It was long past her bedtime before Kaylee finally fixed the grav boot, falling and knocking her forehead painfully on the engine as it finally kicked in.  The bump, and her relief, cost her a few tears that she wiped off her cheeks with grubby hands.  Rest of the crew was already abed—Simon had duct-taped River in—and there was no one around to share her joy, but also no captain around to make her feel bad about it, so maybe that was just as well.

Kaylee couldn't think of what to do, but she didn't feel like going to bed.  It seemed like fixing the grav boot had helped knock into place some essential part of what was wrong with her.  She went into the galley and fixed herself a cup of coffee, then snuck up to the cockpit, peeking around the edge of the door first to make sure Mal wasn't there.

The cockpit was empty of both captain and pilot.  The ship was set on autopilot and was still on route to Charon.  Kaylee sighed in relief and sank into the pilot chair.  For a few moments she simply drank in the quiet atmosphere and the beauty of the stars spread out before her.  Then, wiping at her eyes again, she reached up and flipped on the transmitter, to send a wave.

It took a few minutes for it to go through, but then there she was right in front of her:  Inara.  "Kaylee!  It's so good to see you!"

"Hey.  You ain't—ain't busy, are you?  I just...the grav boot broke.  And then I fixed it.  An' everyone's asleep," Kaylee said, in an illogical rush, tears flooding to her eyes again.

Inara's brilliant smile suddenly faded away as she took in Kaylee's tear-streaked cheeks, and the wavering tone of her voice.  "Of course I'm not busy, mei-mei. It's a delight to see you.  What's Mal done now?"

"It was my fault," Kaylee said slowly.  "He told me, 'bout the sound, but I didn't know what it was, an' then the heads got damaged, and we was all floatin' for the rest of the day, an' he..."  Kaylee looked down, feeling disloyal, even through the anger she still felt at the captain.

"It's not your fault that Mal is too cheap to keep the ship stocked with new parts, Kaylee.  Besides, you fixed it."  Her smile returned.  "You always fix whatever is wrong. There's no need for tears."

"I shoulda paid more attention, though.  He was just...I never seen him that mad, not with me.  Said he'd get a different mechanic, someone who'd do the job right.  And he weren't wrong...most times, I woulda caught this straight off, but I been missin' you so much," Kaylee confessed.

"Oh, Kaylee," Inara breathed. She was touched by Kaylee's words, but also unsettled.  That Kaylee missed her so much as to be making mistakes in her work wasn't good.  "Mal would never replace you. You must know that.  Even when he's being a jerk, he cares about you.  Everyone does."  Smiling brighter, she wistfully said, "That's what I miss about Serenity.  She really was home."

"Then how come you—"  Kaylee bit her lip.  She wasn't going to get an answer to that.  She'd been asking it since Inara had announced that she was going to leave, and it had never been answered.  "She misses you too," Kaylee mumbled, finally.

Inara's smile remained, and her tone was sweet and gentle.  "I'm sorry I missed the grav boot being broken.  It must have been quite the sight to see everyone floating about.  It sounds quite fun, really."

"Well, not so much for me," Kaylee said.  "But River liked it real well.  Simon almost got sick a coupla times, and Wash and Zoe..."  Kaylee leaned forward, detailing the days events, relaxing in the chance to share them with a friend, all her sorrow finally leaving her as somehow, things clicked into place in her mind as surely as they had in the engine.

By the time Inara finally had to sign off, Kaylee was in higher spirits.  She wasn't feeling entirely better, but she had stopped crying and certainly had improved some.  She sighed and rose from the pilot chair.  It was late and she was weary.

As she stepped out of the cockpit, she was surprised to see River waiting for her, sitting on the steps leading down to the crew quarters.  "River," she said.  "You been waiting here long?"

River looked up at her.  "No.  It took too long to get out of bed."  She still bore bits of the sticky gray tape on her nightgown.  "I'm sorry."

