The next morning, the church was packed. Everyone, young and old, crammed into the pews, eager to hear the Shepherd's message. Book stood at the pulpit, staring into the earnest faces of Haven's people. These people wanted to hear what he had to say, and for the first time since Muir, he felt God's presence, prompting him to speak.

His Bible lay open before him, but he didn't look down at it. He spoke from his heart, not reading from a book. "You believe that you have nothing if you have no one to guide you on your way." He looked around, picking out the faces he recognized, those that had begged for him to speak today, and focused on them. "But this isn't true. You have faith. I've seen it. There's faith in the everyday miracles, that the sun will shine and the earth will grow the crops. There's faith that in the morning you will get up and work, and the Lord will reward you.

"You can't see this every day, but you don't need someone to point out that it is truth. And what is truth but faith? You trust that what you believe is true. You trust that your needs will be met. It's not science, but even science has faith. A scientist must trust in theorems he cannot see. A scientist knows that atoms exist, that they contain mostly space. But you feel objects and they feel solid. The scientist trusts that they are solid, and trusts that they are made up on atoms which are mostly space. Doesn't that sound like a paradox?" He smiled at the crowd. "Doesn't it sound like something that must not be true? Something so odd that even a child would be able to pick it out as false? But we learn it in school as true, and we know it to be true in our hearts. This is what faith is.

"Faith is knowing something to be true. You know that there is a good God above, you know that there is a plan for all things. You don't need me to tell you these things. That's not what I'm here for." Book paused and looked around the pulpit. The people of Haven looked at him with rapt faces, the need clear on their faces. "You don't need me to show you the way," he said, voice gentle and soft. "You know what it is. You have it here. You need a friend on the path, someone to guide you and assure you that things are right. And they are right. This is a good place, with good people. There's so much to be done that is right and good, and there is much that we can do to help each other.

"There is a plan for all things," Book continued. He closed his Bible and raised his arms. "Each of us has a place in God's creation, just as we are, flawed and skilled and needy. We need each other," Book said, allowing his hands to fall. "Each of us here has a purpose. We hold each other up. We take our past experiences, pleasant and unpleasant, and move through it to a better place. It takes faith from all of us to do this, and I know, we can do it. I have that kind of faith, and I'm sure you all do, too."

Book’s words petered out. He had been so confused lately; unsure of who or what he was—and he realized it wasn’t just because of Hodges. Hodges had merely been the catalyst to his doubts, but his concerns had been there long before. Standing in this church, preaching to these people, he realized that he could still be a man of God. He still was a man of God: bruised, broken, a little lost, but he could be found again.

Looking out over the smiling faces of Haven's people Book knew, with utter certainty, that the wickedness inside him could be not just buried, but turned to good, like swords into ploughshares. He felt a peace welling inside him as he picked up the sermon again. These people needed him – and he needed them. He knew where he belonged. The joy in his heart was too great and too true to be ignored.

Book knew what he had to do.

"I've decided to leave," Book began.

Elder Meir's dining table was barely big enough to fit them all, so the man and his wife had taken their meal earlier, leaving the crew alone. Most of them dropped their chopsticks and looked at Book in dismay. Mal's hovered somewhere near his mouth, the bruise the Shepherd had given him making his face look lopsided. His eyes locked with Book's for a moment, then slid away to look down at his food. Mal took his interrupted bite and chewed thoughtfully.

The rest of the crew couldn't keep silent. "What? Where would you go?"

"Why are you leaving us?"

"This doesn't signify."

"You sure you can't stay on?"

"Why would you leave now?"

Book looked at each person in turn, his eyes lingering on Mal before he spoke. "I care about all of you. Each and every one of you has a place in my heart, and always will. But traveling with this crew--" He sighed. "I've compromised my principles one too many times. I must answer to a higher authority. Each time I sin, even if it is to save another, I feel a part of my soul crumble." He looked away, his eyes focusing on the rice in his bowl. "I worked very hard to achieve the peace I had at the Abbey, to put my past behind me. But my peace isn't as complete as it was. I've done things I would never have done in the abbey." As he said it, he looked back up at Mal, his gaze resting on the bruise. "I've hurt people, people I care about, and I can no longer justify that."

