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Disclaimer: The characters and situations belong to Fox, which apparently didn't know what to do with them. So there.
Warning: This story involves a character death. I don't normally write this sort of thing, but this story is essentially a very disturbing dream I had that I expanded upon and put into narrative form just to get it out of my head and make it stop haunting me. I prefer to think of this story as belonging in an alternate universe rather than in the "real" Firefly universe because I don't want to think of these events actually taking place.
"Get it out!" River's shriek broke the peace in the dining room, where the crew sat around after dinner for conversation and games. They all looked up as she fell to her knees on the floor, her hands clutching at her head.
Her brother was at her side in an instant. "River, what is it?"
Still clutching her head in her hands, she shook her head back and forth and continued to mutter, "Get it out, get it out, get it out."
"Get what out, River? What is it? I can't help you if you don't tell me."
The initial shock over, the crew returned to whatever they'd been doing -- or at least pretended to do so, in the interest of not staring rudely at what had become a regular scene of late. Mal hadn't been doing anything particularly important, other than sipping at a still-too-hot cup of coffee, so he kept an eye on the doctor and his sister.
River had never been right, not as long as she'd been on board Serenity, but here lately she seemed to have taken a turn for the worse. For the past few weeks, her lucid moments had been fewer and shorter, and she'd taken to collapsing in hysterical fits like this one. Her knees were scabbed and bruised from the number of times she'd thrown herself to the ground. The refrain was the same every time: "Get it out!" They still couldn't figure out what it was she wanted out of her head.
It had got to the point where sedatives weren't even helping -- that is, if the doctor could get them into her. Needles had become a risky proposition ever since the time she'd apparently knocked the hypodermic out of her brother's hand and into his own leg. Kaylee had found him unconscious on the floor of River's room later, with River cowering and sobbing in the corner. She spit out any pills he gave her. They saved drugs for the very worst fits when she didn't settle down on her own because it took both Mal and Jayne holding her down for Simon to inject her with anything, and even then she seemed to shake off the effects of the drugs within minutes.
The doctor was clearly reaching his wit's end. He gave up trying to make sense out of her rantings and just held her against his shoulder, making the kinds of shushing sounds parents used to get fussy infants to sleep. The boy was fraying around the edges, it seemed to Mal. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes from nearly a month of sleepless nights and there was a general air of desperation about him. The last good sleep he'd had was when he'd been accidentally drugged.
Book put down his Bible and got up to walk over to where the brother and sister sat on the floor. He knelt next to Simon and put a hand on his shoulder. "Son, is there anything we can do to help?"
Simon gave a ragged sigh and opened his mouth to speak, then shut it. Mal could practically see the sarcastic remark that had been on the tip of his tongue. After a pause, Simon said, "I don't know. I don't know what can help."
"I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about you. How can we help?"
Simon shook his head, but before he could tell the Shepherd he was fine, Mal interrupted. "Son, you might best take advantage of that offer. There's not much you can do to help her in the state you're in."
Guilt mingled with relief on the boy's face. "Thank you. If I could just get some rest, and maybe a chance to do some research ..."
Inara rose gracefully from her chair in the seating alcove, where she'd been playing checkers with Kaylee, and said, "I'll take River for the night. Won't that be fun, River?"
River didn't even look up from sobbing into her brother's shoulder, but when Inara took her hand, she went along without protest. Simon watched her go, then shifted his position on the floor to pull his knees to his chest. Book kept his hand on his shoulder and asked, "What do you think is wrong? What is it she wants out?"
Simon ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I honestly don't know. I'm at a complete loss. I've examined her pretty thoroughly -- well, as thoroughly as she'd let me -- and there's no sign of a tumor or anything physical wrong with her. The best I can think is it's some sort of thought or memory. She was doing so much better for a while, and it's possible she started remembering things that were best forgotten."
Jayne spit on his knife and wiped it. "You mean, she got worse because she'd started gettin' better?"
"Maybe."
Jayne snorted. "That don't make no sense."
Mal put down his coffee cup and stood. "No, it don't. But that don't mean we don't gotta deal with it. Doctor, nothin's gonna make much sense as tired as you are. Get some sleep, and that's an order. That goes for the rest of you, too. It's gettin' late and we got work to do tomorrow."
Book helped Simon to his feet, then walked with him up the steps, through the hatch and into the corridor toward the stairs to the passenger dorm. Mal turned back to find the others still staring at him. "Well? What are all of you lookin' at? Do I have something on my nose?"
"Sir, what are we going to do if she don't get better?" Zoe asked.
"I don't rightly know. That's kind of a problem for the doc, but I imagine if he can't help her, he may have to restrain her for her own safety."
"And ours," Wash muttered.
"And ours," Mal agreed. "But all her phases tend to blow over, sooner or later. Maybe after a while being extra crazy, she'll forget whatever it is that's buggin' her and go back to being just regular crazy. My main concern is that she don't drag her brother down with her. The last thing we need on this boat is two crazy people."
"Make that three," Wash added, but Mal pretended he hadn't heard because he had a pretty good idea who Wash was talking about. Zoe slapped her husband on the shoulder, and Mal figured that took care of that.
"The boy's damn near close to snapping, as it is, so any help the rest of you can give with just keepin' River out of trouble would probably be a good idea over the next couple of days. Let him get a break and some rest, and maybe when he's thinking clearly again, he can figure something out."
Simon didn't make it to breakfast the next morning, and Mal figured that he was catching up on some much-needed sleep. Inara wasn't there, either, so Kaylee fixed plates for her and River, and Mal offered to carry them to Inara's shuttle. His hands were full with the tray, so he just shouted through the door instead of knocking. Inara called back, "Come in!" a split second later, and she sounded far more enthusiastic about it than she ever had before.
As soon as he stepped through the hatch, he saw why. The elegantly decorated shuttle was a mess. Pillows -- some leaking feathers -- were strewn all over the floor and the bed coverings had been shoved aside. River was hiding half under the bed, whimpering, and Inara was the most disheveled Mal had ever seen her. She wore no makeup and her hair, which had been pinned up, had fallen down in uneven pieces. "Rough night?" he asked.
"I don't know how Simon does it. She was fine most of the night, then suddenly woke up screaming."
"Let me guess, she wants it out of her head."
"Poor little thing. She must be so miserable, and we can't help her. How's Simon?"
"Still asleep."
"Good. If this is what every night is like for him, it's a wonder he's still functional."
Mal handed her the tray, then knelt beside River. "Hey, River," he said, trying to keep his voice calm and soothing. "I brought some breakfast. I bet you're pretty hungry, as busy as you've been, what with redecorating Inara's shuttle, and all."
She looked up at him and blinked. "Captain?" Her eyes looked clearer and saner than they had in weeks. "Where's Simon?"
"He's getting caught up on his sleep right now."
She nodded. "That's good. Someone needs to take better care of him. I don't think he's doing very well." Mal thought that sounded like a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black, but he held his tongue. "It's breakfast time?"
