People didn't save it, they didn't think they needed to. The hall has sixteen lost souls, those without any family or friends left, bunking down and just getting by. Geoffrey asked Kaylee to stay there, but she thinks about the way they look at James, as if adding up each and every mouthful he's stealing from them, and can't quite agree.
There's a patch of garden just inside town that everyone's been watching with impatient eyes. Yesterday they dug it all up, too early, and everything was green and hard and almost inedible. Almost. They boiled it until it was soft and mushy and able to be swallowed.
And no one complained.
She'd gone to a nearby shop where a family was bunking to ask them a favor and they'd all looked at her with wide, expressionless eyes and said nothing. But Kaylee could smell it in the air, smell it in the pores of their skin. Green. Fresh. Food.
*It twisted in her brain all that evening, the spite, the disbelief, the anger, and she wasn't sure what made her feel worse: the idea that people were keeping food from someone with a small, hungry child, or the ease with which she'd suspected them.*
None of it matters, everyone is going crazy.
-Miss Frye?- Geoffrey brings her out of her reverie. -Miss Frye, you can't stay out here. You should really...-
*His eyes are haunted and has to wonder who makes her feel worse: the helpless boy who refuses to acknowledge what happened, or the man who won't let her forget.*
-I'm okay, really.- She assures him. -Me an' James, we're doin' fine.-
-But it's not safe.- He whispers desperately. -You can't...-
His face goes wide and he's pulled back, tossed into the dirt.
-The lady said no, boy.- Geoffrey stumbles in the dust, already backing away. -You oughtta respect her wishes.-
Kaylee can't blame him, he's just a boy, just a young, frightened boy who has every reason to scramble up and away, but she wishes he would stay anyway.
-You know.- Comes the amused voice. -I believe that boy has a hard on for you almost as big as mine.-
It's not even a choice, Kaylee moves by instinct, her ankles turning towards the back of the store, her shoulders rounding and her knees squaring, preparing to run.
A hand slams down hard on the bench right in front of her, blocking her path and Kaylee can't help crying out a little.
James starts whimpering in his little bench.
-That's not nice.- He says over the growing cries of her son. -I just came to say hello.-
-Then hello.- She says, trying to stop shaking. -And goodbye.-
-Mama?- Comes the terrified voice, the strain in it breaking her heart. -Mama?-
-Now, now, it's alright son, your mama's gonna be just fine.- His voice is in her ear. -Tell him.-
-He's not your son.- She hisses, then turns to nod at James. -Mama's okay. She's all good.-
-Ain't that the truth?- Low and whispered, it makes her close her eyes until he raises his voice again. -Might as well be mine, though, from what people are sayin', he don't have no daddy. Never did. No one knows where he came from.-
Not you, she wants to say, but doesn't. If she just ignores him, he'll get to his point and then leave. She stares down at her feet instead, itching to finish her way around the table and pick up James, comfort him.
-Anyways, I just came to see how you were.- The breezy tone of his voice is almost as bad as the threatening one. -And to give you a present.-
Kaylee looks up to see an apple sitting on the bench and she can feel herself salivate against her will. She wants to throw it at him, to crush it into the ground and show him exactly what he can do with his gifts.
But she won't.
She knows it and he knows it. She can't give up food of any kind, not for herself and certainly not for James, just because she doesn't like where it came from.
-You...- Her voice shakes. -You gave some to the Jensons.-
His eyes smile, proud of the connection she made, and it makes her sick.
-I just suggested that taking on a woman and her baby might put more of a strain on their already strained resources. What they chose to do with that, well... can you blame them?-
Her eyes follow the slow, torturous path of a bead of condensation as it slides down the side of the apple. It's green. And ripe. He must have a working cooler somewhere. And stores. Food to be giving away.
She's losing, she can feel it.
-There're ships coming.- But her voice sounds too small to be hers. -And they'll have things.-
-Yeah.- He chuckles at her. -Those Alliance troops, I bet they're staying awake night after night, burning extra fuel tryin' to get all the way out here. Just waiting to throw bread and money down on us all.-
An emergency call went out. They know it did. They found the confirmation next to the broken, shredded body in the communications room. Surrounded by the remains of the equipment, torn to pieces. Nobody can call out.
But old man Jones died making sure someone would come for them.
-They're coming.- She insists, a little louder.
-You're probably right about that. But I hope you ain't holdin' your breath, for his sake at least.- He gives a little nod to a whimpering James. -Shame, a boy like that out here, with no pa to look after him. It just ain't that safe.-
-I'm lookin' after him.- She glares. -His ma.-
She knows the second it comes out that it's the wrong thing to say.
-Yeah?-
The challenge sparks in his eyes and his hand comes up out of nowhere. Kaylee ducks, a cry escaping her throat as she does, crumpling at the waist to escape him. His hand finishes its arc to his own neck, where it adjusts the collar of his shirt.
He laughs.
-I sure do hope you're enough, Mama Frye.-
Later, in the dark, Kaylee uses a small saw to cut wood.
-You do have a daddy, James, you got a real good daddy.- No one can see her and she lets the tears fall down her cheeks. -He's real big and strong and nice and he's gonna come.-
James watches her from his little workbench, fist clutching the last of the apple. She cut it up and nibbled on a third of it, trying to make it last as long as possible, but it still went too quickly. Barely enough to do anything but awaken her hunger, that little third.
It strains at her, eats at her, knowing that she's counting down to the very last bite that her son takes. She just wishes he'd get it over with and finish it so she can stop. So it'll be gone.
-Sooner or later, a ship's gonna land, and soon as it does, we're gonna call your daddy and he's gonna come.- Her fingers smooth over the wood, testing it, seeing if it'll hold. -He's gonna come in a big ship, best ship you ever saw, and we're gonna fly away from here.-
She doesn't think about the empty shop next door, the one owned by her daddy's friend. The man that used to tickle her and make her laugh and save his coins to buy her salt taffy. She didn't think about him when she tore the doors off his hinges and stole the wood off his roof.
-Ship's got nice people in it, James, nice people.- Her nose runs and she wipes it with the back of her hand. -People who won't sell us out for food.-
Her fist hits the ground hard and she lets the dirt swallow her anger as she whispers her disbelief.
-For a gorram apple!-
Kaylee doesn't have time to sleep.
-We're gonna just fly away. You got a daddy, James, you got a real nice daddy.-
"Hey, no, kid." Jayne narrowly dodged getting hurt. "You don't just toss it any old place."
"Shoes!"
"Yes." He picked it up. "But the point of it is, ya gotta get it on the target here."
They were standing one foot away from the little pole. And, although he could tell the kid was havin' a ball and a half throwing things about, it was also painfully clear that he wasn't quite grasping the concept of aiming.
He held the shoe over the pole and let it go, gently dropping it in place.
"See? Ain't that fun?"
James frowned up at him. Jayne frowned down at the little pile of neatly stacked shoes.
"Yeah, you're right. There's just no challenge like this, is there?"
"Shoes!"
"Yeah, kid!"
"Jayne!"
"Uh, yeah, Mal?"
"You let that child drop one more horse shoe over my catwalk an' you'll be on sewer vac duty for the next eight months, dong ma?"
"Well, it ain't like he can toss 'em far, is it? I thought he could cheat usin' height and all."
"Jayne? I mean it."
"Shoes?"
"Not no more, kid."
"I swear." Mal sighed as he entered the bridge. "That man is gonna be the death of me yet."
He didn't like the way that Zoe and Wash turned to frown at him.
"Well, sure, it's damn cute and all, way he's gettin' along with his son, but..."
"Sir?" Zoe interrupted. "You need to look at something."
(Buddha's juicy globes in a squirrel's grip) "Fo de duo shui fen qui zhuang wu zhong yi song shu de wo zhu!" He stared at them, unwilling to grasp what they were trying to say. "Tell me you're joking Wash, tell me this is some nasty little joke that I can just kick your sorry ass for and get on with things."
"It's not a joke, Mal." Wash's pale face looked up at him. "I wish it were."
He grabbed the com and brought it to his lips, closing his eyes and breathing in before pressing the button and speaking.
"Inara? Inara, you alone in that shuttle?"
"Just me and fifty of my closest whoring friends, Mal." Came her exasperated voice. "Who did you expect to be here this far out in space?"
"We don't have time for that." He said. "I want you to find Kaylee, take her and James to her shuttle and keep her in there, dong ma?"
"Mal?" Her voice crackled out at him.
Sometimes, he really hated his job.
"Reavers."
"It's nothing, Kaylee." Inara tried to smile. "I just figured I could help you unpack the rest of your things, seeing that we both have some spare time."
She fussed over a non existent crease in her shawl to cover the fact that her hands were shaking. The rise of Kaylee's eyebrow told her that, just possibly, she wasn't buying it.
"Spare time? 'Nara, I was holed up under Serenity's engines, there ain't no such thing as spare time."
You keep them in there, Mal had said, and you keep them distracted until you hear from me. If I tell you to leave, you take the shuttle and you get them out of here.
"Don't be silly, mei mei." Another smile. "Serenity's running fine, you said so yourself. I won't always have this much time and I've missed you so over the last few years. Surely you can spare a few hours?"
Kaylee set James down on the floor and nudged him to go off and play.
Even Inara could feel the shift of the engines under her feet.
"Inara?" Kaylee narrowed her eyes. "What was that?"
"What was what?"
Oh, that was smooth Miss Serra, very nicely done, she thought.
"Is Wash putting her in full burn?"
"I wouldn't know." She attempted. "You know I don't know much about..."
"You're unbelievable." Kaylee glared. "You're all unbelievable. I'm not an idiot and I'm not a child."
She headed for the door.
"Kaylee..." Inara called.