Kaylee's mouth twitched a bit at the comment, almost smiling, aware that Simon had actually taped River into bed; he'd borrowed the tape from her.  "You ain't got nothin' to be sorry for, River," she said, settling herself down on the stairwell beside her.

River shook her head.  "If Simon had had a normal sister, a girl, she could have been your friend and lightened your sorrow.  One who could knit better," she added absently, twisting her hands together just a little.

Surprised at the confession, Kaylee shook her head and immediately wrapped an arm around the slight girl.  "Don't be silly, River." She hugged her tightly.  "You're more than good enough to be my friend." She smiled at her, and the smile was genuine and warm.  "I just get silly sometimes.  Too sensitive."  She squeezed River again.  "You're not normal maybe, but you're still my friend.  My best friend even."

River leaned against Kaylee tentatively, head resting on her shoulder.  "Then I left you alone too long.  Shouldn't have to be sorry alone."  She closed her eyes, relaxing just fractionally.  "He loves us.  But he's sorry alone, most of the time."

Kaylee smiled tightly, nodding.  "Guess I knew that.  Can't be easy, him goin' home to what's left." She took a deep breath.  "All the more reason we got t'make sure he knows he ain't alone. Ain't none of us alone." 

River's eyes opened hazily to stare at nothing.  "He's starting to remember.  Won't be long now, I promise."

At breakfast the next day, Mal noticed that everyone seemed to be walking on eggshells around him.  The conversation was subdued and people left as soon as they were finished.  Mal watched everyone throughout the meal, noting how no one met his eye, save Wash, who was the only one trying to lighten the mood.

When breakfast was cleared away and everyone had left, Mal pulled himself to his feet and took a deep breath.  Things were bad, but they weren't as bad as they could have been.  They were still flying, and wasn't that enough?  He walked down the corridor and stopped inside the doorway to the engine room.  He stroked the door fondly, watching Kaylee for a moment, then cleared his throat to announce his presence.

Kaylee, turned, biting her lip a little.  "Shouldn't need much to make her good as new," she said, apologetically.  "Won't cost much, and..."  She drew a deep breath.  "And you can take it out of my cut."

"Ain't why I'm here, girl," he said simply.  Without looking at her, he continued.  "Haven't been myself much, these past few days.  Maybe been treating them on this crew unjust like." He shifted his gaze to look at her. There was regret in his eyes.  "Ain't never meant to make you cry."

At his words, brushing, albeit gently, on the wound that was still raw, Kaylee's eyes welled up again, and she stared down at the floor.  "You—weren't wrong.  Should've listened and heard where she was achin'.  It's just...hard, when folks leave, y'know?"  She lifted her gaze up to him timidly.

"Yeah, it's hard."  He looked away from her, rather shame faced.  "We all make mistakes sometimes; things we regret.  Don't make you wrong, just human."  He offered her a faint smile.  "All right?"

She nodded slowly, before flinging herself at him with the momentous enthusiasm of a puppy, wrapping her arms around him.  "Don't make me leave too," she whispered, almost inaudibly.

Mal chuckled deeply as he caught her and held her, stroking her hair softly.  "Ain't gonna make you leave, girl." He set her straight on her feet again and gave a wry grin.  "Would take too long to train your replacement, anyway."

"An' to find someone who could make her run with no repair budget," she said, teasing him slightly, but watching still to see how he took it.

That invoked a deep sigh in him.  "I'll get you some money, Kaylee.  Think we can spare a little, what with the Lassiter sale goin' as well as it did. You make a list." After a second, he added, "But be practical!"

"I am," she said, beaming.  "But the whole compression coil system needs an overhaul, and that takes parts!"  She placed a friendly kiss on his cheek before rummaging under her hammock for the list that River always said should have been kept on a scroll, for as long as it was.  Finding a pencil, she began humming and making stars next to the most important things.