"Yep, breakfast time. You and Inara can eat together, and I'll keep you company. Then we'll go and see how your brother is doing, okay?" She nodded and took the hand he held out to help her up. Then she sat with Inara and ate breakfast, acting as though the last few weeks hadn't happened at all. Maybe he had been right and it had just been another phase. The doctor would certainly be relieved, though it would still probably drive him nuts that he didn't know what the problem had been.
They finished breakfast, and Inara looked more than a little relieved to see them go. River paused at the hatch, then looked back around the shuttle as if seeing the mess for the first time. "I'm sorry," she said in a small voice.
"Don't worry about it, sweetie," Inara said, kissing her on the cheek. "I'm just glad you're feeling better."
River walked alongside Mal down the catwalk toward the dining room, skipping in little dance steps along the way. She certainly seemed to be back to normal -- as normal as River got, at any rate. "We'll just get this tray back to the kitchen so Wash can finish the dishes -- I think it's his turn today -- and then we'll see if we can find Kaylee to help you get cleaned up and into some fresh clothes, and then maybe you two can go play jacks, or something, okay?"
"Okay, Captain!" she said with a salute. They came down the stairs into the dining room and found Simon sitting in one of the chairs in the seating alcove, a seemingly untouched cup of coffee held between his hands. Wash stood at the sink, washing dishes while regaling the doctor with an extended joke that seemed to have something to do with a Shepherd, a rabbi and a Companion. The doctor looked better than he had the night before, but one night of sleep wasn't going to make up for what he'd been through. He still had dark circles under his eyes, and he wasn't smiling, in spite of Wash's best efforts. His face lit up, however, when he saw River.
She ran to him and threw her arms around his neck. He hugged her back with one arm while trying to steady his coffee in his other hand, and she whispered loudly, "I'm better this morning."
"You are? That's great." He looked up at Mal. "She's better?"
Mal handed the tray over to Wash. "Seems to be. She had kind of a rough night, but then she just sort of blinked out of it. Maybe it just ran its course, whatever it was."
The doubt in Simon's eyes said he wasn't sure he agreed, but his smile didn't fade. "Now I'm going to find Kaylee and play jacks," River told him. "You get more rest. You don't look well." Before he had a chance to respond, she kissed him on the cheek, then grabbed Mal's hand and started tugging him toward the aft corridor. "Come on, we have to find Kaylee. Time to play."
Mal let himself be led away. As he stepped through the hatch, he heard Wash say, "Now, as I was saying, the Companion said ..."
They found Kaylee in the engine room, as was to be expected. "Anything urgent going on in here?" Mal asked Kaylee.
"No, sir. Just keeping things in shape."
"Good. Then you can go help River get cleaned up and dressed, then you two can go play for a while."
"I'm feeling better," River informed her friend.
"That's great. Sure thing, Cap'n." She took the younger girl's hand and started to lead her away, but River held back.
She looked up at Mal and said with deadly earnestness, "You will help me get it out, won't you, Captain?" Mal went cold as Kaylee led her to the stairs. It looked like she wasn't as well as she made it out to be, but at least she wasn't screaming and throwing fits, which was a distinct improvement.
He didn't even mind the girlish squeals and giggles that echoed through the cargo bay later that day. Happy squeals were a far sight better than River's crazy shrieks, even if they weren't that much easier on the ears. When he checked in on the cargo bay, he was surprised to find that the girls had somehow recruited Jayne into joining them in a game of hide-and-seek. Jayne appeared to be "it," and Mal was glad he didn't have to set odds for that match-up. Jayne was an expert tracker, but River was, well, River, and she had her own resources. This was a game that had the potential to go on for hours.
On his way back through the kitchen to the bridge, he found Simon slumped in the chair he'd been sitting in earlier, sound asleep. The boy didn't so much as stir as Mal refilled his coffee cup and continued toward the forward hatch. Mal had to take a step back as River burst through the hatch, grinning gleefully. She paused to look at Mal, put a finger against her lips in the universal gesture for silence, then ran through the room to the aft hatch. Shaking his head, Mal stepped through the hatch, walked down the corridor, then climbed the steps to the bridge, where Zoe sat in the co-pilot's seat, keeping her husband company.
"You really need to freshen up your jokes," Mal told the pilot. "I think you knocked the doctor out with that one."
"Is he still asleep?"
"Out cold."
Wash winced. "Well, next time we need a sedative for little River, we'll just have to keep her still and quiet long enough to listen to one of my jokes, and she'll be out like a light before you know it."
"I always knew your jokes would be useful some day, dear heart," Zoe said with a fond grin. "How is River doing?"
"Right now she appears to be giving Jayne a run for his money in a game of hide-and-seek."
"So she's still sane -- I mean, relatively speaking?" Wash asked.
"Appears so. She did ask me to help her get it -- whatever that is -- out, but she wasn't screaming when she asked, which I take to be a positive sign." Mal turned his attention away from their most colorful passenger for a moment to ask, "How're we doin'?"
"We should be to Bowie in another couple days."
"Good. That job looks to be legit, for a change. We might be able to take it easy for a while, without looking over our shoulders for the law, other than the usual Feds after our fugitives."
"I hear tell Bowie's a real nice place," Zoe commented. "Peaceful, like. Some shore leave might be a good idea, if we can spare the time. There's something about grass and sky that might help soothe a few of our more troubled souls."
"Might be a good idea, at that. It all depends on the job. And we'd have to wake the doctor up for a while."
An hour or so later, Kaylee's head appeared just above the floor as she climbed up the ladder into the bridge from belowdecks. "Anyone seen River?" she asked. "Jayne found me right away, and now neither one of us can find River. She won, but she ain't comin' out from her hidin' place."
"I saw her come running through the kitchen a while back, heading toward the engine room."
Kaylee climbed the rest of the way up the ladder, then went back toward the corridor hatch. "Thanks, Cap'n. Guess I'll look there. I thought we said the top deck was out of bounds. Maybe she didn't win, after all, not if she cheated."
There was plenty of room for disagreement as to just how sharp or accurate Mal's danger instinct was, given the amount of trouble he managed to get into, but he tried not to ignore it when it did give him a signal. At the moment, his instinct was giving him a full alarm. He followed Kaylee aft to the dining room.
Kaylee had already run through back to the engine room, but Simon was just sitting up, yawning and rubbing his eyes. "What's going on?" he asked when he saw Mal.
"Oh, your sister got into a game of hide-and-seek with Jayne and Kaylee, and now she don't seem to want to be found just yet."
He nodded and yawned again. "She probably doesn't realize the game is over, or else she's not ready for it to be over yet. When we were kids, it usually took my dad to get her out of her hiding place, and he had to make loud threats not to let her have dessert for a week to do so."
"Well, think you can play dad for a while? Maybe you can lure her out of hiding. Last time I saw her was up here."
Simon twisted his back, like he was trying to stretch the kinks out of his spine. "Okay, I'll see what I can do, but I never have been able to get her out of a hiding place she doesn't want to leave."