"No one's asking you to leave, Shepherd," Mal said coolly. "Things happen, ain't no one's fault."

Book shook his head. "There is a time for all things, a reason for all things. I think my time here has passed, and it's time to move on."

"Think so?" Mal asked, voice soft.

"He never said he was gonna stay," Kaylee said. She had been painfully silent before, watching everyone become upset. "Book was only gonna stay a spell, only gonna see life outside of the Abbey. You never were gonna stay." She strived for understanding, but her tone came out somehow accusatory.

Book smiled at Kaylee fondly. "It's been good to wander, but sometimes you have to pick a place to stand up on."

Jayne was shaking his head. "I don't get it though. Why now? Why here? Why not any other rock without a preacher?"

"It feels right here," Book murmured.

"Can't stop you from doin' what's right," Mal said, voice carefully neutral. He sipped water from his glass calmly. "Can't stop you, period."

"He's practically crew," Jayne protested. "You said so yourself – he’s he cook!"

"But he never came on as crew. He joined us as a passenger; the fact that he’s taken on the cooking duties has been a side-benefit to all of us, but he ain’t crew. He's a passenger that decided to stay on, is all."

The silence after Mal's statement was painful. Kaylee looked over at Book in near tears. "I—I guess you want a place where you can preach, find them as'll listen to you."

"That's definitely a draw," he said wryly. "It's not easy to change. It's never easy to change, but this is something that feels right. I can't ignore it."

"Don't. Nobody's asking you to."

"Captain!" Zoe hissed, kicking him under the table. This had gone on long enough.

"It's all right," Book said magnanimously, raising a hand to stop Zoe. "He can speak what's on his mind.. It's all right."

"No, it's not," Wash said, breaking into the conversation. "It's not all right."

"It...it is, isn't it?" Kaylee said, soft and hesitant. "But it don't feel right. Guess we can't keep you, but I don't..."

"It is all right, Kaylee," Book said gently. "This is for the best. You'll see."

Jayne looked down at this plate for a moment then pushed it away a little. "I suppose you was never intendin' on stayin' long."

"Wherever the Lord sends me is where I'll be." Two days ago, those words would have turned to ash in his mouth, but they felt right again. That thought alone made him smile.

He took a breath, as if about to reply, then closed his mouth. Jayne looked up after a moment. "I wish you the best, Shepherd. It was good having you aboard."

As if the dinner table wasn't shocked enough, Jayne left the table and headed for the room Elder Meir had appointed for him.

"Why don't you want to stay?" Wash asked in all seriousness. "I understand about wandering feet, believe me. But I thought you liked it here with us."

Book thought of Hodges, of the communicator stowed away in his bunk on the ship, of the vows he had taken at the Abbey. "I do. But sometimes a man has to move on, to see the rest of the 'verse." Book looked at Wash, at the hand he had twined with Zoe's. "I took holy vows at the Abbey. I promised to be a good man, to preach the word of God and the teach those that are willing to be taught. I promised to be a Shepherd, the best one that I could be." Book looked at everyone in turn. "I feel as if I've had my span of time here, doing the best I could. Now it's time for me to move on, to spread the word as best I can somewhere else."

"Haven is a good place," Zoe said gently.

Book smiled. "They're good people, strong people." He looked at them all again. "I can do good there. I can be of help."

He thought of who he used to be, who the Alliance still thought he was, and who he wanted to be now.

There was really only one choice to make.

"He's got to go," Kaylee said, voice warbling as she tried to hold back tears. "He's a Shepherd, and he ain't never really was our Shepherd. We was just borrowin' him a bit, is all. The entire 'verse can get mighty lonely without one."

Book closed Kaylee's hand in his. "You're a good soul."

Inara had been quiet throughout the entire exchange, watching everything with large eyes. Book had the feeling that there was a great yawning emptiness behind them that she was afraid to let loose. "We'll miss you," she said, voice as soft as ever.