"You stay here." Kaylee turned to point. "And you look after my son. I need to go the engine room, kill a captain and keep this ship going."
Inara sagged as the door closed after Kaylee. Mal was going to kill her.
"'Nara?" A small voice asked her as a hand sneaked its way into hers. "We gonna hide?"
"What?" This time she hoped her smile was a little more convincing as James pulled her further into the room. "Hide? If that's what you want."
She felt her smile disappear as James led her to the small bed in the middle of the room and crawled onto it. He curled up tight and his face was pale.
"James? What...?"
"Shh." He brought his finger up to cover his mouth. "No sounds now. An' close."
Inara's hands shook as she started to close the lid and saw the way it turned into a nondescript trunk. Nobody would ever look twice at it. Nobody would ever look inside it for a child.
Kaylee ran all the way to the engine room. There was something in the feel of it, the way recycled air filled her lungs and how her feet knew the way automatically, that made her blood run faster.
"Jayne?" She heard Mal sigh as she got close. "Can you just grab the... twisty... thing?"
"The what? Gorram it, Mal, why ain't Kaylee in here?"
"'Cause she ain't." It made her grit her teeth. "And she ain't gonna..."
"I'm here." She said as she got through the door. "Cap'n, I ain't happy with you right now, so's you best stand right back and leave my engine to me."
It must have been in her eyes, because Kaylee had no idea why else he would step back and take orders on his ship. He didn't even try to claim ownership from her.
"Wash?" She asked the com unit. "I'm here, what do you need?"
"Kaylee?" It crackled back. "Thank god. Was wondering if you got anything to add to the burn, make her run faster?"
"Not gonna happen, hydraulics ain't up to it." Her eyes ran over the machine. "But I could ease out the jet controls, make her tail loose?"
"'Cause we really need to skid around right now. You sure you're...?"
"Wash?" Kaylee cut right in. "What've you got in front of you right now?"
"My life, flashing by. You?"
"Wash!"
"Alright, alright, we're in the Rashaws, nothin' but a big scary ship behind us and a lot of big scary space trash to the left."
Kaylee grinned.
"You gettin' me now?"
She knew the instant he did.
"You wanna?" He sounded excited. "Gonna be risky."
"That's the way you like it. Now fly."
The engine was hot in her hands when she touched it. She'd spent the last day or so fixing her, bringing her back up to something that resembled the clean, smooth running machine she'd left.
She hadn't pushed Serenity to anything resembling a limit.
"You guys might wanna hold on." It was like a little thrill.
"Kaylee?" Mal's voice was hesitant. "You sure you're up to this?"
"Don't have much choice now, do we?" But she could tell he was serious and she nodded instead. "Cap'n, this is what I do."
"You need me to do somethin'?" She could feel Jayne at her side and knew, without doubt, that he trusted her to do what she had to. "I'm here."
"See this?" She pointed out a cross bar. "I need you to hold it and don't let go. It's gonna want to fly off in all directions, but you gotta keep it slow and steady, dong ma?"
"Gotcha."
She rolled up her sleeves.
"Kaylee...?"
"Look, Captain." There weren't no other way to say it and no other way he'd listen as she began loosening the pressure caps. "You wanna know what it was like for me down there? It was me, me and James, stuck in a tiny little vault with three other people for sixteen hours."
One of the caps stuck and she had to put extra effort into it.
"Not doin' nothin', barely enough room to stand, let alone sit. Not doin' nothin' but waiting." She wondered if they could see her hands shaking. "Waiting for reavers to finish killin' our folk, waiting for them to find us. Sixteen hours just waitin' to die."
A hiss of steam sounded and she leaned back.
"And all I could think about, was when I found out I was carrying my baby and how I'd wanted nothin' but to come back here. My daddy got real mad, spittin' mad, an' he was gonna come hunt you all down and shoot you, but I kept tellin' him we didn't know, none of us knew. By the time he calmed down and I knew that I really should come back, I couldn't barely move I got so big. And what good would I've been on board, big as a house and couldn't move nowhere? It was safer, for me an' even for you, just to stay where I was."
She could see Jayne's arms shaking as he held the starboard motor steady.
"Then I had James, I had my baby, an' I couldn't stop thinkin' about Wash and how right he was. Space ain't no place to raise a baby. Cap'n, there weren't a week gone by when one of us weren't shot at or stabbed or arrested or worse, not one. I couldn't do that to him. So I kept thinkin', when he got a bit older, just a little bit older, soon."
They felt the ship lurch to the side and then swing around again.
"I kept holding my son, cowering in this little room, waiting for reavers to come find us and I kept thinking, it didn't count for nothing. Not a thing. Bad things are gonna happen, even planet side, nobody can stop 'em. Only difference was, on the ground I couldn't do anything, weren't nowhere to run, nothin' to do but wait. I felt so helpless and useless and weak."
The hydraulics began to scream in protest and she took a lubricant to them.
"I promised myself then, that if we got outta there, that we were gonna get back in space, on a ship somewhere. Anywhere, if'n you wouldn't take us back."
An explosion rocked the ship, making the walls shudder and gravity lurch sideways as the lights flickered. A moment of silence and then everything righted itself.
"I promised myself down there, that if somethin' bad were gonna happen to my son, it weren't ever gonna be because I just stood there and waited for it. It was only gonna happen in spite of me tryin' everything I knew how to stop it in the first place."
Kaylee caressed the heated metal.
"And this? This is what I know how to do. This is how I protect my family." She turned to meet Mal's eyes. "So I don't need protecting and I don't need to be shut away like some doll that's gonna break."
"Uh..." The com crackled to life. "We're good, people. Serenity and space trash one, reavers nothing."
"I gotta go see to my son." She walked to the door of the engine room and waited for several seconds before turning back. "Jayne?"
"Uh, yeah." He blinked. "Mal? You're a bad man. And I gotta see my son, too."
If she wasn't using all her strength to stay upright, Kaylee would have smiled when she felt him walking beside her.
Zoe squeezed her husband's shoulder.
"Did you get all that?"
His face shone a brilliant orange as they watched the wreckage of the reaver ship implode.
"Yeah." His hand came up to cover hers. "I think I did."
Jayne kept pace with her as they walked back to the shuttle. His hand couldn't stop itself from reaching out to steady her, guiding her at the small of her back. He was surprised to feel her shaking.
It burned in him, a deep glow of satisfaction, seeing her step up and run the engine room like that. He wished he knew how to say that, to tell her how good it was seeing that side of her.
Since she'd come back, all he'd seen, all anyone had seen, had been the scared Kaylee, the weak and broken Kaylee. He should've known the old Kaylee was in there, somewhere, just waiting to break out and yell at them all.
He wanted to see more of her.
"Kaylee!"
Inara met them at the door.
"It's over." He said. "Where's...?"
Kaylee had already started walking to the middle of the shuttle.
"He asked if it was time to hide." Inara rushed to explain. "I thought he wanted to play, so I said yes. Now he won't come out."
"Huh?" Jayne frowned.
"James, sweetie, it's Mama."
Kaylee knelt by the trunk and opened the lid. Jayne felt his mouth fall open.
"Why's my son locked in a box?"
"He wouldn't..." Inara twisted her hands together. "He wouldn't let me leave it open. He wouldn't..."
"It's okay." Kaylee gently rubbed James' back. "Come on, Mama's here, it's okay."
Jayne felt useless. It hit him like a blade stabbing into his chest. There weren't no way he could ever do that. The way Kaylee looked right into James' pale face and stayed still as he launched himself at her, crawled into her arms and held on tight.
He could play as many games with his son as he wanted, but James wouldn't ever need him like that, wouldn't ever grip so hard that his fingers left marks on his skin like it did Kaylee's, wouldn't ever look at him like he could chase away monsters.
"No hiding?"
Something hitched in Kaylee's throat and it sounded an awful lot like laughter.
"No baby." But it wasn't funny, Jayne saw it cross her face. "No more hiding, it's over."
He saw the melt down seconds before it happened, saw her crumble down and around their son, shaking as she did it. Even as he watched, James took his little chubby hands and crept them around her neck.
"'Cause of daddy." The little voice sounded so sure. "Daddy's gonna be big an' daddy's gonna be strong an' daddy's gonna save us."
Jayne felt the corner of his own eye twitch.
"No kid." He crouched down next to them. "I reckon your mama was strong enough to save you all by herself."
They were a bundle, all mixed up as one, but Jayne wrapped them in his arms and brought them up to his chest. He felt Kaylee's hand wrap around his waist and her head burrow into the side of his neck.
"But I reckon I'm here now an' she don't have to be so strong, no more."
When he looked up, Inara was gone.
James wouldn't leave Kaylee and Kaylee wouldn't leave Jayne.
There was no way in any hell spinning Mal was ever going to understand the workings of his crew. Dinner that night was an empty, quiet thing. He hadn't even noticed how much noise the little kid made until he wasn't there anymore.
"You should've seen her." He insisted. "Inara, she took that engine and she..."
"We heard." Volunteered Wash.
"Loud and clear." Agreed Zoe.
"She was all..." He gestured. "With the... and then she..."
"The roof was gone." River said. "And there were no boundaries."
He could see Inara smile and it was the kind of smile that said she agreed with River, the one that said they knew something he didn't. That smile irked him.
"It sounds like a very charged atmosphere." She said instead.
"It was." He agreed. "But that don't explain why she's gotta go shut herself up now."
"Mal." Her voice was soft and so were her fingers as they rested over his. "I don't think she's been allowed to feel powerful for a long time."
Kaylee's fingers run around the inside of the hole. It's so small, barely the size of her fist, right through the door of her daddy's shop. Her home now. It lies too low to be from anyone but a child. It could be her imagination, but she thinks she can hear the light sound of a giggle in the distance.
She bites her lip.