Mentally Mal added up how much he figured that'd all cost, and wondered if he'd just signed away most of their savings.  "You work on that girl, I best get down to the cargo bay 'fore we land.  Ain't sure what else Jayne's got hid from me on this job."

Kaylee nodded, already lost in her dreams for her beloved ship.  "Xie xie ni."

Mal left the mechanic to her list, heading down the stairs instead.  He paused in front of the infirmary, then turned and knocked on River's door. It was open, and he could see the girl sitting inside on her bed, but for some reason he didn't want to barge in on her, like he had on . . . other people in the past.

River lifted her head, face not wholly friendly.  She didn't say anything, just gazed at him, waiting for him to speak.

"You're gonna want to put a sweater on, little one.  Spring's cold on Charon."  He leaned against the doorway casually, glancing about her quarters.  "Could probably use the like my own self," he absently added.

She looked down at her hands.  "Sometimes I'm frightened.  Or sorry," she said, plucking at her dress as though she could tease the words to compass her meaning out from it.  "It isn't all swans on the water."

"No, it ain't. But that's life.  You either learn to flow with it, or get pulled under and drown.  Ain't much of a swimming man myself, but it's not so bad when you got yourself a ship and a good crew."

She sighed.  "You don't listen."  Glancing up at him, she repeated, "Sometimes I'm frightened, or sorry."  She was struggling to express herself as she seldom did, to impress herself upon him.  It was an exercise generally reserved only for Simon.

Mal tilted his head.  "Ain't we all, on the occasion?" He could tell she wasn't pleased with the answer.  "Well, what're you afraid of then?"

"Nothing, right now," she said slowly.  "But sometimes I feel.  You speak..."  She rubbed her forehead fretfully.  "Not a horse, or a dog.  I hear the words."

Mal looked away from her, staring at the far wall of her room.  "I'm only human, girl.  We all make mistakes."

"I know," she whispered, then moved to lie flat on her stomach, draping herself over the edge of her bed to rummage around underneath it.  "It's enough," she said, in a muffled voice, "if you do too."

"I do," he softly said.  "Far too well."

She rose up, holding out the sweater in both hands.  "I washed it again.  It became a little smaller.  Wants to mold itself to you."

He took it, but for a while didn't say anything.  He just stared at the fabric, feeling it between his fingers. Then he simply said, "Thanks."

She nodded curtly, having already used up far more words than she usually did on him, and coiled herself back into her former position, serpentine and careful.

He wasn't quite sure what to say to her, then.  If she'd been Kaylee, he'd have given her a quick hug, but River was all angles, and not terribly huggable, as far as he could see.  "Hard to know how to talk to you, River Tam," he sighed.  "But you're right.  You ain't a horse, nor a dog, and you didn't deserve that.  If any of your fear and sorrow was on account of me..."

A slow smile crossed her face, brightening it immeasurably.  "Such airs he gives himself."  She rose and moved towards the door.  "It's time to go down."

The landing was smooth and simple with the air clear, crisp and traffic free. Wash set them down just outside of town, but by the time they lowered the cargo ramp, they already had a large group of eager townsfolk waiting to greet them.  Mal, having since donned River's sweater, kept his eyes downcast from the ghostly planet hanging in the sky overhead as he stepped down to approach the head farmer.

"Tom Johnson—head of the farm collective here," the man said, stepping forward with his hand outstretched.  "And I take it you're our salvation," he added with a little grin.

Some of Mal's gruffness wore off as he took in the delighted faces of the crowd.  There were relieved expressions, excited ones, and anxious ones. There was one woman who was openly crying out of happiness.  "Mal Reynolds," he replied.  "And I don't know 'bout no salvation," he said amiably as he shook the farmer's hand, "but I got me a boat load of seed wanting to be in the ground mighty bad."

Turning, he gestured to Jayne and Zoe.  "This is my crew.  Jayne, Zoe," he nodded to them.  "The rest'll come down in a bit.  These two'll help you unload.  Might work a bit faster if your folk'll give us a hand?"