Mal left him to handle the upstairs and headed downstairs. He ran into Jayne and Book in the common area of the passenger dorm. "She not up there?" Jayne asked.
"Simon and Kaylee are looking up there. And don't tell me you can't beat a crazy teenage girl at hide-and-seek."
"She ain't like other girls, and you know that. And now she's just tryin' to make me look stupid."
Mal started to say something, then decided that particular opening was too easy to be sporting. "Well, you're supposed to be the great tracker, and there's not too many places she could be on this boat, so let's find her."
"I already checked all the compartments in the cargo bay, along with all the crates big enough for her to fit into."
"She likes the EVA suits," Book said. "Think she may have gone outside?"
Jayne shook his head. "I checked. None of the suits are missin'."
"Anyone look in the infirmary?" Mal asked.
"That was off-limits," Jayne said. "Doc don't like anyone playin' in there."
"So, apparently, was upstairs, but I saw her up there."
"She doesn't like going in there," Book said.
"Won't hurt to check."
The infirmary was shut tight due to one of Simon's recent attempts to convince River that nobody was going to do any tests on her or stick her with any needles. The lights were out, and Mal flipped them on once he slid the door open. The sight that met him when the lights came on almost made him lose his footing. Book was right behind him, and the Shepherd said, "Oh, dear Lord," in a way that sounded more like a prayer than a curse.
River lay motionless on the exam table, blood pooling under her head and dripping onto the floor. Her eyes were open and staring, unseeing.
"What is it, did you find her?" Jayne came into the room, then froze. "Wuh de ma!" His curse also came out like a prayer.
Book stepped forward and took one of River's wrists in his hand, then looked back at Mal and shook his head. He gently parted her hair at the back of her head and examined the wound. "Poor child," he murmured. "Looks like she tried to cut out whatever she thought was in her head." Mal looked on the floor and noticed a scalpel lying on the floor in the middle of the pool of blood.
The three of them stood in silence for a moment. Mal was trying to figure out what to do next. All hell was about to break loose on his ship, and it was the kind of hell he didn't know how to handle. Violence, he could contend with, but he'd rather face Reavers than lose a crewmember like this.
A voice from the corridor outside reminded him that he was going to have to deal with this sooner rather than later. "River? Come on out. The game's over," Simon called. "It's not funny anymore, River."
Book caught Mal's eye, then hurried out into the corridor to intercept the doctor. "Son, we need to go sit down and talk."
"What is it? What's going on?"
Book caught him around the waist with one arm. "Son, I really think you need to sit down for a spell." But Simon kept going toward the infirmary. Book kept up with him, an arm still around his waist, which was a good thing because the moment Simon stepped through the infirmary door, his legs collapsed under him, and it was only Book's support that kept him from hitting the floor.
"River?" he whispered as all color drained from his face. Mal wouldn't have thought that the boy could get any paler, but he did. His face went a sick grayish shade, and even his lips were white.
Mal stepped toward him. "Son, come on, let's get out of here."
Simon shook his head and pulled away from Book to step toward the exam table. With a trembling hand, he touched his sister's cheek, then closed her eyes. He moved her hair aside to see the deep wound at the back of her neck. "She -- I --" He couldn't manage to form a sentence.
From outside, Kaylee's voice called, "River? Simon?"
Mal moved closer to Jayne. "Keep her away from here. Get everyone up to the dining room. I'll be up to break the news." Jayne nodded and left, and Mal turned his attention to Simon. "Come on, doctor, you don't need to be in here."
"Yes, I do." His voice sounded like it was coming from very far away, and his eyes had taken on a blank look Mal recognized from the war. It didn't take shells to cause shellshock. He moved over to the sink and dampened a rag, then went to wiping up the blood.
"Stay with him," Mal said softly to Book, who nodded. Then he headed up to the dining room to break the news to the rest of the crew. They were all waiting around the table and looked up expectantly when Mal stepped through the hatch. Zoe took one look at Mal's face and set her jaw. She knew him well enough to know this was bound to be bad news.
The problem was, he didn't know how to go about breaking it. "Didya find River?" Kaylee asked.
"Uh, yeah, well, that's what I need to talk to y'all about." He pulled out the chair at the head of the table and took a seat. "Look, something's happened, something bad." He looked down at the table, unable to meet their eyes -- especially Kaylee's -- as he delivered this news. "It's River. It looks like she decided to go after whatever it was she thought was in her head with a scalpel."
"Do it yourself brain surgery never goes well," Wash said. His quip was followed by an "ouch," probably the result of Zoe's elbow hitting his ribs.
"How is she?" Inara asked.
There was no easy way to say this, so he went for the direct approach. "She's dead." He didn't look up to see their reactions. The various gasps from around the table told him enough. "I don't know exactly how it happened, but it looked like she must have hit a blood vessel and bled to death, or maybe she managed to hit something else important. It probably happened pretty quickly."
"How's Simon?" Kaylee whispered. He looked up at her to see that tears were running down her cheeks.
"He's in shock right now. I don't think it's hit him yet. The Shepherd's with him now. They're tending to River."
"What are we going to do?" Zoe asked.
"I haven't really thought about that yet. A lot of it's up to Simon, and I don't think he's quite ready to make any decisions at the moment."
"You think he'll stay with us?" Kaylee asked with a sniff.
"I don't see why not."
"But the Feds just wanted River back, right? He might be able to go home now."
Zoe shook her head. "No, probably not. They want him, too. He knows too much about what they were doing."
"Is there anything we can do?" Inara asked.
"I don't know yet. I'll let you know when I have a better sense of the situation. Now I'd better go check on things down there."
He heard a loud sob behind him as he left, followed by soothing sounds from Inara. It looked like things were in good hands on this end of the boat. Now he worried about what he'd face downstairs.
The infirmary was dark again, and Book had Simon sitting on the sofa in the common area. The boy looked like he had gone even deeper into shock, if such a thing was possible. Mal glanced into the infirmary to see that the small, still form was now covered by a blanket. He caught Book's eye, and the Shepherd got off the sofa to join Mal. Simon didn't seem to notice.
"How is he?" Mal asked.
"I don't know. He hasn't said a word since you went upstairs. How did they take the news?"
"Kaylee's heartbroken, of course. I imagine she'll be trying to blame herself before long."
"It's nobody's fault. It's just a tragedy, plain and simple."
"You know he'll be blaming himself, too." Mal glanced over at the still motionless doctor.
"This is a lot for him to deal with right now. He was already close to the end of his rope."
"Do you think maybe we should sedate him, or something?" It was kind of creepy the way he didn't move at all. Mal wasn't even sure he'd blinked this whole time.
"I don't see why. It's not like he's hysterical. In fact, I'm not sure he could get much calmer."
"It's the calm that's so creepifying. It's like he's not even there."
"I imagine he feels like the floor just fell out from under him. He gave up everything -- his home, his family, his career, his money -- for her, and now he's lost her, too. He's lost everything that matters to him."
Zoe came down the stairs, and her face softened with compassion when she saw Simon. She walked over to Mal and Book. "You know what he reminds me of," she said to Mal.