-They don't understand, Miss Frye.-
He still won't call her anything else, so desperately hanging on to that last little bit of politeness, after everything.
-Geoffrey.- She straightens up, stands and blinks up into the sun. Something catches her eye. -What happened?-
His face flinches back from her, but she catches it anyway, angles it so that she can see the florid bruise that's sprouting there. So many colors over a pale, timid face.
-It ain't nothin'.- But he won't meet her eyes. -Some of the guys just got rowdy, is all.-
-C'mere, sit.- She guides him into what's left of the shop. -Now, you tell me what happened.-
Geoffrey eyes the room, the bare walls, the shelves that have been stripped bare, everything gone, used up, bartered, leached of any meaning. There's nothing left that resembles a mechanic work shop, not even the forgotten carcasses of machines. Everything has a possible use and she's found it.
The only color left is that found in James' bed, his blankets and pillows and whatever clothes she'd found. Kaylee made that trek once and once only. Hauling James all the way out to the farmhouse, picking through the remains, loading up a bag of his things and a small bag of her clothes.
She hasn't gone back and she hasn't thought about it since.
-They was just talking, is all.-
-Really?- She knows she should stop there, should just leave it, but it eats at her and she can't stop pressing it. -About what?-
His face screws up.
-They say he's got secret rooms under the ground.- It's a hot, boiling rush of gossip. -That he's got a working a cortex link and could've had ships out here a week ago, that he keeps them away on purpose. That he's got rooms and rooms of food that he won't share. A mule and enough gas to ride over the desert to the next town.-
-And he breathes fire!- She whispers back. -He's got horns on his head and he eats little babies for fun. Geoffrey, he ain't nothin' but a man, a bully of a man who lost his wife and sons. He don't have secret rooms or cortexes. He wants to get out of here, same as you and me.-
-But he's got things!-
Not even Kaylee can deny that.
-You got in a fight over this?- She sees him blush all the way down his neck. -What else did they say?-
-They don't understand, Miss Frye.- He's pleading again. -I tried to tell them, I did. But they... they just don't think. They don't understand why you just won't give him what he wants. Even for your boy. Everything would be easier, better, for everyone. Why don't you just do it?-
He's so very careful to distance himself from the speakers, she can hear it, but they're questions she knows he's asked himself. He must have. Kaylee's asked herself that over and over again.
-Would you?- Two soft words and he gasps at her.
-But I'm a boy! He don't want...-
-I know that, Geoffrey.- She looks him in the eye, forces him to look back at her. -But would you? To put food into other peoples' mouths, to make it easier on them? Would you do it?-
He turns to look at James, sitting towards the back of the store, hands gripping his toys, but eyes never leaving them.
-No, Miss Frye, I wouldn't.-
She lets it out in a breath, a sigh of relief. It doesn't matter how many holes they kick in her door, how many whispers she hears behind her back, or how many faces turn away when she steps outside, it doesn't matter one whit.
When she's alone with her son, she makes him laugh and he does the same for her. When there's no one else about, she makes voices for his toys, she tickles his belly, she chases him around the tables and listens to his squeals of delight.
And when James looks into her eyes, Kaylee doesn't flinch.
"You wanna tell me what that was all about?"
No, Kaylee really didn't think she did.
James had fallen asleep, fingers curling into her hair, tugging gently, claiming her as he always did. Cheek creased as he pushed it into her collar, little limbs clinging tight even in sleep.
They laid him out in his bed and she'd made sure that Serenity was in easy reach, made sure they never left his sight were he to wake up.
For his part, Jayne had been quiet, letting her cry herself out. She had to stop breaking down in his arms, it was getting embarrassing.
He'd been nothing but patient and she owed him for that. Couldn't ever tell him how much. There was something achingly good about having him there that she hadn't thought about in years, hadn't let herself think about.
His body was large and solid and she felt safe with it.
"It was hard..."
"You said that already." She didn't want to look in his eyes, she knew he deserved more than she'd given him. "Kaylee, our boy has his very own box for hidin' in, you wanna tell me why?"
It wasn't Inara's shuttle, there wasn't furniture and silk draping and decorations. There was just blank walls, James' bed and her own. She looked at her hands as they sat down on the bed.
"It was safer that way. To keep him out of sight."
She didn't need to look up to feel him tense next to her.
"You told me no one hurt him, Kaylee, you said no one hurt you."
It weighed down on her, the terror of the attack, burying bodies upon bodies, faceless corpses of people she knew, the months after, the feeling of eyes watching her, of people feeling betrayed by her choices, people resentful of everything she did or didn't do.
How could that not hurt her? But it wasn't what he meant and she knew it.
"I said I didn't let them."
The silence grew between them, billowed out and threatened to crush her.
"Jayne?" He was shaking when she looked up. "Jayne? Say something?"
Her eyes couldn't move away from his neck, the tendons stood out through his skin. Clear and marked, they pulled out, stressed the tension in his shoulders and jaw.
She didn't want to let her eyes drop down, didn't want to see his hands clenched in fists, the veins of his arms popping out. Large, strong hands that could hold her up, that had touched her once, traced patterns on her body, pushed her hard when she'd asked for it, gentled her when he'd thought she was asleep.
Large, strong hands that could wrap around her throat, forearms so thick they could crush her windpipe.
Kaylee felt safe with Jayne. She didn't want to look.
"You tell me." He managed. "You tell me what happened."
Laughter bubbles up from her throat and she can't contain it, just lets it flow up and out as she tries not to trip over her own feet.
-Daddy.- She sighs when she can breathe again. -You ain't never told Ma that joke.-
-Too right I ain't never told your Ma, you needn't either.-
Kaylee hefts James on her hip as an afterthought.
-You ready for tonight? You're not gonna be late, are you?-
His fingers scratch at his chin for just a second, as if he's really considering, really trying to make a decision. But she can see the glint in his eyes, the warmth.
-That depends now, you and your Mama make that cake?-
She grins.
-Exactly how you like it.-
-Well then, long as I get a piece, ain't nothin' gonna stop me seeing this one's first birthday.-
-I don't know how much'll be left.- She teases as she gestures to the spoon in her son's hand. -He ain't let that thing go since Ma let him lick the icing off. We'll be lucky he leaves the silver on it.-
Her daddy laughs.
-That's my grandson, he likes his chocolate...-
It's funny, the things that stick in a person's memory. Kaylee will always remember the way they turn together, her and her daddy, faces angled up to the sky, twin expressions of confusion and worry on their faces.
-That's not right...- He begins.
-Ship's in trouble.- She finishes.
It's hard and piercing and painful, her daddy's sudden grip on her elbow.
-Come on!- He doesn't give her time to think. -Run, Kaylee!-
-What?- She struggles to keep her hold on James. -Daddy?-
Her foot stumbles in the dust.
-Get up!- He yells at her. -Over here, to the Meers'!-
The Meers, her brain buzzes over the name, trying to find a connection, any reason as to why her daddy is dragging her over there. Something nags at the back of her brain, something about the first month she was here, the way her daddy showed her over the town again, re introduced her to everyone.
They have a vault in the back, she remembers, but that's only for emergencies. No one uses it for anything. There are several of them around the town, little hidden rooms. She can't remember if they were ever mentioned again in all the months since.
There's a strange whizzing sound and Kaylee turns to look at it. Her eyes don't know what they're seeing, a dark mass sliding down a rope, but her ears hear the sudden screaming and pain.
-Daddy?- He pushes them into a building. -What about Ma? Daddy!-
-I'm goin' to get her.-
But it's a lie. Kaylee knows it. Her daddy knows it. She turns around to search for him, to grab at him, one hand clutching James and the other reaching out.
-Daddy!-
-You stay there!- He yells at her, but she can barely see him anymore, there are tears and other people in her way. -I love you, Kaylee!-
And then he's gone, lost in a surge of panic, and Kaylee is pressed back, pulled along and her body turns pliant, she allows herself to be shoved into the small room.
It's in the sudden silence of it that James begins to cry.
-Hey.- She jumps when there's a voice near her, his breath rank and rotten. -You keep that brat quiet, you hear me?-
Kaylee nods, eyes wide.
-You shut him up.- He shoves something at her side and waits until her free hand closes over it. -Or I will shut him up for you, do you understand?-
She keeps nodding, closing her eyes so she can't see anything. It doesn't help. There are still screams on the outside, the horrible, tearing sound of flesh and terror.
-This ain't a game, little girl.- They're only whispers, but they feel like they're going to scald the skin right off her neck. -Those're reavers out there, you know it? They find us an' we're all dead, baby or not.-
Dead. Kaylee's hand presses the cloth over James' mouth. Dead, just like her daddy who pushed them into this vault and then turned back to fight. James struggles for several long, excruciating seconds. Dead, just like her momma who was stayin' at home and too far to go back for.
-Scared?-
Kaylee hisses as her head is pulled back, fingers twisting painfully in her hair. She has to bite down on her tongue to stop herself from making any sound. Her hands cover the body she has scooped against her.
-Who's sacred, little girl? It ain't me.-
-No, no, no.- Becca's voice is little more than a moan as she shakes her head back and forth. Kaylee remembers her walking down the street with a younger sister. -No, no.-
They all fall quiet and the hands slide away from her hair. Kaylee stands up straight.
-Miss Frye, huh?- But it starts again soon enough. -You're little baby Frye? Yeah, I heard you was back some time ago. So you ain't married to his daddy, then?-
She rolls her shoulders along the wall, twists them so that she can turn away and ignore him. It doesn't help, his voice comes, hot and sticky at the back of her neck.
-You even know who the daddy is? Or did ya just lose count? Was that it? He a town baby?-
James whimpers and twists against her. She hefts him up closer to her chest.