"Not the first time she's ever said that, Shepherd, but I reckon with the slimness of your pocketbook, you can take it for truth," Mal drawled in a hard voice. "Kaylee, you gonna eat or cry?"

Everyone at the table glared at Mal, but he paid no attention, just continued eating calmly.

Book pressed his lips together, then forced himself to smile at Inara, who had risen, pale with fury. "It's been a good time traveling with you all," Book said, letting go of Kaylee's hand. "I cherish every moment. God bless."

And with that, the conversation was over. Inara left, and the rest of the crew finished their food in silence, then returned to the ship to help Book pack.

Moments seem to last forever sometimes, a single second stretching out into infinity before breaking apart and falling into the next second. It was like listening to the soft whimper of a crying child, the final mournful note on a bamboo flute, the decrescendo in an opera. Book was leaving, and the very air within Serenity fell upon everyone like a shroud, pressing in with its awful finality.

Book had said quiet goodbyes to everyone. He had looked River in the eye and wished her well. "You will learn how best to deal with your gifts in time, River," Book had said. "You are growing into a fine woman. I'm sorry I can't be there with you."

"I'm sorry we weren't enough, Preacher Man," River had replied before running back into the ship.

Simon had shaken his hand and smiled a sad smile. "It was good to talk to somebody who doesn't expect everything I say to mean something."

Book smiled and nodded. "You think too much, you know. You weigh every decision too greatly. Sometimes it's enough just to feel."

"I'll keep it in mind."

Kaylee had given him a small picture in a wooden frame. "It's so you have a piece of Serenity with you here on Haven."

"Thank you, Kaylee."

"You're a good man, Shepherd. Always was, I suspect."

Something within him roiled at her words, but he pushed it away as he always did and inclined his head slightly. "You are one of the joys here. Your cheerful smile and your warm heart. I hope for the best."

She hugged him tightly, surprising him. "I'll miss you. It'll be good here, I know. But I'll still miss you." She sniffled a little, then added, "We'll visit."

"I'll miss you, too, Kaylee. And I hope you do."

She hadn't looked back when she ran into Serenity.

Wash and Zoe had rather stoically wished him well. Book almost missed the wisecracks Wash would make, but he supposed that now was not the time. Jayne was even polite, shaking his hand like a gentleman and wishing him well. "You're a good shot and a good man, two things ain’t often seen together out here in the black. And, if you’re going to stop moving, Haven is the place to do it. You'll do good here. I'll miss having a spotter, though."

"I will, too." Book gave Jayne's hand a squeeze. "I'm sure you'll manage."

"I reckon so. I always done so far."

"The next time you write to your mother, tell her I said hello, and tell her I've moved here. That way it won't be a surprise when she gets a letter from here." Book smiled at Jayne's grateful smile, and watched the mercenary re-enter the ship.

Inara was quiet, with her gentle smile. "You'll be missed," she said, her voice as carefully modulated as ever.

"I wish you well," Book said, his own voice just as gentle.

She accepted it gracefully, nodding at him and then hugging him. She kissed both his cheeks, then moved back into the ship.

It only left Mal, whose jaw was set and feet were firmly planted on the gangplank. He was stoic, eyes clear and unmisted. "She's right, for once," Mal began. "You will be sorely missed by everyone."

"Even you?" Book asked.

"I suppose. You were a great help on board. You stopped being a passenger a long time ago, you know." Mal rubbed his hand over his mouth. "Or so I thought," he added in an undertone.

That was the problem, Book knew. He had stopped simply being a passenger on the ship, and had slowly started becoming part of the crew. It had been too easy to fit in with them, to ignore the violence that surrounded them, to accept the violence they participated in. He hadn't meant for that to happen, hadn't wanted it to happen. Father Leung had told him to find a place where he was needed, and it had taken Book months to realize that place wasn’t on Serenity. He wasn’t really needed there—but he had needed it.

"I know. It was time to leave."

"Yeah, I guess so." His handshake was firm, sure. It was just the thing Book needed to make him feel sure he was doing the right thing. "You take care of them, Shepherd. And keep an eye on Zach, will you? He's always getting in some sort of trouble or other, and I don't trust him, even on a place as good as this. He needs looking after."