"The last couple of days at Serenity Valley."
She nodded. "By the time they got us out of there, a whole lot of folk just checked out completely. Some of them came back later. Others didn't."
"The Shepherd and I were just discussing whether or not we should sedate him."
"Dope him," she said without hesitation. "He's already sleep deprived. There's no way he can deal with this as exhausted as he is. Rest is the best thing for him right now."
"Can you take care of that?" She nodded and headed to the infirmary. Mal went over to the sofa and sat next to Simon. "Doctor?" The boy didn't even blink. "Simon, look, I know this has got to be pretty horrific for you, and there are a lot of decisions you're gonna have to make, but first I think you should just get some rest. We can worry about everything else in the morning, dong ma?" He thought he saw a blink, and he took that as a yes.
Zoe came over, a hypodermic in her hand, and sat on Simon's other side. She brushed the hair off his forehead, then rested a hand on his knee. "Simon, honey, I'm just going to give you a little something to help you get some rest." He didn't respond to her, either. She pushed up the sleeve of his sweater, then injected the sedative. He didn't even wince when the needle punctured his skin. She tugged his sleeve back into place, then she said, "Now, let's get you to your room before you fall asleep on us."
She and Mal got him to his feet and walked with him to his room. He remained shocked and unresponsive, but he was cooperating, which made him easier to deal with than his sister had ever been. They sat him on the edge of his bed, and Zoe knelt to remove his shoes. She eased him into a lying position, then pulled the blanket up over him. His eyelids fluttered as the drug took effect. Zoe stood over him, stroking his hair, until his breathing deepened and the tension faded from his face.
"I'll stay with him," Book offered. "I don't think we should leave him alone for a while."
"That's probably a good idea," Mal agreed. "I'll come relieve you in a few hours."
"How are things looking up there?" he asked as he and Zoe walked away.
She shook her head. "I don't think it's really sunk in yet. Kaylee's still crying. Jayne started cleaning his weapons. Wash feels like a heel for his brain surgery crack. I'll let him suffer for a little while before I tell him it's okay. We still gonna do that job?"
"We pretty much have to. It's not anything too taxing. You, me, Jayne and Wash should be able to do it without help from the others."
They went back upstairs, and Mal was somewhat surprised to find Jayne standing in the corridor between the stairs and the dining room. Zoe slipped past him into the dining room, leaving Mal to deal with him.
"Mal, I was thinkin', maybe if I'd found her sooner, this wouldn't've happened, you know?" the big merc said, twisting his hands.
Mal felt the foundations of his world shift. "Jayne, are you actually taking responsibility for something?"
"I ain't sayin' it's my fault, exactly, just that maybe I coulda done something different. You don't think the doc'll blame me, do you?"
"He'll be too busy blaming himself, I imagine, for not figuring out what was wrong or for trying to get his first good sleep in weeks and letting her out of his sight."
"It ain't his fault, neither. The way I see it, the ones to blame are the people who did this to her in the first place. Hell, they probably rigged her with some sort of self-destruct in case they lost control of her, and that's what this was, just kicking in now."
The universe shifted again. "Jayne, I do believe you have a good point there. You may just be right."
Jayne frowned at him, like he wasn't sure whether or not he should take it as a joke. "I know I ain't exactly been glad about having those two on board, but I still don't like to see something like this happening to anyone." His eyes were suspiciously glittery, and he abruptly turned and walked away.
Shaking his head in surprise, Mal continued on into the dining room. Kaylee and Inara sat on one of the lounges in the seating alcove, Kaylee's head resting on Inara's shoulder, with Inara's arm around her shoulders. Kaylee looked up at Mal, sniffled, then rubbed her sleeve across her face. "Is Simon gonna be okay, do you think?" she asked.
"I don't know, Kaylee. It's too soon to tell. Zoe gave him something to help him get to sleep, and Shepherd Book's looking after him."
"I could go talk to him. Maybe that would help."
"Maybe tomorrow. Right now, I doubt he'd even know you were there."
"She seemed okay, you know, or we wouldn't have been playin' like that. Hide and seek was her idea, and she was the one who talked Jayne into playin' with us." A look of horror came over her face. "You don't think she did it on purpose, do you? She could have set up the game to give her a chance to get away from us and do this."
"With River, who knows? But if she set her mind to something, there's not much that any of us could have done to stop her. Don't even start to think it was your fault. Because of you, her last day was a happy one that she spent having fun and playing with her friend. Don't ever forget that. Now, why don't you get to bed, get some rest." She nodded, hugged Inara, then hurried off.
Inara rose to stand in front of him. "How is he, really?" she asked.
Mal shook his head. "He pretty much just shut down. It's like he's not even there at all."
Her eyes brimmed with tears, then she blinked and one perfect tear trailed down her cheek. He wondered if that was part of her training, to learn to cry while still looking beautiful instead of getting all puffy and red like Kaylee had.
"How are you doing?" she asked after a minute.
"How am I doing? I'm not exactly the one affected by all this."
"Yes, you are. As you're so fond of saying, this is your crew, and you do feel like they're your responsibility. This is the first member of your crew you've lost, and I know you're taking it hard because you feel responsible, both for River and for Simon."
Mal made a mental note never to rent another shuttle to a Companion. They were a bit too perceptive for his comfort. He shook his head. "No, the way I see it, the people who are responsible for this are the ones who decided to play in that girl's brain."
"That's a very healthy perspective for you to have."
"Actually, Jayne said it first."
The look on her face was worth whatever it cost him in her esteem for him not to have thought of it himself. "Jayne?" she said, raising an elegant eyebrow.
"Sometimes, he does surprise us."
"Well, let me know if you need any help. The next few days will be difficult for all of us."
Mal didn't even try to get to sleep before he went to relieve the preacher at Simon's bedside. "He hasn't stirred at all," Book said softly when Mal stepped into the room.
"Good. I imagine he'll be out for the rest of the night. Get some rest, preacher. I imagine we'll need your help tomorrow."
"I'm just glad I can be of help."
The moment Mal dreaded most was when Simon finally woke up the next morning and realized that it was all for real, that it hadn't been a dream. He wasn't sure how the boy would react. The doctor wasn't the hysterical sort, but his sister had been the center of his existence, the one thing that did seem to motivate him, sometimes even to drastic measures. When he stirred and opened his eyes, Mal tensed, ready for whatever action he might have to take.
It took a few seconds for the doctor to return to full consciousness. When he saw Mal sitting next to him, he closed his eyes again and groaned. "I guess this means it's real," he whispered.
"I'm afraid so, son. Sorry about that." Simon's hands clenched in the blanket, and Mal could see the battle for control taking place within him. Then the battle was over, and he lay still. "Now, there are a few things we need to decide. We can talk about those things now, or wait a little while, if you'd prefer."
Simon sat up slowly and ran a hand through his hair. "Might as well do it now," he said. The blank look was back in his eyes, but at least he was responding now.
"Okay. That's good. Now, we're gonna have to figure out how to handle the funeral. Spacers often release their dead through the airlock, kind of like the space version of burial at sea."