-Well, don't that beat all? An unwed mama?- Kaylee doesn't feel the finger that trails down her spine, she doesn't. -Loose and available. Two things I like in a woman.-
-They're dead, they're dead, they're all dead.- Becca whispers it over and over, rocking back and forth, she's been whispering it for hours now and her voice is getting higher. -They're all dead.-
-Shh.- Kaylee hums it between her lips, alternating between her and James in her arms as he gnaws compulsively on the biscuit she shoved at him from the bare supplies to keep him quiet. -It's gonna be fine. Shh.-
-Shut the hell up.- Whispers the voice behind her. -You're gonna get us killed, kid!-
-They're dead!-
-Geoffrey.- Kaylee pleads. -Do something? Okay? You're closest. Calm her down.-
-Anybody goes out there now and they'll be ripped apart, poked more'n a half price whore. They're not waitin' for food, no more, they've eaten. They just wanna play now.-
-Please.- She begs. -Just stop.-
-They're dead, they're dead!- Becca's voice rises again, perilously close to be audible outside their sanctuary. -And we're next! They're gonna...-
-Boy!- An arm pushes past her and catches Geoffrey on the side of his head. Kaylee's face is pressed into the wall and she hollows her body to protect her son. -You shut her up.-
Becca starts screaming.
There's no room in here, no room, and she can feel everything. She feels his body slide around hers, feels the impact of him grabbing Becca, feels the thud of Becca's head hit the wall.
-Aaiy-eee.- Her name is a gurgle and a hand reaching towards her, fingernails scratching at the wall. -Elll-meee.-
Kaylee slides down, her knees won't hold her up anymore.
-You shut up.- The voice hisses. -You hear me, girl? Shut the hell up!-
James lies in the cradle of her thighs, head on her knees, and she bends over him, rocking back and forth. The faster she moves, the less she'll hear it, that strangled, garbled choking sound.
The shudder of a foot scrambling next to her.
-Aaiy-eee!-
Kaylee bends her head, pushes it into James' belly as they rock, his hands come around her head, fingers twisting in her hair. She's grateful for the sting of it, the feel of pulling, the tearing of her scalp.
Her fingers cover his mouth, fingers pressing his lips tight into his teeth.
-Shh.- She hums it. -Shh, baby.-
Fourteen, her brain tells her. Becca is fourteen. Fourteen years old, nails scratching at the arm that pins her neck to the wall and drawing blood. Fourteen, eyes bulging out of her head. Fourteen, teeth biting down on the hand that gags her. Fourteen, with little choking gasps.
Fourteen, and with a loud, audible crack everything goes quiet.
There's no more noise.
"He killed her."
Jayne didn't know how she kept talking like that, her voice not even wavering. He knew bigger, tougher men who'd cry for less. But Kaylee was just reciting the words like she was reading off a shopping list.
"Just like that." She shifted her shoulders. The last thing Jayne would have called it would be a shrug. "She died, asking me to help her."
A very tense, pain filled shopping list.
"Kaylee." He said it into the top of her head. "You did what you had to, you kept our son safe."
"And that makes it okay?"
He didn't have the answer to that, there was nothing he could say. There was only one thing he knew how to do and no way in hell was that gonna help Kaylee. He brushed the back of her shoulders.
"C'mon, I gotta get up."
But she didn't let go, she tightened her arm around his waist.
"Kaylee, please, you gotta let me up."
"Jayne." Her voice was low and he could hear many things in it, warning, fear. "Jayne, where are you going?"
"Just going. I'll be back." He inched himself off the bed. "'Til then? Our boy wakes up, you keep him in this shuttle. You hear me?"
"Jayne?"
But he was already half way to the door.
"How late are we gonna be?"
Wash looked at the charts in front of him.
"Won't be more than a day out. We didn't stop that long."
"Cap'n? You there?"
A small voice came over the com and Mal picked it up.
"Kaylee?"
"You gotta stop him, Cap'n." She said and Wash could see Mal cursing under his breath. "Don't let him do nothin' stupid."
"I got it."
They didn't have much time.
"Wash?" They heard him before they saw him. "Wash!?"
"Now, Jayne." Mal met him at the door to the bridge. "You calm down, do you hear me?"
Wash never claimed to be the smartest man alive, hell, he never claimed to be the smartest man aboard the ship. One thing he knew, one thing he knew well, when Jayne got that look in his eyes, he kept his head down and didn't make eye contact. Just looked at the controls.
"This ain't the time, Mal."
"Oh, now's the perfect time... I... Jayne!"
Wash braved a look back at them. He nearly fell out of his chair when he saw Mal being thrown out of the door, forced out by his shoulders, Jayne not even blinking, just pushing him out and locking the door.
"Oh, god." He turned back to the console and kept his head down. "I'm not changing course, you can't make me, I'm not changing course."
"Wash?" Footsteps echoed all the way up to his chair. "This thing have a pilot flight log or somethin'?"
"Huh?" That made him look up. "What do you want...?"
"April 20." Jayne growled as he sat down. "Tell me what we were doin'."
Then it clicked.
"Oh, Jayne, come on, do you really want to know?"
"I ain't askin, little man."
"We were..." The screen came to life as he pressed the buttons. "We were on Boros. Stayed two days. That was..."
Wash let his words trail off.
"Monty's cargo." Jayne's teeth gritted. "Got paid well for that."
There weren't many jobs they stayed on planet for, not many chances to have much time off ship. Wash remembered the little tavern they all had a drink in, even Simon and River left Serenity to celebrate a little good fortune. They'd laughed well that night, drinking heavily. He and Zoe had had some time together, just the two of them. And Jayne...
"Don't do this to yourself." He said.
Jayne leaned over double, his face bowed down over his knees as his arms stretched up, holding the console. Wash could see how red his skin was, saw the tension in it.
"You didn't know."
"With a whore." Came the answer, strangled out of a clenched jaw. "With a gorram whore."
"It's not your fault, Jayne."
It started as a growl, low and dangerous, then it grew into a yell as Jayne's muscles bunched. His feet lifted up and slammed down hard.
"Jayne!" Wash said again. "Listen to me, you couldn't have stopped it."
"What do you know?" Jayne looked up and Wash nearly flinched at the look in his eyes. "What the hell do you know about it?"
Nearly, but he held his ground.
"You want to know where I was when Zo and Mal were lying in ditches, covered in mud and bodies?" He had to control his breath. "I was on a drinking binge with my buddies from flight school. What a lark, great fun, fond memories."
The tension in Jayne wasn't lessening, but he could see a small spark of reason growing behind his eyes.
"There's nothing I can do to change what happened, Jayne. I wish there was. There's nothing I wouldn't give to go back and change whatever it is that gives her those nightmares."
Wash looked over at Jayne.
"And don't you ever tell her I told you that, 'cause she'll kill me." Jayne nodded his agreement. "Possibly with a pinkie. I don't even know if she meant her own. Just 'a pinkie', that's all she said."
Off track, Hoban, he thought, now is not the time for your lethal pinkie in a drawer theory.
"But there's nothing I can do, except help her through the now. And that's all you can do, too." He saw the set of Jayne's jaw. "And going back won't help her, either. She got herself out of there, don't drag her back just to make yourself feel better."
It was a long time before Jayne stood up.
"Thanks Wash."
Mal sat at the table. He couldn't think as the crashes echoed through the ship. Loud, consistent, even, they made him wonder. He didn't want to wonder. He was quite happy not wondering. Especially if that's what the answers did.
Simon, River and Book sat playing cards. He didn't think any of them were concentrating on the game.
Zoe came to sit next to him. She carried a pair of strong, dark goggles and a blow torch.
"You planning on renovating?"
"Yes."
It was a simple enough answer. Mal breathed in.
"I'll help."
They sat and waited for Jayne to leave his bunk.
"Jayne!" She knew who it was before she even looked up. Everybody else knocked before they came in, too nervous to take a misstep. "Are you okay?"
Kaylee had paced the shuttle for over an hour, waiting for him.
"I'm fine."
He stood there and his eyes said something different, something as hoarse as his voice, but she didn't argue. She just took his hands, carefully, and led him to a space she'd cleared on the floor.
"Thought we might need this."
She gave him a soft smile as they knelt on the ground and she gently laid his hands in the large bowl. The water was still warm and even as she watched, his blood spiraled up, branched out, leaked away from the swollen and split knuckles.
He didn't say anything as she tended to him and she didn't force it. Simon had brought her the supplies from the infirmary and she hadn't had to ask why.
"He still sleepin'?" He asked eventually.
"Yes." It was a quick answer, sure, like he needed. "Once he's down, he's a heavy sleeper. Just like you."
It was a glimmer of hope she saw spark at the corner of his lips at that. Then it was gone and he sighed.
"Okay, I'm ready." She swallowed when he spoke. "Ready to hear the rest."
With every word she spoke, Kaylee could feel him getting more tense. She felt the anger in him, felt the way his movements grew tighter and more controlled. With every grind of his jaw, she felt herself being pushed further towards the edge.
The edge of what, exactly, she wasn't sure, she just knew she wasn't ready for it.
It wasn't up to her, though, he had asked her outright and he deserved an answer, whether he liked what he heard or not.
She'd had two years to think about him, to think about everything that had happened, why she'd left and why she might want to come back. Two years of the space she'd been looking for, the distance that had let her see things from a different angle.
Long nights spent with her hands cradling her swollen, distorted belly as it jumped and kicked at her, fingers playing chase with the lumps of feet that pushed out of her skin, hours wondering what Serenity was doing, wishing she could know.
Wishing she could come back, even if it was just to say sorry.
Sorry to Simon for dragging him through that. Sorry to everyone for being blind and making mistakes. Sorry to Jayne for not realizing earlier what had happened. For not seeing earlier that Inara had been right.