Jayne grinned, then stepped up beside Mal. "Ain't we gonna get paid, first?"

Mal didn't look at Jayne, just smiled at the crowd.  "We will, Jayne. We will."

"Sure will," Johnson said, digging in his pocket for the fairly sizeable bag of platinum.  "We've had this here money saved up a long time.  Ain't many ships willing to stop here, even if it's on the way.  Can't say I don't understand, but it makes things hard sometimes."

Mal nodded and took the funds, watching as the cargo was unloaded.  "It's good," he said finally, with a little smile.  "We're glad to help."

"Hey, maybe your people'n you'd like to come to the planting festival?  Girls've been decorating the maypole for days now, and there'll be food—real food, as best we got," Johnson said, slapping Mal on the shoulder.

Mal nodded.  "I reckon my crew'll be glad to hear it.  Terrible lazy bunch I got round here, and greedy," he added grinning, making sure Jayne and Zoe could hear him.  He got no response from Zoe, and only a sort of nondescript leer from Jayne.

As soon as Mal told the rest of the crew about the planting festival, Kaylee, River and Wash nearly trampled him on their way out.  He stood beside Zoe as he watched them enjoying the cool crisp air and pleasantries.  They had homemade wine, and he made a mental note to buy a jug before they left to replace what he'd destroyed in his fit of pique.

"Glad we came," he admitted.

Zoe nodded, smiling a little as she watched River drag Kaylee towards the maypole, intent on joining the dance.  "Nice place—deserves a chance for somethin' better."  She gave Mal a sideways glance.  "Glad you're feelin' better, sir."

Mal took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he did; the place smelt like Shadow.  "Just needed some fresh air, I reckon."  He opened his eyes, watching to see River skipping around the maypole with Kaylee while Simon watched from a distance, pleased.  Jayne was chatting up some local women, and Mal thought perhaps things were going to go all right.   

"Kind of like coming home," Wash lazily said as he sauntered up, slipping his arm through Zoe's.  "Real nice place."

Johnson came up, his face wreathed in smiles.  "Captain Reynolds, we'd all be real honored if you'd say a few words.  All you done—well, we take it real kindly."

Mal was going to stammer some kind of denial, but the smiles on the faces of all assembled dissuaded him.  This was no time to be retiring or withdrawn.  It was time to be done with that, instead.  He moved towards the center of the clearing and stepped up onto the old oak stump that served as a stand, feeling only a little silly.

He took in all the faces for a while; both unfamiliar mixed with familiar.  His crew joined the townsfolk quickly.  He could see Zoe and Wash out of the corner of his eye, standing there like twin rocks.  Kaylee and River watched him with eyes that showed nothing but affection, while Simon sauntered up, still holding on to a bowl of some kind of root salad—it was always hard to get that man to let go of fresh food. Jayne even turned out, with a bright-eyed girl on his arm.  After taking a deep breath, Mal cast his eyes to the sky, fixing them on the hazy husk of a planet that still loomed overhead, like a constant reminder of what they'd all lost.

"I was in this last war," he said slowly.  "And I seen as well as anyone what the Alliance is capable of.  They dealt death to my home and my people, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.  Place like this, though...they can bomb you, and leave you out here on the edge of nowhere to starve, but they can't destroy it.  Not so long as folk have the will to look forward and see their future, to rebuild stronger than before, with family and friends at their side.  Home ain't never lost, not so long as there's hope and courage, and love to make people work together."

Mal's words hung in the quiet, thin air for some time, as he stood under the shadow of a dead world, surrounded by the future.

Discuss this episode

Title: Shadow
Writers: Sophie Richard & Van Donovan
Episode Producer: Michelle Makariak and Jen Hook
Art and Animation: Loketari
Proofreader & Researcher: Michelle Makariak (Michmak)
Opening & Closing Tiles by: Taerowyn
Web Production: Kendall Jung