"She'd like that. She loved being outside the ship. But I -- I just can't. I --" His hands started shaking, and he grabbed the blanket again to still them.
"That's okay, son. Funerals are for the ones left behind, so we need to do what you feel comfortable with. We're about to hit a real nice little world. It's a peaceful place. There's no Alliance presence, and the work we're doin' there is legal, so we aren't likely to piss off the local law. I know it'll be hard to leave her behind, but you'd be able to come back and visit her from time to time. How's that sound for a resting place?"
He nodded silently.
"Okay, then. We'll take care of making arrangements. You want Shepherd Book to do the service? I don't know about your religious beliefs, but he and River seemed to get along pretty well, and I know he was fond of her."
Another nod.
"Now there's just one more thing we need to figure out. Do you want to find a way to get word to the Feds that she's gone? I doubt that would get you off the most wanted list, but their biggest concern was getting her back, and they might back off from hunting you."
This time, he shook his head violently. "No," he said, raising his voice above a whisper for the first time since yesterday. "They'd just cut her up like a science experiment. They're not touching her again. They can just keep coming after me. I don't care."
Mal wasn't surprised, but he felt he needed to raise the issue. "Do you want to try to get word to your folks? We could find someone who could send a message without cluing anyone in to where you are."
"There's no point. They wouldn't care. They didn't care when she was alive." His hands clenched on the blanket again. Mal had often wondered what their parents must have thought about their children going missing, and now he felt he had something of an answer.
"All right, then. Do you want some breakfast?"
"I'm not hungry." Mal knew that they'd eventually have to force him to eat something, if it came to that, but for now, it wouldn't kill him to miss a few meals. Chances were, he wouldn't be able to keep much of anything down, anyway.
There was a knock on the door, and Wash slid the screen aside to step into the room. "Zoe sent me down," he said to Mal, then he turned to Simon and added, "Doc, I'm really sorry." Simon nodded in acknowledgement, then his face went blank again. Wash looked from Simon to Mal, frowning in concern.
Mal stood. "We'll be at Bowie tomorrow?"
Wash took the seat Mal had vacated. "Yep. First thing."
"Okay. I'll go check with Zoe, work out some details about the job."
The rest of the crew was gathered around the dining table, eating a silent breakfast. They all looked up as Mal entered. "Good morning," he said as he went to the kitchen to fix a plate that he didn't feel like eating."
As he took his seat, Inara asked, "How is he?"
"Better, I think. I don't know. He actually talked some, made sense. We got some things worked out. Then he went blank again. Wash is keeping an eye on him now." He turned to Book. "Shepherd, we'll bury her at Bowie. He'd like you to do the service. Maybe you can wave ahead, see if there's a local undertaker and a nice cemetery." Book nodded.
The rest of the day passed in something of a blur. The crew, including Jayne, took turns keeping an eye on an eerily quiet Simon who didn't seem to notice their presence. Mal made a point of stopping by to check on him every so often, but the boy just seemed to sink further and further into himself. That was to be expected, so soon after such a big shock. If it kept up longer, then they'd have something to worry about.
The undertaker Book had arranged was waiting for them when they made landfall the next morning. He and his men carried the small, blanket-wrapped body off the ship as the whole crew stood in the cargo bay to see River off. Kaylee stood with Simon, her arm around him and her head resting against his shoulder, but he might as well have been off in his own world, for all the notice he paid to the others. He was still in that same blank state, and it was starting to worry Mal. He knew what the young doctor must be going through, and keeping that kind of emotion bottled up was just asking for an explosion later. The longer the explosion was in coming, the worse it was going to be when it hit. It would be a while before they could afford to stop the constant supervision. There was no telling what he might do in the state he was in.
The undertaker promised that they could have the funeral the next morning, which gave them time to pick up their cargo, ferry it to the other side of the planet, then return.
That night, once they'd dropped off their load and picked up their payment, Mal left Zoe sitting with Simon. She'd turned out to be the best at dealing with the grieving boy because she was okay with the silence. She was content to just sit with him in quiet support without feeling the need to fill the silence. Two hours with Simon had practically sent Wash over the edge. It even made Jayne, not the most talkative person on the crew, a bit edgy. But Zoe was fine with it, and Mal had to think that made things easier for Simon.
The crew was gathered around the dining table once more. They'd all spent more time together in the past couple of days, choosing to be alone only when sleeping or when duty required it.
"Mal, we're worried about Simon," Inara said when Mal had taken his seat. "What happens after the funeral tomorrow?"
"He gets back on the boat with the rest of us and we head on to the next job."
"Have you discussed that with him?"
"I haven't discussed much of anything with him because that would require him actually talking and listening, and he hasn't been doing much of either lately."
"Someone needs to talk to him, to let him know that we're here for him, that we want him to stay here with us."
"It's not like he has a lot of choices. He's still a Federal fugitive. And, hell, right now he can't even remember to eat for himself, let alone look after himself."
"What if he wants to stay behind with her?"
Mal hadn't considered that. He knew the boy was perfectly willing to die for her or with her, but he had no idea what he might do now that she was dead. "It probably wouldn't be too safe for him to stay in one place for long."
"So, we don't know what he plans to do."
"There'll be time for talking later. He just don't feel much like talking at the moment."
Book leaned forward. "I'm all for giving him the space he needs, but this isn't healthy. We need to at least try to get through to him. I could try. I've had some experience with grief counseling."
"Or maybe I could talk to him," Kaylee suggested. "We're good friends." Jayne snickered. The fact that Kaylee and the doctor were more than just friends was the worst-kept secret on the ship. Mal wasn't entirely sure just how much more than friends they were, but he'd glimpsed them kissing in the engine room more than once. Kaylee ignored Jayne and added, "I'm the one he's always talked to, before. No offense to the rest of y'all, but he hasn't really opened up much to any of you."
"That's 'cause none of us ever bothered tryin' to get him drunk so we could have our way with him," Jayne said with a malicious grin. Normally, Mal would have scolded him, but at the moment, he was grateful for the somewhat lightened mood.
"I'm not exactly an expert at grief counseling, but my training has given me a lot of experience with psychology," Inara said. "I may be able to help. I can tell that he's not as far gone as you think he is. He's just hurting too much to process it." She looked at Mal like she was expecting him to make his usual remarks about the usefulness of whoring, but he knew this wasn't the time for that sort of thing. He was sure he'd have plenty of opportunities in the future.
"I appreciate all the offers," he said, "but I think that's sort of my job. I'm the captain, he's on my crew, and it's my job to let him know where he stands. The rest of you are welcome to do what you can to help, and I'm sure all your help will be needed, but I should be the one to have the initial talk with him."
"No, you shouldn't," Inara said, shaking her head. "You're terrible at that sort of thing."
"And you don't even like him all that much," Wash added.
"He's grown on me, some. And I have plenty of experience dealing with people going through tough times. Remember that little war a few years back? I had to deal with a lot of people who were in pretty much the same state that he's in."