All those times she'd gone to him, pushed him to remain as distant as he could, and every time he was trying to be closer. Giving her exactly what she'd asked for without taking what he needed.
That realization had come to her too late, too late to turn around and agree with him. To tell him that she missed his hands on her, that she missed the feel of him against her, but most of all, she missed him. Feeling him wrap himself around her while she slept, the soft, gentle things he'd slip in when he thought she wouldn't notice.
Jayne was big and violent, had keen fighting skills and keener urges, but that wasn't everything about him. The more she'd looked, the more she'd seen and it ached that she'd missed it when she had the chance.
Somewhere along the way, she'd managed to convince herself that her memories were clouded, tinged just a little bit rosy with her loneliness. There was no way Jayne, in reality, could have been as sweet at times as she thought, no way that he really made her feel the things that ghosted through her veins when she thought of him.
It was an echo, a desire, the longing for something that was opposite to the reality she'd lived, that was what she'd convinced herself. She hadn't wanted him, so much as she'd wanted anything that wasn't what she had.
She hadn't even been back more than a few days before that theory had been shattered. Pulverized every time Jayne's skin touched hers. Large hands, yes, but so gentle.
And she didn't know how to tell him that, either, tell him that it caused an ache in her, curling deep low in her belly just to lie down next to him, the need to inch closer and close his arms around her.
So she sat awkwardly on the bed, her knees jutted towards his and her hands clenched tight, pressed between her kneecaps, pushing hard enough to leave bruises, to feel the grind of her knuckles give way.
Easier, just to describe in a monotone the days and weeks after, not allowing her voice to feel anything, because if it did then so would she and she'd break down again.
It was so easy to be weak when she didn't have to be strong.
How cold and distant it sounded, the way she described it, the weeks of meager rations, of starving herself so James could eat more, of slender, cutting threats disguised as propositions, as easy choices from a voice that made her insides scream. Vague, useless words that said nothing of the anger and suspicion and paranoia of people she'd once thought her friends. The finality with which people could turn when their own survival depended on it.
People always said that a problem shared was a problem halved, that when you said the words out loud, it became easier. Kaylee knew they were full of it. She was sitting next to proof otherwise.
The more she said, the worse Jayne felt, and she certainly didn't feel any better or easier for it.
"An' he's still there, is he?"
That edge came rocketing up to meet her.
"Jayne, please, don't..."
"Don't?" He was ready to boil over, she could feel it. "Kaylee, how can you ask...?"
"Please, Jayne." She kept her voice low and steady, her eyes pleading with him. "It's over now, we're safe, me an' James, it don't matter anymore."
"It don't matter?" He stood up and she didn't move. "Don't matter? I wanna..."
"I know what you want to do." Her eyes followed him as he paced back and forth. "But he's gone."
Jayne stopped in the middle of his pace and turned to look at her. She felt the flush rise up her neck.
"I mean, there were ships landing all over the place when Mal came for me." Rushed, hurried words. "He wouldn't stay there no more than I would've. He's probably far away by now. I'm not going back, Jayne, not for you, not for anyone."
It must have been the steel in her voice that made him deflate like that.
"You gotta understand." His hands shook as he came up to her. "You're tellin' me all this stuff and it makes me wanna do somethin', Kaylee, makes me wanna go back an'..."
"I know." She reached out and took one of his hands. "I get it, I do..."
"But you keep tellin' me there's nothin' I can do!"
He tried to pull out of her grasp and she wouldn't let him, kept her fingers tight around his as she looked up. Standing, he was taller than her, towered over her, but when she was sitting down, he seemed impossibly big.
"Don't you get it?" She hoped he would listen. "You're already doing it."
"But..." He got it, she could tell, he was just being stubborn.
"We need you here." Kaylee swallowed. "I need you here."
The words sounded so strange after so long.
It smelled like hot iron ore and week old jock strap.
"What the hell you think he does down here?"
"Honestly, Sir?" Zoe exhaled as she lowered the blow torch. "I don't want to know. Let's just fix this."
Mal looked at her, Zoe with one knee wedged on Jayne's bed and her other foot planted firmly on the ground.
"Can I ask you a question?" He watched her sigh as she lowered the torch even further. "Why? Why'd you want to come here and mend all the damage he just did?"
"Kaylee talked to Inara, didn't she?" She must have seen the look on his face. "At least, we assume she did. And she's obviously talking to Jayne. It won't be long before she and River are close again, I'm not sure why they're not now, unless River's just giving her space."
"Your point being?"
"She's not going to come to me, is she, Sir?" Zoe's fingers twitched over the controls. "She doesn't need to. Plenty of others on the ship can help her more. Doesn't mean I don't want to help in my own way."
There was a brief second of understanding between them, a quick journey into space they didn't allow between them. Uncertainty and reassurance. Then Mal smiled again.
"I knew there was a reason I kept you around, Zoe Washburne."
She snapped the goggles back into place around her eyes.
"Because you can't shoot worth a damn and your interpersonal skills are sadly lacking?"
"Exactly."
"'Course I'm here."
It was one thing to see him control his anger, to push it down, keep it under the surface because he didn't want her to see it. It was something else entirely to see it just drain away as he looked at her.
Kaylee didn't really care where the anger went, she was just curious to know what had replaced it.
"That there is my son an' I don't plan on goin' anywhere else."
She dropped his hand and watched it float before her face. Of course. His son. She should have known that. Should have seen it. It was right, that was how it was supposed to be and that was why she'd come back.
Jayne Cobb was nothing if not protective of his family.
There was absolutely no reason to feel the little flutter of disappointment inside her stomach. Of course he didn't feel the same way that he did two years before. She'd left him, she'd made it brutal and final.
She hadn't been part of his life for more than a few months and even then she'd made a point of keeping herself apart from him. Maybe he'd grown to believe that over time. There'd been nothing to tell him different.
And she only had herself to blame.
"Please don't do nothin' stupid, Jayne." She had to get herself back on track. "I only told you so's you'd know. An' now you do, I don't need nothin' else. I don't need you to go ridin' off to be a hero."
"Ain't nothin' heroical about me, Kaylee." The pain in his eyes cut at her. "You should know that better than most."
"What are you talkin' about? 'Course you..."
"I don't feel it." He broke in. "I feel like a ruttin' niao ma for not doin' nothin'."
The circle went on and on. She couldn't take it, she couldn't fight him back for too much longer. He was going to wear her down. She knew it.
"I don't want this." It was like frustration as she let herself fall back, head bouncing lightly off the bed. "I don't want to keep doing this."
"Then what?" The mattress dipped. "You tell me what you want, Kaylee, an' I'll do it."
A bitter little laugh choked up through her throat.
"Isn't that what started this whole thing?"
"Tell me what to do."
Kaylee sighed.
"Stay. With me. Tonight." She felt his hesitation before she saw it. "Not like that, not... Just be here."
He filled the space next to her, rolling onto his back so that they both looked up to the ceiling. Heat from his bare arm radiated up through the skin of her elbow.
She didn't think he'd ever been further away.
Little footsteps echoed through the shuttle. A small, wooden ship made its way onto the bed, followed by arms and legs and a sleep tussled head. There was no sound, except the slight whistle of air coming out of the man's nose. And a high, whispered voice.
"Mama?" His small hand came out to push at her shoulder. "Mama? Daddy's sleepin'."
There was no answer and James screwed his face up in concentration as he turned to look down at the man lying next to her, at the large hand resting just over his mama's shoulder.
"Got a daddy, James." He echoed the words as they'd been told to him over and over. "Real nice daddy."
He'd never been a shy man, Jayne Cobb, he'd slept with many women in his life. Not just in the biblical sense, but actually slept side by side with 'em. He liked it, it felt right to have a warm body next to his.
And he'd remembered the shape of Kaylee, couldn't ever forget it.
But, unless she'd grown some weird shapes since she'd been gone, that weren't Kaylee next to him as he drifted up from sleep.
Jayne cracked his eyes open to see the little bundle that had snuck between him and Kaylee in the middle of the night. That he could deal with. Made him smile to himself as he closed his eyes again.
Maybe he didn't need to wake up just yet.
"Daddy ow."
"Yes." Simon couldn't do anything but agree. "He did, didn't he?"
Jayne bit his lip and pouted as he strapped the knuckles of Jayne's left hand, but didn't say anything. He'd heard the commotion the night before, guessed what was happening and had taken some ointment and basic weaves to Kaylee. That was when he'd thought it might have been minor damage.
The mess in front of him made Simon wince.
"I would suggest taking it easy..."
"But we're gonna play ball." Jayne protested. "Got the hoop out an' everything."
"Which is why I'm strapping your hands with extra pressure." He continued. "I didn't think you'd say no."
"Yeah? Well." Jayne grinned. "Can't let you get ahead, can we? You're just sore I beat you all those times in a row."
"Four." Simon was quick to point out. "It's only been four. We won the game before that."
"'Cause Wash was shot." Jayne added. "You can't go countin' that game."
The ease of it fell over the room, Simon felt it, the familiar teasing. Like it had been the week before, the camaraderie they'd worked so hard to get over the last few years.
"I'm not discounting anything." Simon kept his head up straight. "We're taking that win."
His hands tied off the last of it, waved Jayne away from the bench.
"Yeah, you would." Simon watched him take James out of Kaylee's hands with ease, saw the two of them head off out of the infirmary. "C'mon kid. I'm gonna show you how to be on the winnin' team."
Simon looked at his hands for a second, holding the remnants of a bloodied bandage. He wasn't expecting Kaylee's hands to take it away from him, to help him pack things away.
"They're getting along well."
"Yeah." Kaylee smiled. "Seems like everyone is."
"Yes." He agreed. "I suppose they are."