Book grinned. "I'll definitely keep an eye on him."

Book walked down the gangplank and felt the firm earth beneath his feet. He began walking toward Haven, not looking back.

It was enough to hear Serenity close up and fly away. He didn't need to see it, too.

Wash was sitting in the pilot's chair when Zoe ducked into the bridge. "Hey, baby."

He turned around and smiled. "Hey."

"The stars look nice tonight," she said, her gaze sliding from his face to the view. "Where are we going now?"

"Some job Mal lined up," Wash replied. He held his arms out and Zoe tumbled into them. "You doing okay?"

"I'll be okay," she said. She settled into his lap and leaned into his embrace. He felt warm and comforting, just what she needed. "Will you be okay?"

"Yeah." Wash kissed her cheek and held onto her tightly. "We both will."

Kaylee was lying in her hammock, staring at Serenity's engine. It turned slowly, methodically, a practiced ease that had always calmed her nerves when she was upset. Some things never changed, some things always remained the same.

But other things were always changing, always moving, never sitting still.

Lying very still and trying not to cry, Kaylee watched the engine turn. She missed Book already.

In the half-light of the mess, Mal sat at the table. There was a bottle of sake in front of him and a cup by his right hand. It had been a full bottle not so long ago, something he and Book had picked up after a particularly good job in Persephone. Book had recommended the brand, as it was one Mal had never tried before. He hadn't yet had opportunity to taste it.

Book had good taste in sake for a holy man, which did nothing more than amuse Mal. It seemed almost fitting that there was no aftertaste to the sake, that it burned as it went down. It was a clear and smooth alcohol, and it settled warm and full in his belly.

Some things made a man all manner of broken up, and others just made them stronger.

Mal didn't know which this was.

Inara had lit some incense and prayed for the souls of Haven, for Zach and for Book. Mostly for Book, that good would come to him on Haven, and that he found the peace he had been seeking. She knew that not everyone could live on the move, that not everyone could deal with the uncertainty of living in the black.

Rising from her altar, Inara filled a bowl with cool water and perfume. She stripped to the waist and knelt beside the bowl. She dipped her sponge into the scented water and methodically began to bathe. It was a peaceful ritual, once that always calmed her nerves and reminded her of the beauty that could be seen in small things. Every life impacted on every other life, and every small motion always carried a much larger effect. A simple spoken word carried such weight, such clarity.

Book had felt the undercurrent within the crew, had felt the tension rising. He had known when to leave, when it was time to move on to something better.

Inara knew it was time to follow his example.

In the passenger dorm, River was crying in Simon's arms. She had been silent for hours after Book left, and had only begun to sob in earnest when the deck plates began to shift as they broke atmo. Simon hadn't wanted to give her a smoother, since she had done so well on her current medication regimen.

"Mei mei, what is it? What's wrong?"

"You can't fix it with needles."

He had the grace to flush. "I know that. But what can I do? Why are you so upset?"

"The leaves are gone, the pages ruffled. The wind has taken it all away."

Simon thought of Book, how calm River had been at the time. It obviously had affected her more than he had thought. While he was a little sad that he didn't have the Shepherd to talk to, he understood the reasons. Life on the run wasn't for everyone, and it took its toll after a while. He almost couldn't remember his apartment on Osiris, what his friends had looked like, the last movie he had seen or play he had attended. That life had seemed so far away sometimes, as if it belonged to someone else.

But when he looked at River's smiles, he couldn't regret a thing.

"Tell me how I can help. I want to help."

"No," River cried, lifting her head from the bed. She pushed Simon's hands away. The well-meaning concern washed over her, choked her. "No. It's all falling apart. Entropy is taking hold. This is just the beginning."

Discuss this episode

Title: Haven
Writers: Kari and Eustacia Vie
Executive Producers: Michelle Makariak (Michmak)
& Jen Hook (Mistress Shiny)
Producer: Michelle Makariak (Michmak)
art:
Special edits: Sophie Richards and Michelle Makariak
Dialog: Sophie Richard
Proofing: Sophie Richards and Michelle Makariak
Animations: Taerowyn