"But you always say the wrong thing, and you make people cry," Kaylee said, looking doubtful.
Mal looked around the table, uncomfortable with the lack of faith his crew was showing in him. He turned to Jayne. "Don't you have an objection you want to make?"
"Hell, I don't much care who talks to him, so long as it's not me."
"So, it's settled, then. I'll talk to him tomorrow after the funeral. Now, all of you, get some rest. I want you up and in your Sunday best first thing in the morning."
They set down back at the settlement the first thing the next morning to find a crystal clear day. Mal was somewhat surprised, given that it usually seemed to be raining for funerals. It was winter in this part of the world, but not bitter cold. It was just a crisp, cloudless day with a hint of a breeze. He adjusted his tie as he waited for his crew to gather. The thing felt uncomfortably like a noose. He wasn't even sure why he'd bothered. River wasn't there to see it, and he doubted that Simon would notice. But his Ma would have had his hide for not showing proper respect at a funeral, and it was hard to break those kinds of habits.
Inara was the first to make an appearance, wearing a long gown in an uncharacteristically somber shade, a heavy cloak draped around her shoulders. Soon, Kaylee came down from the crew cabins. She wore a long, straight dress of dark grey wool that would have looked like something a schoolmarm might wear if she hadn't been wearing her brightly embroidered silk jacket over it. "It's not too bright, is it?" she asked as she approached Inara and Mal. "It's just, well, River always loved this, so I thought it would be nice to wear it." Blushing, she added, "I was wearing this when I first met Simon."
"It's lovely," Inara said, reaching out to put an arm around Kaylee's shoulders.
Mal almost had to do a double take when Wash and Zoe arrived. He couldn't recall ever seeing Zoe in a dress, but she wore a simple black skirt and jacket. As she moved, he realized it was a divided skirt, like women wore for riding on some worlds, but it was close enough to remain somewhat shocking. Wash wore a dark jacket over a shirt that was subdued for him. Jayne didn't look too happy when he arrived. Mal imagined that a funeral for one of his least favorite people was not an occasion the merc would look forward to. From his perspective, they'd be burying a whole heap of reward money this morning. He wasn't dressed in any particularly special way, but his clothes were clean, which for Jayne was a step up.
Finally, Shepherd Book appeared, guiding Simon. The boy was dressed in the same dark suit he'd worn when he first set foot on Serenity, and Mal couldn't decide if he looked centuries older or younger. He looked so very young and lost, while he also looked like he'd seen far too much for someone as young as he was. He looked even more withdrawn than he had before, to the point it seemed only his body was present. His mind appeared to be very, very far away.
They left the ship as a group. They'd set down outside a small settlement on the planet's grasslands. The cemetery was in a fenced-off churchyard on the edge of town. A few slender trees shaded the pretty, parklike cemetery. The place appeared to be well-kept, the tombstones clean, the grass evenly clipped and flowers gracing most of the tombs. Several townspeople were already gathered in the cemetery, near the open grave that marred the peaceful setting like a scar on the landscape.
The Shepherd took his place on one side of the grave, which Mal could see already held a simple coffin. The crew fell into place behind Simon on the other side. Inara kept an arm around an already weeping Kaylee. Wash and Zoe had their arms around each other, while Jayne stood off to the side, his eyes cast toward the ground. Mal stood near Simon, just to keep an eye on the boy. His face remained stony and impassive, but Mal noticed a muscle twitching in his jaw. That he took as a good sign. It meant he was feeling something, that he wasn't as far gone as he seemed. He was just doing a very good job of maintaining control. Mal wondered how much longer he'd be able to hold out before he snapped.
Book was speaking, but Mal had made a habit of tuning out preachers, so he'd missed the beginning of the service while he kept an eye on his people. "And He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying or pain," the preacher said. The familiar words of comfort washed over Mal, and he felt a long-forgotten sense of peace, until he remembered where he was and what was happening.
What kind of loving god would grant such incredible gifts to a child, only to have those gifts be used against her by people who would remake her and twist her to serve their purposes? What god would allow a brother's great personal sacrifices and extreme selflessness to ultimately be so meaningless? It would seem to Mal that Simon Tam had lived just the way the Shepherd's Bible would say he should. He'd been willing to give up everything, to leave it all behind for the sake of another. Surely that should have been good enough for him to have received some sort of reward for it.
None of it meant a damn thing.
Instead of listening to the preacher, Mal glanced again at his people. Kaylee was still weeping. She clung to Inara while she kept her eyes fixed on the Shepherd. She seemed to be willing herself to find strength and comfort in his words. Inara herself was crying, those perfect silent tears of hers slipping down her cheeks without leaving unsightly tracks. Zoe and Wash looked solemn. Mal recognized the look on Zoe's face. Any Alliance representative with the poor sense to come anywhere near Zoe anytime soon would very likely suffer for it. Jayne was still looking at the ground, scuffing the grass with the toe of his boot.
Even the Shepherd was affected. His voice grew hoarse and occasionally broke as he spoke, and there were tears in his eyes. It couldn't be easy for him to bury a mere child. Oddly enough, the one who showed the fewest signs of outward grief was River's brother. His eyes remained dry and his face was blank and expressionless. The only sign he gave that he was even aware of what was going on was in the constant clenching and unclenching of his hands at his sides.
Book finished the service with a prayer. After the amen, everyone raised their heads, then filed past Simon on their way out of the cemetery. The townspeople shook his hand and patted him on the arm. Jayne stopped in front of him, shuffled his feet a bit, then hesitantly reached out to touch his shoulder before hurrying away. Wash squeezed his shoulder. Zoe gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Inara and Kaylee approached, then Inara stepped forward, hugged him briefly and kissed him. Kaylee threw her arms around him like she was never going to let him go. Finally, he responded enough to put his arms around her and hug her back. She gave one of his hands a squeeze before walking away with Inara.
Book came around the open grave and placed a hand on Simon's shoulder. "Son, I am so very sorry that this had to happen in this way." Simon bit his lip and nodded, then Book gave Mal a glance that said very clearly, "Don't screw this up," before he walked off to speak to the townspeople who were hovering at the edge of the cemetery.
Now that he'd been left alone with the doctor, Mal was beginning to regret being so stubborn about being the one to talk to Simon. What could he possibly say under these circumstances? He cleared his throat and said, "Doc -- Simon -- I think it's about time you and me had a little talk." The boy didn't so much as look at him. Mal tried to think about a way to phrase what he needed to get across. Why was it so hard to just come out and say that they cared about him, were worried about him and wanted him to know that it was okay to let his grief show around them?
Mal decided now might be a good time for a metaphor. "It's like this, see," he began. "When you notice that you've got a problem with a ship, it don't do much good to pretend that there ain't a problem, or you end up with a worse problem. Like that problem we had with the catalyzer in the compression coil a while back. Kaylee had been nagging me for a while about getting a new catalyzer, but I kept putting her off because we had so many other problems to deal with. And then it blew, and it nearly got all of us killed, what with the explosion, the fire and the lack of life support. You let things get out of hand like that, and it just ends up hurting worse, doing even more damage."