Sometime in the past two years, he'd obviously learned a valuable lesson, because he stopped himself adding that everyone had gotten along well after she'd left. His brain happened to catch that, it hadn't sounded hurtful in his head, hadn't meant to be, but he knew how she'd take it.
"It's nice." He could tell she was hinting at something, talking in circles. "It's just real good bein' back and seein' everyone like this again."
"It's nice having you back." He had to say it, even if it made her blush. "You were missed, Kaylee, sorely. It wasn't the same without you."
"It's not the same now." She laughed and he tried not to notice it was tinged just a little bit. "Everything changes when you got a kid. An' I know how stupid that sounds, I mean, of course it does. But..."
"Kaylee, you're doing wonderfully." He smiled as he took the last bandage from her and put it away. "Even if I hadn't seen James, I'd know that. You couldn't be anything but a wonderful mother."
She did smile then, bright and genuine.
"It makes me wonder." He gestured to the door and they both started out. "How I could possibly have missed noticing you when you were there."
"I am sorry, Simon."
"Nonsense." He assured her. "There's nothing to be sorry for."
Inara felt her fingers tighten over the handle of the cup. Fine, delicate china that usually sat in the palm of her hand, rested there lightly as she guided it up to her lips. Usually.
Her face remained passive and she supposed it didn't matter so much if all her tension drained into the item in her hand. As long as it didn't show. She'd broken one of her strict, self imposed rules by taking the set out of her shuttle.
Some things were more important than rules.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Kaylee."
Now she understood why Jayne had split his knuckles, why Mal and Zoe had repaired the inside of his bunk without question. She understood, because Inara could feel the injustice of it rise and threaten to boil over.
The guild had ways of quietly, discreetly dealing with men who pushed the boundaries and it would only take one word spoken to the right person to make it happen. If she had a name, if she thought for one second it would help Kaylee.
"I keep tellin' myself that, 'Nara." She watched Kaylee fumble with her own cup, the china rattling off the plate. "I do. An' sometimes I believe it."
"You should believe it." She insisted. "Because it's true."
Jayne had come to her earlier, knocking at the door of her shuttle, nervous and agitated. She'd had to ease the words out of him, cajole him into telling her what he wanted.
And while Inara could see how much the whole thing was hurting him, how much he would do for both Kaylee and James, she had to agree with his statement that he was ill equipped to help Kaylee deal with her feelings, that he had no idea what to do with what she'd told him.
Inara didn't think she knew what to do with it.
"It don't matter." Kaylee sighed. "Really, 'cause look at them. That's what matters."
They sat side by side, drinking a sweet infusion of fruit tea. As carelessly as if it were a summer afternoon and their feet weren't dangling down off the catwalk and into the cargo bay, narrowly being missed by the people below.
People running, dodging other people, chasing a ball from one end to the other. In the middle of them, Jayne roared his triumph at scoring another goal. It was a moment she could see Kaylee storing away, bright eyes watching clearly as James clung to his back.
His little voice cheering along with his father.
"It does matter." Inara kept insisting. "You were strong all the way through, mei mei, where many wouldn't have been. That's admirable."
"I didn't feel too strong."
It hurt to see Kaylee so weary.
"You need to realize how very strong you were." Inara sipped carefully. "From what you said, he was a weak man, a frightened man who did what all insecure, frightened rodents do when they're trapped. He lashed out at something bigger and stronger than him to make himself feel better."
Kaylee bit her lip and the china rattled even harder. It was the first time Inara had seen any sign of anger in her.
"Then I wish I'd been weak." It was a quiet hiss. "So's he wouldn't have seen me at all."
She reached out and tucked an imaginary lock of hair behind Kaylee's ear.
"No you don't." The head bowed under her touch. "Because your son needed you."
"I failed him, 'Nara." She could remember Kaylee's voice so full of life and laughter, in stark contrast to the anguish she heard just then. "It was all for James an' I couldn't even do that right."
"Listen to me." She made her voice firm. "Kaylee, you didn't fail anyone. You didn't give into that man, you didn't take the easy way out. You stayed strong and we're all proud of you for that, especially your son. That's what makes you strong, you didn't give in."
Inara felt the sob being swallowed before Kaylee looked up, her eyes dotted with tears.
"Yes I did."
Jayne let one hand come up and cover the tiny ones that clung to his neck. It felt good, the weight on his back, the little knees that dug into his ribs. There was something just right about it.
He brought his other hand up behind him to adjust James.
"We just about finished?" Mal panted.
"Winning Ball!" James cheered.
Jayne chanced a look up to the catwalk, he'd been keeping a stray eye on Kaylee and Inara all through the game. They'd both looked pretty serious, talking quietly between themselves, but he'd expected that.
He watched Inara abandon her china and scoop Kaylee up, guiding her gently, but firmly into her shuttle and closing the door. Something tightened in his jaw.
"Nah." He forced a grin and turned back. "I reckon we can go a little more."
Kaylee screws her mouth to the side, hoping that the more she looks inside the box, the quicker a solution will come. It doesn't. There's no other way to say it.
She doesn't have enough food.
Her eyes flick over to the trunk in the back of the room. James has been sleeping for hours now and when he wakes up, he's going to be hungry. It's harder to say no to him than it is to herself.
She doesn't need to eat today. She can wait. Word has been spreading around town of a ship flying through atmo. It won't be long before someone lands. Everyone says so. Not long at all.
Slowly, carefully, she closes the lid, shoves the box to the back of a shelf and covers it with a tattered, shredded rag that used to be a blanket.
-Stocks getting low?-
His voice startles the air out of her lungs and she spins to meet him. Her heart won't stop pounding blood through her veins, rushed and loud. She hates the fear he sets off in her, hates the way she can't ever seem to get hold of herself when he's there.
-What are you doing here?-
She mostly hates the way he chuckles. Like they're having a friendly conversation, like he has every right to be there, smiling at her.
-Just came to check on you.- The smile sets on his face, easy, he's getting too comfortable. -Things're getting pretty tense lately.-
That's an understatement if she's ever heard one.
-I'm fine.- But the shaking in her voice says otherwise. -Really, I'm good. You can go now.-
His eyes flicker up and down, running over every inch of her. Kaylee wants to scrub her skin with boiling water.
-How's your boy? I ain't seen him around for a while.- The interest in his voice makes her sick. -I thought you were doin' such a fine job of lookn' after him. Don't tell me something... terrible... happened?-
She doesn't answer, just keeps her head up, looks him in the eye and waits for him to get whatever he came for out of his system so he can leave.
-Or, could it be?- His smile becomes predatory and she tries not to tremble. -You finally convinced someone else to take him in. But how? I know you didn't pay them, you don't have anything left.-
It's only a few steps before he's there, in front of her, and all she wants to do is run. Her skin screams with it. But she doesn't. She won't leave her son there.
-Did you use your considerable...- His hand comes up and she feels his skin, hot and clammy, touch the side of her jaw. -... charms?-
Kaylee slaps his hand away, feeling just a moment of secret triumph as the sound of skin connecting hard with skin rings out and he flinches.
-Don't touch me.-
Her hand is caught in a larger one, snap quick, fingers closing tight over her wrist as it's held in mid air. She can feel the bones inside push and grind together.
-Or what?-
Her teeth close down on the inside of her cheek as she struggles not to show how scared she is. She won't cry out loud for him. She won't. Her arm shakes with the effort to pull away.
-Let me go.-
His fingers uncurl, one by one, and the sudden rush of circulation is almost worse than the tight hold he had. She jerks her arm back and steps away from him. Trying not to see the red claw marks on her skin.
-Now, now.- It's soft, his voice, but there's nothing gentle about it. -Is that anyway to act 'round someone who's just brought you a present?-
-I don't want it.-
She says it without thinking, doesn't even give him time to finish what he was saying. He doesn't seem phased as he reaches into his pocket and then opens his hand.
-You sure about that, are ya?-
Kaylee can't breathe, something closes around her lungs and squeezes cruelly. He's holding out an anometric converter drive, letting it sit snugly in the palm of his proffered hand. Oh, so casual.
As if it wasn't the very thing she needed for a connection to the cortex, to make that call for help.
Kaylee can almost taste Serenity's recycled air.
-Keep it.- She manages.
-That's not nice.- He frowns. -You know what I had to go through to get this? You should be more grateful.-
He closes the distance between them and Kaylee backs up, feels the edge of the table dig into the tops of her thighs.
-Tell me, Mama Frye, what should all good girls and boys say when they get such a nice present?-
She sets her jaw and doesn't give him the satisfaction of an answer.
-Ta?-
Kaylee can't even blink for a second, her heart sinks as the little word echoes through the room. James knows to stay quiet, to stay out of sight, no matter what he hears. He knows it. But he's too good to let a simple question go unanswered.
Their eyes meet and his glisten.
-Now, that's interesting.- He looks behind her to search the room and she can see the second his eyes fall on the trunk. -Sounds to me like you been hiding things.-
-No.- Her head shakes the negation, but she's not sure what she's denying.
-Why would a nice girl like you hide such a sweet little boy like that?-
-Don't.- There's so very little space between them, she wants to crawl back over the table to get away. -Please...-
-Please?- His eyes look straight into hers and she knows. -That's not what I asked you to say, is it?-
Kaylee Frye is out of time.
-No.-
It's a little moan, the last of her hope as he grabs her hand and drags it up between them, fingers squeezing even tighter than before. She tries to keep her fist closed, tries to stop him forcing the little metal object between her fingers.
-Do you want it?- She tries to pull out of his grip, but he angles her arm down, hooks it under his elbow and she's stretched taut. -I think you do, don't you? You need it.-
Her teeth clench to keep the cry in.
-Yes.-
Immediately the pressure is gone, her arm is lowered, but he doesn't let it go. He catches her other hand and pushes them both back to the table behind her. She's pinned and he's everywhere.