And now Mal couldn't remember where he'd been going with this. He had been going somewhere, hadn't he? He glanced at the doctor, to find he was looking back at Mal with an all-too-familiar look on his face, the look that asked if Mal was totally insane. But there was no backing down now. He had to just keep going and hope he eventually worked his way back around to his point. "So, the thing is, you got to deal with it when the problem first springs up instead of trying to act like there is no problem. You find a safe place, get your replacement parts, and do your repairs before you try to head off and take on another job. Do you understand what I'm trying to say here, son?"
Simon looked up at him, his brow knit in a confused frown. "No," he said at last, shaking his head. He looked more like the Simon Mal knew and found highly irritating than he had in days.
Mal draped a protective arm around his shoulders. "Good," he said. "Because if that made any sense at all to you, then I'd be more worried about you than I already am. Let's get back to the boat."
As they neared Serenity, Mal noticed that the boy was starting to shake. That muscle in his jaw was twitching even more than it had been before the funeral. By the time they got to the ramp into the cargo bay, he'd had to shift his arm from its protective position around the boy's shoulders to a supportive position around his waist. It looked like all his self control was about to slip.
Kaylee was waiting for them at the top of the ramp. "Oh, honey," she said as she moved forward, and Simon stepped into her outstretched arms to bury his face against her shoulder. They stood like that, clinging desperately to each other, for nearly a full minute, before Kaylee began to guide him back toward the passenger dorm. Mal waited until they were out of sight before he headed to his bunk to change out of his uncomfortable dress clothes.
He made a detour by way of the passenger dorm once he'd changed. The door to Simon's room was slightly ajar, and he looked inside to see Simon and Kaylee sitting on Simon's bed. Simon had his back to the door, his face pressed up against the spot where her neck met her shoulder. She rested her forehead on the top of his head as she rocked him gently back and forth, rubbing his back and stroking his hair. She raised a tear-streaked face to see Mal standing in the doorway and gave him a weak smile before she returned her attention to Simon. Mal slid the door shut, then went upstairs to the dining room.
There he had a bit of a surprise. The dining table was covered with food -- platters of fried chicken, bowls of potato salad and several kinds of cakes and pies. "What's all this?" he asked.
Wash finished chewing a bite, then said, "Apparently, they take funerals very seriously in this town. The townspeople sent all this over."
"It's one of their customs," Book said, loading a plate for himself. "It would seem that they don't have nearly enough funerals to keep them busy, so they were glad of the chance to provide hospitality for some outsiders." He grinned. "And I imagine that there will be more where this came from. I believe the plight of our young doctor broke more than a few hearts among the widow women this morning."
"How is he, Mal? You did talk to him, didn't you?" Inara asked.
"Yes, I talked to him, and whatever it was I said seemed to have worked. It looks like he's back with us again. He's hurting like hell, but he is with us. Kaylee's got him, and I believe she's got that situation under control."
"We should probably bring some food down to them."
"Just leave a tray outside his door. They're bound to have to come up for air eventually."
While Inara fixed two plates to carry down to the kids, Mal helped himself to some of the food. He hadn't had much of an appetite lately, but the smell of that fried chicken was changing that.
"When are you planning on shipping out?" Zoe asked.
"I'm thinking maybe I ought to take your advice and stay here a spell. It's a nice enough place, we have all this food to eat, and it'll give Simon a chance to say his good-byes once he settles down a bit. Anyone who wants to get off the boat just needs to be back by tomorrow night."
He glanced at Jayne, who was usually the first off the ship when leave was granted, but Jayne just refilled his plate and kept eating. The town didn't look to have much in the way of brothels and bars, so the funeral food appeared to be a stronger attraction for the time being.
Mal spent much of the rest of the day greeting townspeople who came by the ship with covered dishes. It appeared the Shepherd had been right about the sympathies of the folk who'd come to the funeral. In addition to food, they brought their sympathy to that poor, bereaved boy. Mal thanked them on Simon's behalf and promised to pass on their condolences.
This town sure had a lot of widow women, he decided that afternoon. He wondered if it had anything to do with the war. By this point, they had several pots of chicken and dumplings, more lemon pound cakes than he could count and even some salads, though he wasn't sure where they got the fresh fruits and vegetables at this time of year. He couldn't recall the last time they'd eaten so well.
He thanked the latest visitor for her offering. "We really do appreciate your kindness," he told her. "You've all been mighty nice to a group of strangers."
"We're not strangers anymore. The way we look at it, one of your family has now become one of our family. We'll look after her."
"I'm sure the boy'll be glad about that."
"Was she ill for very long?"
"She hadn't been right for a while," Mal answered in all honesty.
"I'm so sorry to hear that. Please pass my condolences on to the young man."
"I'll do that."
"Is it true that he's a doctor?"
"Yes, ma'am, he is."
"There is a place for him here, if he'd prefer to stay with his sister."
"I'll pass that on," Mal lied. He had no intention of leaving their doctor behind.
The woman had just left when a voice from behind Mal startled him. "What was it this time?" Inara asked.
Mal folded back the wrapping on the dish he held. "Looks like a cherry pie."
"We're going to have to restrain Jayne from faking a funeral at every stop in the future," she said, a smile lighting her eyes for the first time in days.
"Hell, you may have to restrain me. I guess we picked a good place for this."
"As good a place as possible for something like this to happen."
"How are they doing?" He knew Inara had been stopping by the passenger dorm throughout the day just as often as he had.
"It looks like Kaylee actually got him to eat something, or else she was so hungry she started eating from his plate, because the tray left out in the corridor was nearly empty. And just now I heard voices -- both their voices -- so they must be talking."
"I guess that's a step in the right direction."
"He'll be okay, Mal. He's stronger than any of us gives him credit for. I think we forget what he had to go through to even get to us in the first place because all we see is how much he struggles to deal with our way of life."
"Who said I was worried?"
"You are worried. Why else have you been checking on him almost every hour in the past few days?"
"He's on my crew. I need to know if someone on my crew is going to fall apart on me. The last thing I need is for him to snap and become as crazy as his sister was. He's bad enough as it is."
"Has he ever let you down or not been able to do anything you needed him to do?"
Actually, the boy had turned out to be capable of more than Mal had expected, but he was never going to admit to that. He handed Inara the pie and said, "Mind taking this up to the kitchen? And tell Jayne to save some for Simon and Kaylee."
"I don't see how Jayne could possibly eat any more than he already has," she said with a smile. He was grateful that, for once, she'd let him get away with changing the subject.
Late that night, he walked through the ship, giving it his usual once-over before bedtime. Jayne had finally left, probably in search of a lonely widow woman who was a good cook. Zoe and Wash had found a little inn in town for a short getaway. Otherwise, everyone was on board and settled in for the night. Mal stopped by the passenger dorm to find a tray sitting on the floor in the corridor. From the looks of the empty plates, Inara had sent down some of the cherry pie. The door had been left slightly open, and Mal peered through.