-So?-
Her fingers go slack and she hears the crisp roll of metal over the table.
-Thank you.- Small voice, small words.
-Yeah.- He lets got of her left hand so he can lean in close and touch her cheek. -I always knew you could be a good girl.-
The drive stops its roll, sounding a metallic clink as it bounces, and Kaylee remembers a wrench lying on the table top. Her hand twitches, she can't stop it, and his eyes follow the path.
-No. Uh uh.- He shakes his head. -You ain't gonna hit me, are ya?-
-No?- Her voice rises in the end, spiked by the fear coursing through her.
It's sudden, too sudden to stop the small cry she gives as his hands come up and grab her shoulders, as he pulls her forward from the table and then pushes her away.
Her spine hits the wall, followed by her hips and then her skull. It takes her breath and she gasps as he follows her, hands catching up with her face and body pressing into hers.
-Good girls don't fight back, Mama Frye.-
His thumbs press hard into her cheek bones and she sucks her top lip between her teeth as her eyes burn. It's nothing, her brain screams at her, nothing. The ceiling above them needs to be repainted, she notes with desperation, her eyes seeking out the inevitable faults so she doesn't hear the small whimper come from across the room.
And, oh god, his hands slide down her neck, thumbs dragging down over her face and under her chin until she can feel his fingers circle her throat. She can't stop the whimper as the memory slams into her.
-You ain't gonna make a fuss, are you?-
She tries to shake her head, but she's frozen, she can barely suck air in through her windpipe, even though his fingers aren't pressing that hard. Hot, greasy, stained thumbs rubbing circles, connected to his hands.
Hands that held Becca like this, exactly like this.
-Are you?-
-No.- She grits out. -No.-
She's going to die and James is going to be left alone.
-And why?- He leans forward close enough to smell the side of her neck. -Why not?-
She needs to stay alive just a little bit longer, enough to get her son out of this.
-'Cause I'm grateful.- The words are like acid, tearing the flesh off her tongue as she speaks them. -'Cause you brought me a present.-
He buries his mouth in her neck, smoothes his hands over the front of her throat. Kaylee can hear him hum, can feel it in the rumble of his adam's apple against her collar bone.
-Yeah, I did.- He doesn't slide his hands lower, he doesn't. -And what does that mean?-
Her brain blanks out, refuses to help her, and she grinds the back of her skull into the wall.
-Hey.- He growls. -None of that. It means I won. That's what it means. Say it.-
-You... you...- The tears burn her eyes as they push through. -You won.-
In her head, she knows her shirt is loosening, knows the buttons slacken and fall away. She knows that's his mouth working over her neck, licking at her skin, sucking at her.
But she doesn't feel it as her hands open and close, fisting uselessly at her sides.
-Say it again.-
Strange, how easier the words get the emptier she allows herself to feel.
-You won.-
-Guess I did.- His teeth nip at a tendon in her neck and she hisses. -Now you start showin' me how very grateful you are.-
Companions choose their clients, Inara's voice hits her out of nowhere, that's Guild Law. Kaylee's hands force themselves up under his shirt, force themselves to touch the skin at the sides of his ribs. It's not about the money or the physical act of love, mei mei, that's just a small part of it, it's about sharing. True Companionship is about the two of you giving and receiving what you most need.
That must make her a common whore.
-Miss Frye! Miss Frye! There's a ship! There's a...-
Geoffrey comes to a sudden halt in the middle of the shop and stares at the two of them. His mouth goes slack. Kaylee brings her hands around and shoves at the man in front of her, pushes him away, before struggling to bring the edges of her shirt back up.
-You got bad timing, boy.- It's a low, threatening growl. -You better watch that.-
-You leave him.- Kaylee finds her voice as the heels of her hand try to dig away the tears in her eyes. -You leave him out of it.-
-I ain't finished with you, Mama Frye.- A finger points right at her and she feels herself shrivel. -I'll be back.-
And then he's gone. It's just her and Geoffrey and a small, keening whine coming from the back of the store. Kaylee rushes to the table and her eyes scan the top of it.
-Where'd it go?-
She drops to her knees and fumbles at the ground, sweeping her hand over the floor. Her fingernail catches and she nearly tears it off in her frustration.
-He took it! Gorram it, he took...-
-Miss Frye?- It's a soft voice that speaks next to her, a gentle hand that lands on her back. -What happened?-
She's already crying, she has been since before he'd entered, but Geoffrey makes her sob, makes her break down right there on her daddy's floor.
"Oh, Kaylee." Inara reached out and folded Kaylee into her arms. "Kaylee, that's horrible."
She didn't know what to say as Kaylee's hands snaked around her waist and held tight. They rocked back and forth and Inara stroked Kaylee's hair, ran her fingers through it.
"It's horrible, yes." She continued. "But that doesn't mean you gave in."
"Iduthntooo!"
"No." She kept her voice steady. "No, it doesn't."
She waited until Kaylee had calmed a little, until she could pull back and look into her eyes.
"You listen to me, what he did to you, everything he did, was his fault. Not yours." She couldn't tell if Kaylee was taking the words in. "You didn't do anything wrong and we're all still proud of you for surviving that."
Inara was even more grateful that Jayne had come to ask for her help, she couldn't imagine Jayne's reaction to the story that Kaylee had just told. It wouldn't be pretty, whatever he did.
"But I would have." Kaylee blushed as her eyes fell. "If Geoffrey didn't come in, I would have..."
"That wasn't a choice, mei mei. Even if you think it was."
It was the kind of advice that rang bitter inside Inara's head. She was trained in all forms of comfort and guidance, she knew what she should be saying, every Companion knew this side of it inside and out before they left the Training House.
She'd just never thought she'd be using this particular knowledge on Kaylee.
"He forced you into thinking it was, but it wasn't."
"I don't know." Kaylee was lost and she wasn't going to accept what Inara was saying. "It doesn't feel..."
"You were right about one thing, though."
Inara could see Kaylee's eyes widen and knew she had an audience.
"Companions do choose their clients. Choose being the important word there. Everything I do, everybody I do it with, is my choice. I make that decision." They weren't beautiful words, weren't the ones laid down in her training, but they applied. "Even a whore on the lowliest, most lawless of planets has more choice than you were given."
Kaylee shook her head, but Inara could see the idea take hold and that was all she needed for now.
"Do you think, for one moment, Simon or Mal or Jayne would force any woman to do what she didn't want to do? No real man would find pleasure in that."
She lifted Kaylee's chin and forced her to look up.
"You were strong, all the way through, you're still strong now."
It exhausted her. Talking to Inara like that, getting everything off her chest and crying. Kaylee always felt drained after an emotional outburst.
She barely had the energy to take James out of Jayne's arms, to bring him up to her chest and hold him there. It was a comfort, he would always comfort her, his tiny hands clinging to her neck and limbs surging around her.
Kaylee almost felt guilty knowing that James could feel her anguish and felt the need to cling to her so hard because of it.
"You okay?" Jayne laid a hand on the small of her back, warm and large.
"Yeah." She twisted with it, felt herself move with him. "Thank you, for making me do that."
James let himself be laid down on the small, cleared surface. Her heavy hands began to free his chubby little legs from his clothes, even tired beyond the point of reason, she would never cease being amazed at the delicate skin of her son, the way he let her move his body. The way he trusted her completely.
"Kaylee." Jayne scratched nervously at the back of his neck. "I wanted to help, you know I wanted, if I could have..."
She smiled, even as they both looked away, both turned away from the godawful smell in front of them.
"You are, I told you." Her hands moved by themselves, knew the dance well enough. "Jayne, just be here for your son."
"No. That ain't enough." It shocked her, made her gasp as she pinned fresh clothes on James. "Kaylee, I meant I wanna be here for you. For you."
Gorram it all to hell... she wasn't going to cry again.
Inara cried.
Alone in her shuttle, safe and clear from upsetting Kaylee and doing further damage, she cried. Her hands shook as she tried to fold... something, anything, a cloth that she could not have cared less about.
"That bad?"
"Don't you ever knock?" She turned, angry, ready to lash out. "Mal, don't you ever...?"
But his arms came around her and she couldn't speak anymore, just pushed uselessly against his chest.
"Shh." He whispered. "C'mon."
River lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling of her room. Her hand came up and she twisted the fingers in mid air, watched the different patterns they made, let her eyes become unfocused and blurred.
"Mei mei?" Simon floated in from the door. "Are you feeling alright?"
"Yes." She answered obediently.
"You've been quiet lately." His words were unnecessary, obvious to the point of stupidity, but they weren't what he wanted to say and he didn't know how, so she forgave them. "Will you be coming out soon?"
"Soon." She promised with an echo. "It's too raw right now. I can't deal with it."
Easy, vague words, but he would accept them.
"If you need anything..."
River's lips curled up into a wistful smile.
"Simon, I am fine. Let me be."
Soon, she'd promised him and she never broke her promises. She hadn't lied, Kaylee was too open, too desperate in her pain and grief. It wasn't her fault, she had to let it out, and River knew the heated, uncontrollable rush of it would pass. Sooner than they thought.
She knew the carefully restrained anger in Jayne would pass, too. The sudden surge of helplessness and responsibility, that would slowly ebb, drain away until he was left with the glow of family.
And everyone else would stretch and softly close around the ranks, adjust to the new life and lives on board, would take everything in stride.
Then River could be a River, the soft, flowing coil of herself, uninterrupted by the unintentioned surges of everyone else.
Until then, she let her fingers make strange shapes in the air above her face, let them wind in the spaces left free. She tried not to see the missing hand, the one stained with grease and the slightest tinge of hopelessness, of being thrust into a job not prepared for.
Zeph hadn't stayed long enough to do anything but hold her hand.