Both kids were sound asleep, clinging to each other. Simon's head rested on Kaylee's shoulder, and their legs were all tangled up. It might have been a fairly erotic pose, were it not for the fact that both of them were fully dressed in their funeral attire. Simon's overcoat lay crumpled on the floor by the bed, but otherwise, he hadn't so much as loosened his necktie. Mal slid the door open further and stepped into the room. He picked the coat up from the floor and hung it in the wardrobe. Then he stepped back into the hallway to the linen cabinet, where he got a blanket. He returned to the room and draped the blanket gently over the sleeping kids, then he turned out the lights, stepped outside and slid the door shut before picking up the tray to take it back to the kitchen.
He slept late the next morning, figuring that if his crew could be on leave, so could he. After a quick breakfast consisting mostly of dessert items, he checked in again on the passenger dorm. Simon's door stood open, and the room was empty. Before he could start looking for them, Book stuck his head around the corner. "I believe they're at the cemetery," he said.
Mal nodded and went back to his bunk to get his coat before heading into town. He found Simon and Kaylee standing together by the side of the fresh grave. It appeared the townspeople had shown their hospitality here, as well, for the grave was covered in pale pink camellia blossoms. The sight took Mal back to his childhood. His Ma had grown camellias. When they bloomed in late winter, it was one of the first signs that spring was on its way.
Mal stopped inside the gate to the cemetery and leaned against the wrought iron arch that marked the entrance. He might as well give the kids a little privacy. They stood very close together, Simon's arm around Kaylee's shoulders, her arm around his waist. From where Mal stood, it almost looked like Simon was the one comforting Kaylee. Then again, that wasn't so strange, now that Mal thought about it. He'd been so worried about Simon because he'd known what Simon had gone through on behalf of his sister that he'd forgotten that Kaylee and River had become close friends. Losing a friend like that couldn't be easy on Kaylee.
Although he still wasn't in favor of shipboard romances, Mal had to make a temporary exception for these two. It was good that they could find comfort together in their mutual grief. They really were an interesting pair, both of them equal parts brave and scared, in their own ways. Kaylee might cringe from violence, but she was fearless with her heart, plunging headlong into all sorts of relationships without a second's thought about whether or not she'd be hurt. When she did get hurt, she just took it as part of the territory. Meanwhile, Simon could throw himself fearlessly into just about any fight, regardless of the odds against him, if something he cared about was at stake, yet he guarded his heart carefully. If these two started influencing each other, both of them could end up stronger for it.
Feeling like he was intruding, Mal focused his attention on the grave itself. He'd been so busy dealing with his people that he hadn't had time to stop and think about what had really happened. Now it was almost unreal to imagine that River was really gone. No more screaming fits, but also no more whimsical guessing games or startlingly clear insights buried in streams of nonsense. His throat grew tight at the thought. As annoying as he found the girl at times, he was going to miss her. And while he didn't blame himself for her far-too-premature death, he did feel some responsibility. As Inara had said, he was Captain, and this was his crew. Anything that happened on his ship or to his people ultimately came back to him. In this case, there were a multitude of what-ifs to consider, such as what if he'd taken her concerns more seriously rather than being so eager to believe she was getting better. Even so, he had a feeling it only would have been holding off the inevitable. The girl had been deeply damaged, and there probably wasn't a one of them who could have truly saved her in the long run. The best he'd been able to do was give her sanctuary for a spell.
Kaylee gave Simon a hug and a quick kiss before turning and leaving the cemetery. "Hey, Captain," she said as she passed Mal. Once she was gone, Mal moved forward to stand near Simon.
"The locals said they'd look after her, and it looks like they've already started," Mal commented.
"Pink was her favorite color. She would have liked this."
Two complete sentences -- that was the most the doctor had said at one time in more than a day. But that wasn't what Mal wanted to talk to him about. "Doc, about what I was trying to say yesterday," he began, but Simon cut him off.
"I understand. Kaylee translated." There was a ghost of a smile in his eyes. "And you were right. I guess I was just feeling so lost, I didn't even know where to start."
"Well, I don't want you to get started blaming yourself. Like Jayne said, the only people really to blame here are them as did all those things to her to make her that way. You did the best you could to help her, but anything you did was only undoing the damage they did to her."
Simon looked up sharply, disbelief all over his face. "Jayne said that?"
"Not in so many words, but he was the one to put forth the concept, so I guess he deserves the credit. He also came up with a pretty good theory you might want to discuss with him, once you feel up to it." Mal studied the young doctor a moment longer, then added, "I don't want you feeling like you wasted your time, either. I know right now you may be thinking that it was all kind of pointless, if it ended up this way after all, but you did get her away from that place to something that was at least a sight better. She seemed pretty happy on Serenity. She had a friend, she had some fun. She loved being in space. And, most important, she knew without a doubt that she had a big brother who cared more for her than for anything else in this universe. If you hadn't got her away from there, she wouldn't have had any of that."
"She might still be alive."
"I doubt she'd have been willing to make that trade. What kind of life would it have been?"
A single tear leaked from the corner of the boy's eye, and he angrily wiped it away. "Do you know what really makes me mad about all this?" he asked in a hoarse whisper. "This actually makes my life easier. It's like this incredible burden has been taken away from me. I can sleep through the night now. I don't have to always wonder where she is and what kind of trouble she's getting into. I don't have to worry about them catching her and taking her back to that place. All I have to worry about is keeping myself safe. I can make decisions based on what's best for me instead of what's best for her. And I hate that. How can something so horrible actually turn out to be good for me?"
"It's been my experience that good and bad are so tangled up together that it's impossible to separate them."
"For years, I haven't done anything or made any decision without thinking first about River, whether getting her to safety or keeping her safe and making her better. It's like I have my life back -- sort of -- and I don't know what to do with it."
"Well, for a start, you can get back on the ship and head off with us to the next job. If that's what you want to do."
"What else would I do?"
"It seems like the folk here have been recruiting pretty heavily. They could use a doctor, and you wouldn't have to leave her behind."
Simon looked like he hadn't even considered such an idea. Then he shook his head. "No, this is just a grave. I'd feel more like I was still with her if I were around people who actually knew her."
"Good. 'Cause I wasn't lookin' forward to trying to find a doctor who's willing to work for what I'm paying you."
"You aren't paying me anything, other than passage and board."
"My point, exactly. Now, why don't we go back to the boat, eat some more of that good home cooked food and you can prove to the others that you're gonna be okay and I didn't screw this up."
"Did they bring anything chocolate?"
"I believe they did. I think Jayne even saved you a piece."
Before they left the cemetery, Mal glanced over his shoulder one last time at the mound of pink flowers that marked River's grave. Somehow, he didn't feel like they were leaving her behind, not really. If he knew that girl, she'd find a way to haunt them. Her laughter would forever echo through Serenity's corridors. At one time, she'd claimed to have become Serenity. Now, he supposed she had. Her spirit would be a part of the ship as long as those who flew in her remembered her.
The End
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Shanna
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