"Well." Wash grinned. "What do you think that was about?"
Zoe frowned at him.
"You need to ask that, husband, and we need to have a serious talk."
He watched with great amusement as she tried to jiggle the baby she held in her hands, holding James just underneath his armpits.
"He won't explode, you know."
"Yes." She smiled tightly. "Thank you, you're a great help."
"Oh, well." He smiled to himself as he swung the chair back to the console. "Have fun."
"Oh, Honey?" Came the growl behind him. "You wanna help me here?"
"What?" It was difficult to hold the laughter in, seeing her stricken expression. "He doesn't like me, we've established that fact. You're stuck with him."
"I clearly remember Jayne running in here and telling us both to watch him." A pause. "And he adores you."
Wash just raised his brow.
"James?" Zoe pleaded as she held him out to the pilot seat. "You like Wash, don't you? He's colorful, he has toys, and you're most likely at the same level of maturity."
"Hey!"
"Wash?" James asked. "An' So?"
"Show him the dinosaurs again."
"But he didn't..."
"Show him. Or you'll be a lonely, lonely man."
"Your call." He shot back, then reached for the toys on the console, gently nudging one towards James. "Hey, little man. This here is a stegosaurus, but you can call him steggy."
James screwed up his mouth as he eyed Wash and then the dinosaur in his hand. Wash held his breath, hoping that the resulting screech wouldn't be too loud.
"Teggy?"
"Yes." He grinned as he let go, watched James wrap his hand around the toy, before bringing up his own. "And this one is T-Rex! Rrrowwr!"
"Sweetie?" Zoe began. "That didn't go over so..."
But James had other ideas.
"Rowrrr!" The toys clashed. "Grrrrrr!"
"See, no." Wash frowned. "They don't growl, they roar. They're huge beasts, it's..."
"Teggy grrr." James insisted.
"Okay, okay." Wash conceded. "You win."
"I knew you two would get along." Zoe deposited James in Wash's lap, tapped her husband's head and smiled. "I have work to do."
"But...!" He called. "You can't leave me with..."
"Teggy grrrr!"
"Yeah? Well, T-Rex roars! Rrowrrr!"
"Have fun, you two."
"I made a mistake, Kaylee. A big one."
Jayne could see the confusion in her eyes as she stood there, waiting for him. He'd never been good at things like this. Never. That's why he usually left most of the speaking to other people, they usually said it for him.
"I shoulda told you before you left, but I didn't." He swallowed nervously. "I don't wanna be some guy you come to just 'cause you're upset and need to feel better."
"Jayne..."
But he couldn't let her speak, or he'd lose his nerve and never be able to say it again.
"I don't just wanna be there 'cause there ain't no one else around, neither." He frowned down at her when she stood so close to him. "I just wanna be with you. Together. You an' me."
"I know." She took his hand. "Me, too."
He felt himself pout.
"No, you don't get it, none, Kaylee." But he didn't let go of her hand. He wasn't stupid. "You wanna know why you found me here when you got back?"
It was her turn to frown, a puzzled crease forming in her forehead.
"'Cause Mal gives you ten percent, a bunk, the kitchen and despite what you say, you still think of us all as family and you don't ever turn your back on family? Plus your weights're too heavy to lug off anywhere else."
Jayne blinked.
"No, well... yeah, but it's more." He breathed in. "There was plenty of times I thought about leavin', thought there weren't nothin' left here after you was gone. But if I did, I wouldn't've had any way of knowin' you was okay."
He could see the way her eyes softened.
"It weren't ever much, but every couple of months, you'd wave Mal or he'd wave you and we'd know, just for that time, you was doin' well. And I figured the only time I'd ever get to see you again, was if you came back here."
There wasn't any way to argue that, he knew, so he didn't wait for her to try.
"An' I figured, even if you came back and decided you wanted to be with Simon, or none of us, I figured I still needed to see if you was good. Needed to see it for myself, or I wouldn't be able to relax at all."
"I'm sorry." She whispered it up to him and it sounded sad. Too sad to be happy news and he felt himself falling. "I'm sorry, Jayne."
"Huh?" He blinked. "What? No, nothin' good ever came from sayin' sorry. Don't say sorry, Kaylee..."
She smiled and her other hand came out to slap at his shoulder.
"I meant I'm sorry I didn't see it before now." Then he understood. Then he smiled back. "I was all kinds of mean to you an' I don't deserve you now."
He couldn't stop himself reaching out to cup her cheek, to rest it in the palm of his hand and he liked the feel of her letting him.
"I don't want this 'cause you feel you done me wrong." One last chance for her to say no. "I want this 'cause you want it, too."
He held his breath and waited for her to pull away.
She didn't.
-Shh.- Kaylee hums it to the closed trunk as she rocks back and forth, eyes skimming over the open door. -Shh.-
She's spent a lot of energy convincing James to lie still and quiet, not to make a sound, to stay hidden no matter what. Her fingers tap nervously on the wood. Counting down the seconds as they tick by.
Time stretching out endlessly.
The longer he makes her wait, the more she feels sick and gutted.
-Miss Frye?- She can't remember closing her eyes, but Geoffrey appears in the space of a blink. -You in here, Miss Frye?-
-Oh my god!- She stands up and rushes over to him. -What happened?-
He stumbles a little as he makes his way in past the door and she catches him, leads him to a chair.
-It ain't nothin'.- Geoffrey breathes heavily. -I didn't know if you'd still be here, kinda hoped you wouldn't, but I had to check.-
-What?- But she thinks she knows.
-I got a job, Miss Frye, I'm goin' up in one of the ships. It ain't much, lousy pay, but it's somethin'.-
Her first instinct is to tell him no, he can't do that. He's much too young, too small for life on a ship anywhere. But then she takes a second look. He's grown, too fast and too hard.
The left side of his face is swollen and there's a nasty gash that runs over his right eye. She felt him limp heavily on his right leg and he sits crouched protectively over his belly.
His face has stretched, lengthened, lost the baby fat that rounded it. His eyes are dark and they don't flinch when he looks at her anymore. His jaw is set and his body has toned down, become sleek with moderation and necessity and hard work.
She wants to tell him it's not safe out there, that he'd never make it.
-You be careful.- She says instead. -Lots of people out there that'd take advantage of someone starting out. Don't you ever take less than your fair cut, don't you ever let no one steal what's yours.-
Her eyes meet his.
-And don't you ever walk away from somethin' you want, just 'cause you're scared.-
-I know.- He blushes still. -I know all that. You don't gotta say.-
His bravado makes her smile, but not for long. He's the only person that talks to her anymore and she doesn't think she'll survive long without him.
-I'm scared.- She's too weak and weary to feel bad about making him feel guilty. -Geoffrey, I'm so scared. It's been days, the longer he leaves it, the worse it's gonna be.-
-You don't gotta. He ain't gonna bother you no more.- He takes one of her hands and squeezes it. -That's what I came to tell you. You could get on one of them ships, doesn't matter which one, just get on it and get out of here. You can't stay here.-
-I have a ship.- It feel strange to sound confident. -I just have to contact them. You think if your ship will let you...?-
Her voice trails off when he hands her something. Her fingers close over the metal and she knows what it is without looking, it sucks her mouth dry.
-What did you do?- Her eyes begin cataloguing his injuries. -What did you do?-
-Nothin' that wasn't overdue.- He says. -Nothin' that shouldn't've been done a long time ago.-
-Geoffrey...-
-You gotta leave, Miss Frye.- His voice becomes insistent. -Before people start askin' questions. 'Cause they're gonna ask 'em about you.-
There are tears and she can't tell if they're the good or the bad kind.
-Oh, Geoffrey.- Her fingers turn the converter drive over and she sighs, nothing she says could ever change what happened. -Just tell me, is he dead?-
-You know, Becca was my friend.- It's not an answer, they both know it. -We went to school together. When I was ten, she came up and kissed me on the cheek. I got so embarrassed, I didn't say nothin' to her for years after.-
He hasn't spoken about that day since it happened. Not to her, anyway.
-She was a sweet girl, Miss Frye, she didn't deserve that.- There's a pause. -And you didn't deserve it, neither. You been a good friend, I wanted to say that before I went.-
-Thank you.- She's not sure what for, but she needs to say it. -You too.-
When she looks up, he's gone and she knows she's never going to see him again.
She spends several hours fixing the cortex link. The message, when she finally gets through, makes her want to weep. The ship you are connecting to is not in range or is currently out of service. Please try again later.
In all the time she spent wishing they'd appear out of nowhere to save her, she hasn't once thought that they might need saving themselves. A sharp stab of fear hits her and she can't swallow. She doesn't even really know whether they can take her back, whether they'd even want to.
She isn't the same person they left on this planet two years ago. That girl is long gone and she doesn't know how to get her back. Doesn't know if she wants to.
Kaylee tries for three days before there's the crackle of an incoming message.
-Cap'n?- And there he is, god, how she's missed that face. -Cap'n, that you? It's been a while since you checked in last.-
-Kaylee?- It nearly breaks her, then and there, hearing his voice. Hearing his concern and knowing it's real. -You been eating right? You've lost weight.-
It's the first time anyone's said her name out loud in nearly three months.
THE END.
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Title: Something From Nothing
Author: Jacqui [email] [website]
Details: Standalone | PG | het | 182k | 04/11/06
Characters: Malcolm, Zoe, Wash, Kaylee, Inara, Jayne, Simon, River, Book, Other - OC, you'll see.
Pairings: None really, but Jayne/Kaylee and Mal/Inara mentions.
Summary: Sometimes you don't realise how strong you are until you're tested.
Notes: Written as a sequel of sorts, but can be read as a stand alone. Kaylee left Serenity and then returns two years later.
Sequel to: Didn't Mean Nothin'
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